


Ugh, it's That Time of Year

by awkwardrainbow



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And bickering, Angst, Christmas, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Happy Ending, Lots of Christmas Shenanigans, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-01-26 09:40:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 58,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21372049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardrainbow/pseuds/awkwardrainbow
Summary: There is no one Clarke gets along with less than Lexa Woods. Normally when it comes to rivals you are not forced to spend every holiday with them, let alone a room with one singular bed. But Lexa Woods and her siblings spend every holiday with Clarke and her family and what's Christmas without a persistent rivalry and constant competition? At least, this holiday seems to be shaping up the same as every year until the Blake's arrive changing Lexa's normal un-bothered attitude to something different and new that Clarke isn't used too.Will they spend the holiday at each others throats as usual, or will new guests force out new confessions that change the way Clarke and Lexa communicate forever?
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 279
Kudos: 2033





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I've been dead in the world of writing for awhile. Unable to really do anything, school has swallowed up my time and my creativity same as my bad mental health. I have unfinished work littered all over that I should come back to, I know I will, but... It's that time of year and I've been holding onto this idea for 2 years. So, merry Christmas.
> 
> Please enjoy.

The loud blare of the alarm clock was greatly unwelcome when the morning was this cold and Clarke’s heating was broken. If she had more of a choice, she’d never get up this early. It’s absolutely absurd that she even has too. But if getting home early is the only way she can avoid another disaster of room sharing with the absolute worst person she knows than it has to be done. A few hours of sleep can be sacrificed, it’s for the greater good, after all.

She rolls over in bed and slams her hand against the off button, staring at the time with tired eyes. She was mistaken, she shouldn’t have booked such an early flight. She’s almost 100% positive that she’ll completely freeze over the moment she throws this blanket from her body and attempts to stand. They can fly her home without her leaving her bed, right?

She knows she procrastinates it too long, way too long. She knows flights don’t have the same leniency her gallery does. She knows if she misses it, she’ll be stuck here for Christmas all alone, and despite the devil always sharing her family home, she quite misses her family and loves this holiday too much to be alone. It gives her enough motivation to finally take the dive and leave the warm safety of her blanket cocoon.

It’s as bad as she was anticipating and she spends half the morning with chattering teeth, only relaxing a bit when she can sip some coffee as she wanders all over the apartment. At least she didn’t procrastinate packing, god knows she capable of that.

It still takes her longer than expected to finally leave her apartment and make a mad dash for the airport. Traffic is even obnoxious and only serves to make her later than she’d like to be. She’s about to lose her mind in the security line with every glance she cast down to her watch, but she eventually makes it through and to her gate just as they’re having a last call.

When the plane does finally land, with a slight delay of course, she’s more than ready to see her family. It’s been a long few months since the last time she did and if there’s anything Clarke hates more than the heat in her apartment being broke, it’s being away from them. Her father is there to pick her up, which is nice because her mother had told her she was going to have to find her own way home, but she should have known. Her dad would never leaver her here alone, not if he could help it.

When she sees him it’s as cliché as the movies, she drops her bags and runs for him and he chuckles as she comes and holds his arms open for her. She thinks the benefits to being an only child growing up was that she will always be her father’s favorite… well… mostly anyway but she’ll hold off thoughts of _her_ as long as she can.

“It’s good to see you, kiddo.” He hugs her so tight it cuts off air circulation and lifts her off the ground.

She hugs him just as tight. “I thought mom said I’d have to find my own way home.” She grins happily up at her father as they begin to collectively grab Clarke’s bags.

“Like I’d leave my own daughter to suffer the dangers of an airport?” He says with amusement and Clarke is just so happy to see him that she beams up at him like she’s six years old and he’s telling one of his stories about the stars again.

“Who’s all here?” She asks, still grinning and as casually as possible.

But her father knows her well, better than almost anyone. “She’s not if that’s what you’re asking. I swear, the two of you are gonna send me to an early grave.”

Clarke snorts, “Well if I’m here first, that means I get the room and she can have the couch.”

“You know that’s not going to happen Clarke, you’ll share, like you always do.” His tone is as gentle as it always is, even as he shakes his head disapprovingly, though his amusement remains put.

“It’s been our entire lives; can’t you guys give up by now?”

“Give up on my two favorite girls actually getting along for once? Never.”

“Our mutual disgust for one another is only reinforced every single year by this sharing a room nonsense. Perhaps we would get along so much better with proper separation, and time together in small doses.” _Or no time together at all._

“You’re funny Clarke, twenty-six and you still think you can change things. You’ve always been quite the dreamer.” Her father is an insufferable tease that has her rolling her eyes as they pause as his car, but she missed him more than she can put into words, so she’ll save any sassy remarks for the girl they actually belong too.

“Anya and Aden too?”

“Of course, it’s the same people. Oh, except the Blake’s are joining us this year, apparently something happened with their holiday cabin. I’m sure Marcus will blabber on about it at dinner.”

“Blabber on? Am I detecting dislike of a fellow holiday party member?” Clarke asks sarcastically and that has her father rolling his eyes as he starts up the car, which Clarke is relieved for because the heater is turned on immediately and she’s freezing her ass off.

“Lexa is a wonderful, sweet, talented, and extremely smart human being. Marcus is… the epitome of a bugger.”

“Dad!” Clarke exclaims with laughter. “I’m guessing mom invited them.”

“Of course, she did, you know how sympathetic she gets around the holidays. They just lost their mother and all.”

“Dad, it’s been six years since they lost her.”

“A loss is a loss, the Woods’ lost their parents even longer ago, you expect us to stop inviting them?”

“Maybe one of them.” Clarke grumbles slightly.

“Lexa is my favorite of them, I’d sooner give up Christmas itself.”

“Blah blah, I’m supposed to be your favorite here.”

“Competition is fierce out there.” Jake teases, grinning at his daughter as they drive steadily down the road.

As annoying as the man is, he’s lucky she loves him so much.

***

Clarke’s childhood room held all the angst and nostalgia of her teenage years. She comes home every year, but she has yet to take down any of the old boyband posters and high school dance picture hung up all over the place. The color of the room doesn’t even bare resemblance to who she is now. It’s just a green room, that she spent all of her adolescents sleeping in. If she had been able to have her way when she was young, this room would be a splash of far more color than just green.

Green irritates her.

She’d probably be pondering it longer if her cell phone didn’t distract her from her thoughts, it began to blare, and she knew who it was going to be before she even bothered looking at it.

She answers it without a hello, “I can’t wait for you to get here Raven, when we team, we always beat her.” She says in almost a hurry, as if this is some kind of race to an imaginary Christmas light finish line.

Raven begins to cackle the moment Clarke’s voice greets her on the other end. Her friend was as much help against the battle of Lexa as the rest of her useless family. She doesn’t know what it is about that woman that everyone else finds so endearing. She’s so irritating. “You know I like Lexa as much as I like you, you have to share me.” She’s clearly greatly amused, her tone holding all the light in the world in it.

She never understands the urgency of the matter. “I refuse to do that.” Clarke speaks into the phone, peaking down the hallway, down the stairs and at the front door. It’s shut still, but she’s watching, waiting on her arch nemesis to finally enter the room. It’s another year she’s stuck sharing a room with her and this time there is one bed and Clarke would be damned if she let Lexa have the bed.

At least last time her parents had the common decency to have her childhood single bed and an air mattress, in fact it was like that every year they spent Christmas at home… but for some reason over the last few months they added a double to Clarke’s small childhood bedroom and even insisted that it would be a better bonding experience.

Using the whole “we’re gay you know” of course wasn’t going to work because the idea of Lexa and Clarke doing anything gay together sent her mother into such a pit of laughter she actually fell on the floor.

Clarke would sooner burn to death anyways than ever be gay with Lexa Woods.

So, she’s camped out. Instead of being in the kitchen and baking chocolate chip cookies with her mother and the Blakes, she’s camped out in her room so that she can claim the bed when Lexa gets here, because at least she respects boundaries, even if she doesn’t respect anything else.

Lexa can have the stupid floor; she deserves it for being late. “She’s much nicer than you.”

“You take that back right now Reyes!” Clarke snaps into the phone, her eyes widening a bit as the door pushes open, and the breeze of winter and the harsh snow of the storm swirls into the front room.

“I don’t lie Clarke and if I took it back that would be lying.” Everyone says Lexa is nicer than her, but she’s definitely not. It’s all an act anyway. Lexa is just as obnoxious as she can be, irritating and she never just leaves Clarke alone. She’s always got something to say even though Clarke never asks.

“Can you believe they’re making us share a room where there’s one bed. It’s a plot Raven, they don’t accept that she’s mean and are forcing me to bond with her. One bed. They wouldn’t do that if she was a boy.”

“Ah, yes, but we live in a hetero-normative world, despite her being gay and out about it and you being bisexual. I guess they just assume you both hate each other so much that you’d never do anything inappropriate together… or maybe it’s the opposite since I heard the Blake’s are staying this year and that’s why there are less rooms.”

Clarke contemplates the influx of new roommates for the holidays and a slight idea sparks in her head. “Maybe I’ll share with Bellamy instead.” Raven snorts into the phone.

“You think Octavia will allow that after last spring break?” Raven’s cackling is greatly unappreciated.

She’s not here to see it but Clarke can feel her face grow hot from the implication, nonetheless. “What did she say happened because nothing happened!”

“I’m sure nothing happened, however, sexy times with your best friend’s brother is not allowed.” Raven tuts.

“That never happened!” Clarke whisper shouts into the phone as Aden steps into the front hallway, shivering with his sister Anya not long behind him. “They’re here.” Clarke says darkly and she winces as Raven cackles into her ear.

“I seriously love Christmas.”

“Shut up.” Clarke hangs up on her and pushes her phone into her back pocket as her parents greet Aden and Anya at the door. The boy is running into the kitchen after Jake mumbles something about chocolate chip cookies and Anya smirks as she watches him go.

“Lexa’s a bit late, she’s still on the road.” Anya says as she awkwardly leans into Jake’s offered hug, smiling brightly at him before disappearing behind him toward the kitchen, no doubt to find Abby so she as well can thief a cookie. Though if you even mention that Anya likes sweet things, she’ll probably rip your arm off. Clarke watches her father watch after them before following them into the room and Clarke feels a heavy sigh of relief leave her chest because Lexa is really, really late.

Maybe her flight got cancelled because of the snow. That would be a true Christmas Miracle.

Anya appears back in the foyer as if she’s looking for someone. “Anya,” Clarke gushes as she rushes down the stairs to greet her.

“Blondie, why are you upstairs?” Anya chuckles as she hugs Clarke briefly and watches as the blonde looks at the door.

“I’m claiming the bed before Lexa can.”

“Ah the old share a room get along switch, I thought Jake and Abby would have realized what a lost cause that is by now.” Anya says with great amusement.

“When is she getting here?”

“Not until midnight, so I’m sure the bed is all yours Princess.”

“Don’t call me that.” Clarke wrinkles her nose and Anya just chuckles, patting the blonde’s cheek and parting off to make her way to the kitchen where the cookie making is currently happening.

Clarke sighs, looking out at the night to watch the snow fall in flurries and she wonders why Lexa is so late when she’s usually so prompt. Lexa prides herself on punctuality, it’s one of her many irritating and absolutely annoying qualities that Clarke can’t stand about her.

So what’s holding her up?

***

**Clarke (**_7:32 P.M._**):** where are you?

Why she’s texting she’ll never know but the later it gets and the stronger the storm is the more confused it has Clarke. It’s unlike her to be this late. She tries to remember what time Anya had specified when she had met her in the entrance hallway earlier, but Midnight seems too late, far too late.

**Lexa (**_7:32 P.M_.**):** worried about me? ;)

Clarke grumbles and whatever slight bit of apprehension she had been feeling previously immediately vanishes. Of course, she’s fine, she’s too irritating to get hurt. Death would come for her and she’d annoy it until it crumbles from existence.

**Clarke (**_7:33 P.M._**):** you wish, looks like you’ll be sleeping on the floor.

“Clarke, honey, no phones.” Abby mutters, her voice shrilling up slightly in that way it does when she’s about to nag her. It’s not a holiday without that.

“It’s just Lexa.” She rolls her eyes.

“Oh I’m glad to see you two getting along.” Abby’s smile isn’t genuine but that grim one she often gives Clarke. It’s fake and disapproving but Clarke is usually the only one that can ever see it. As if her and Lexa’s feud is only her fault.

“We’re definitely not. You can keep dreaming on that one.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Bellamy chuckles from his place across the table from Clarke. “You and Woods still on the worst of terms?” Octavia snorts.

“Right, worst terms, that’s what it is.” The way Octavia says it has Clarke eyeing her suspiciously, like she knows some secret the rest of the group at the table doesn’t.

“What do you mean?” Bellamy looks to his sister curiously.

“Clarke can you please try to be nicer to her this year. You know she’s been through a lot recently.” Clarke hates that voice Abby gets, that scolding, naggy whiny tone it makes. It doesn’t matter what Clarke ever does, it’s the only tone she gets from her mother. Lexa is definitely her favorite.

“I am always nice, she’s just irritating.” Clarke mumbles as she pushes around potatoes on her plate, phone sitting on her knee as she glances down at it. Why she has any concern for Lexa’s safety she can’t be sure, she’d definitely deny it if someone asked.

“She answered you?” Anya asks from a few seats down and Clarke looks over at her, a slight knit to her brow.

“Yeah, to be irritating.”

“Hmm.” Anya mumbles thoughtfully before chewing on her food.

Clarke was about to ask Anya what she means by that, but Aden is piping up from his seat where had been mostly quiet the entire time. “Abby, I was wondering if you could teach me how to make those cookies? I want to make some for Lexa myself.” Aden asks from beside Clarke.

“Yeah, of course, we can work on that tomorrow is that alright?” Abby’s smile always looks empty, even when they’re directed at the Woods. Just like a shadow, as if something is missing, a dying battery really. It often made Clarke feel cold around her growing up.

Clarke rolls her eyes, but Aden is the sweetest of them.

“I hope she’s safe, is she safe Clarke it’s coming down really hard out there?” Jake ask from his end of the table and Clarke offers up another eye roll.

**Clarke (**_7:39 P.M_.**):** My dad is concerned that you aren’t safe.

**Lexa (**_7:40 P.M._**): **assure him I’m perfectly safe. I’ll be there by midnight as Anya should have said.

**Clarke (**_7:40 P.M._**):** That’s really late, what are you doing?

**Lexa (**_7:41 P.M._**):** Only Jake is concerned huh?

Clarke decides not to dignify that with a response and powers off her phone, shoving it in her pocket. “She’s perfectly fine and says she’ll be in by midnight.”

“I’ll leave the door unlocked for her than. I know she has a key but just in case she’s lost it.” Of course, Jake is extremely excited to see Lexa, they bonded long before Lexa’s parents died and solidified them into becoming constant holiday companions to the Griffin’s. Lexa is everything Jake was missing in not having more than one child. Hell, he’s technically got four now.

It makes Clarke jealous more than she cares to admit. Lexa is everything she isn’t. Tall, extremely smart, athletic, and her interests scatter all over the place from the most boring stuff imaginable like her father’s work to philosophy and even Clarke’s art. She’s everyone’s ideal person, ideal daughter, ideal sister, ideal friend… but all she does is annoy the shit out of Clarke because as perfect as she is, she’s also obnoxious, too fucking quiet, argumentative and extremely competitive.

Lexa communicates with actions and big words stringed into one sentence to purposely confuse Clarke like she’s able to intricately plan out each and every interaction and everything Clarke is going to respond with. She is the most irritating person on the planet and Clarke is so annoyed that she’s going to have to share a bed with her. She’s shared a bed with her before. She’s overly warm and kind of a hog, she gets up at the butt crack of dawn and isn’t even quiet so she can purposely wake Clarke up.

She’s an absolute asshole.

***

It’s mid-way through dinner that the doorbell goes off and Jake is shooting up bright-eyed from his seat. Clarke can’t help but admire him because she knows how much he enjoys this holiday; how much he cares about everyone that comes to stay with them. He loves making people happy and one of those people that can use a bit of cheering up every year is Raven.

“I see you’ve brought a stray?” She can hear her father boom from the entrance.

And Raven’s answering tone, “Yes, this is my friend Luna, we work together. She didn’t have anywhere to go this year so I thought it would be alright.” _Luna?_ That’s weird she didn’t realize Raven liked her enough to bring her to Christmas. In fact, Raven was usually annoyed by her.

“Of course, of course, the more the merrier. Though we are lacking on space. You’re both going to have to bunk with someone.”

“She can stay with me!” Clarke pipes up as they come trudging into the dining room. The more people the easier it will be to be separate from Lexa.

“Nonsense Clarke, there’s only one bed in your room and you’re already sharing with Lexa.” Abby immediately scolds making Clarke slump back down in her chair and glare at her food again. She can never win.

“Ah Griff, always the child.” Raven chuckles and Clarke can’t stay glum for too long because she loves her best friend and she looks so happy to be here already, Aden is scooting over and Clarke does too so that both Raven and Luna can fit on the same side of the table as her and once Raven is sitting she flings her arms around Clarke to greet her with a warm hug.

As annoying as the incoming doom of sharing a bed with Lexa is, at least she gets to be with her family. “So Raven, you have a friend?” Anya questions lightly, eyes meeting Luna whom Raven had introduced to her father but has yet to explain to the rest of the table.

“Yes, I do Anya.” She says almost to loudly. “Everyone, this is Luna, Luna this is… everyone.” A unison of hi’s and hello’s follow and Luna awkwardly waves at everyone in the room. “As I said before, we work together.”

“Must be nice.” Anya mumbles and though her face remains emotionless, Clarke knows her well enough to know that she looks slightly put off by this information. She’s had a crush on Raven before, but she wasn’t expecting an actual reaction like this to ever come from her. Anya can’t have liked her that much; she never did anything about it. So, what’s wrong with her now?

“Please take as much food as you like.” Abby offers in that cold friendly tone she always has.

Raven nods and starts helping Luna with dishing out her own plate. The table is oddly silent as everyone kind of watches them silently communicate with each other. There’s a level of comfort and intimacy that Clarke hadn’t been expecting to see because the last time Raven had spoken of Luna was to complain about something she did wrong in the lab. Now they look like they’ve been sharing more space together than just a lab. “Where’s Lexa?” Raven chimes curiously and purposely looks at Clarke purposefully.

She finds herself yet again, rolling her eyes. “Late.”

“She won’t be in until midnight.” Anya mutters from her plate of food, though she doesn’t look at Raven this time.

Raven shrugs and the conversation is carried away from them as Marcus starts debating something football related with Jake and Bellamy.

***

“I know how much you hate when people say this to you… but please, go easy on Lexa.” Anya mumbles as she washes dishes with Clarke in the kitchen.

The request makes a groan force its way up through her throat. “I’m pretty sure the last thing Lexa wants is special treatment from me.” Clarke sighs, thoughts of what Lexa must be doing shuffling through her head again and she wonders if Lexa is miserable this holiday, if she’s let life’s rotten luck on her behalf get to her this year. That doesn’t really sound like her, but Clarke can’t help but think it.

“Lexa doesn’t know what she wants. I haven’t seen her in months, and she hardly answers my texts or calls. She’s a lot more fragile than she’s going to let on Clarke. I just… I know you two do this, it’s just how you communicate, but I really think this time, she could benefit from a softer hand.” Anya’s genuine tone of worry makes Clarke flinch slightly. She doesn’t completely know how to be softer with Lexa. If she were to try, Lexa would surely make it impossible for her to continue. It’s just not how they do things.

“So, you’ve not really spoken with her since Costia passed?” Clarke dried her hands and pulled herself up onto the counter, watching Anya as she finished her last dish.

“No, they were on the verge of getting back together when it happened you know. At least, they’re were doing a lot of plotting together so that’s what I assumed.” They had been on and off for awhile from what Clarke could remember so she can believe Anya there. Though their relationship had always been kind of unsettling to Clarke, though she’s sure that it’s just because Lexa is infuriating.

“It’s going to feel weird, without her stopping by on Christmas Eve.” She can admit, picturing it now is still almost impossible even though she knows it’s going to happen.

“Yeah, it’s going to feel a lot more than weird for Lexa, just promise me Clarke, if not for Lexa for me and for Aden. He’s so worried about her.” Anya seems more stressed than normal. So much so that the expression on her face even shows it and Anya hardly lets any emotions show on her face.

Clarke sighs as the sympathy she’s forcing down whenever it comes to Lexa comes piling up in her chest. “Fine, but only if she’s nice to me. She antagonizes me you know.”

The comment seems to only make Anya smirk. “I’m well aware, gives her a good laugh.”

“She’s so irritating, and my dad loves her way too much.”

“Is that, jealousy?” Anya says with an amused smirk and Clarke groans and pulls herself off the counter.

“Of the most obnoxious person on the planet? Please.”

***

Clarke was sleeping soundly, that’s what Lexa noticed as she made her way quietly into the room, soundly asleep on the right side of the bed. Not in the middle like she had been expecting. Lexa has always been a left side of the bed person, Clarke knows that, but she is sure that if she climbs into the bed, Clarke would have a fit, no matter how many times they’ve had to share a bed in the past.

She shrugs out of her coat and watches as Clarke stirs slightly in her sleep, eyelids fluttering as a dream passes over her. She’s adorable when she sleeps. Lexa smirks as she pulls her shoes off and searches in the dark through her bag for a change of clothes. She tip-toes quietly into the bathroom, changes, and tip toes back out, quietly over to the left side of the bed.

Clarke stirs again, mumbles something incomprehensible and Lexa only smiles, climbing under the covers and forming a pillow wall between them, mostly for Clarke’s comfort. She turns over on her other side and stares at the wall for a minute, listening to Clarke’s breathing.

_One, two, three_ “Lexa what are you doing in the bed?” Clarke voice comes groggy and rough. She had probably only been sleeping a short amount of time but nonetheless she’s most likely exhausted.

Lexa’s exhausted too and there’s no way she’s sleeping on the floor. Clarke can’t expect her to sleep on the floor. “It’s our bed, I’m not sleeping on the floor.” She has the decency to whisper because Clarke is hardly awake anyways, but she does have a feeling that the blonde had been waiting for her as long as she possibly could.

“I claimed the bed.” She would say that’s the only reason. But Lexa knows her well enough by now.

“You claimed the right side of the bed.” She informs as she snuggles down under the comforter, the night had been cold and long and she had spent far too much of it outdoors already, turning into a human popsicle.

Clarke had already done something to warm the bed. “Lexa,”

“Clarke.” It’s silent for a moment before she hears the blonde huff exaggeratedly and shuffle around in the bed.

“Whatever, stupid green-eyed idiot.” Lexa’s smirk widens as Clarke slowly slips back off to sleep.

She lets out a heavy sigh and allows herself to relax more. Months have gone by with her unable to sleep but somehow, being home, at the Griffin’s with Clarke’s heavy breathing beside her sets something in her chest at ease for just a moment. She’s asleep faster than she’d care to admit.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Saturday!
> 
> Check out the social media au that accompanies this fic made by [@elizaatrash](https://twitter.com/elizaatrash)  
You kind find it [here](https://twitter.com/elizaatrash/status/1193980432464912384)  
and [here.](https://jazzyjazzin.tumblr.com/tagged/Clexa-AU)
> 
> Enjoy the chapter. :)

There’s something that inevitably happens every single time Clarke and Lexa share a bed. Something Clarke nearly rips her head off for every time despite Lexa often being the one that’s trapped. This morning is no different, she knows it isn’t because Lexa is a heater and Clarke clings to her in the winter. Her room always gets oddly cold.

She can feel the blonde’s soft breath of air puffing against the back of her neck. She can feel where their legs are tangled, can feel where Clarke’s arms cling to her for her warmth. It’s comforting really, it always almost has Lexa falling back to sleep, but the few times she has let herself scum to the comfort of Clarke Griffin in the past she’s been rudely awaken not long later to that same Griffin yelling at her to stay on her side of the bed, as if it were Lexa being the clingy one.

She lets it slide normally, she’s not often in the mood to argue about that. The less Lexa brings it up the more likely it is to happen, and she likes that possibility. Just another thing she probably shouldn’t think but has no control over, another thing Costia would be mad at her for if she were still here.

This morning however, is not one where she’ll scum to the comfort of Clarke’s sleepy hold. No, this morning she’ll climb out of it, into the cold air and go for her run that she’s been doing. Her therapist had recommended she start doing it again and it was a good idea, it often sets her mood off right, at least, as right as it can be.

So she slipped out of comfort into the chill of the morning, the sun had barely risen, barely peeking enough through the one window in the room to brush across the features of Clarke’s face while she sleeps. It’s not fair that she looks like that while she sleeps. Lexa always looks dead. Clarke looks like sleeping beauty.

She doesn’t run long because of how cold it is and she’s still exhausted from her long travels from the day before. She has such low energy and running doesn’t particularly set her right today. When she gets back Jake is already up, coffee in hand and a warm smile on his face as she pops back through the front door.

“I see you got here safe.” He beams and Lexa feels a bit warmer. Something about Jake was always warm. Clarke had the same effect on people and Lexa was sure she got it from her father. Abby could be a lot more distant, she didn’t much like Lexa despite what anyone else thought. She’ll never get the memory of the last conversation she had, had with her before moving away out of her head.

It had not been a nice one. “I did, is everyone else up?”

“Abby’s cooking breakfast with Octavia, Anya took Aden outside to build a snowman in the back, Bellamy and Marcus are discussing something with Raven, I forget about what, I was about to join them, would you like to?” Lexa contemplates it for a second, looking to her left to view the entrance to the living room. From here she can see part of the tree, ornament-less and just waiting for the family touch.

_It really is good to be home._

“Clarke?” She asks after a moment, looking to Jake. He doesn’t even need to answer, she knows Clarke is still sleeping. Clarke is not and has never been a morning person, so for her to be up at 7:30 was greatly unrealistic.

“Do you have to ask? You know she’s sleeping.” He chuckles with amusement and absolute admiration because there’s no one Jake loves more than his daughter.

Lexa admires that. “I’ll get her up.” Lexa winks and Jake laughs more as she bounces her way upstairs. Anya would scold her for intentionally antagonizing Clarke, but she can’t help herself. Besides, she could use that little bit of normalcy. If there’s anyone in the world that won’t treat her differently right now, it’s definitely Clarke.

She intentionally slams the door open and sure enough Clarke is fast asleep on the bed, wrapped around the pillow Lexa had been sleeping on. She can’t help but chuckle silently to herself as she pulls the comforter from Clarke who promptly groans in sheer annoyance. “Everyone else is up Griffin, stop being lazy.” She intentionally raises her voice so that Clarke will cover her ears as she hides under the pillow she was sleeping on.

There’s another groan that forms words; “have I mentioned before how much I hate you?” She asks, muffled behind the pillow she’s hiding behind. Lexa can’t help her grin. There’s nothing more fun than teasing Clarke. This is also one of her favorite holiday traditions.

“you mean _love_, admire, adore.” Lexa tosses the comforter on the chair across the room. “Your mom is making pancakes.” Lexa isn’t the biggest fan of pancakes, and Abby has a tendency to make the blueberry ones (the only ones she’ll eat) a little flavorless, but maybe she’ll get lucky today and Abby won’t spite her pancakes. She’s feeling more optimistic.

“I don’t want pancakes.” Clarke lifts her head from the pillow squinting in Lexa’s direction as the light from the window pours in and blinds her tired eyes.

“Can’t have a family breakfast with a missing member.” Lexa claps her hands and Clarke groans again as she presses her palms to her ears. “Up, up!” She calls loudly as she grabs some clothes from her suitcase along with other shower necessities and slips into the bathroom.

She can’t help but chuckle silently to herself as she hears Clarke rumble and grumble around in the room. She’s in the shower, washing off her run and trying not to think of Costia when Clarke opens the door to the bathroom. She has done this to Lexa before but for some reason it still always surprises her.

They are not, on any base of the label, actual siblings. Lexa would consider Clarke family, but bathroom sharing when she’s in the shower makes her nervous… Clarke never seems to mind though. She does this all the time and Lexa’s still not used to it.

However, Lexa never does inform Clarke that this makes her nervous because she’d look weak and she’s not about to do that. “You couldn’t wait your turn?” Lexa calls from behind the shower curtain.

“You’re taking like ten thousand years.” Clarke argues and would probably be glaring at her if they could see each other. Instead she hears the buzz of Clarke’s toothbrush over the pounding water.

“You’re impatient for someone who was sleeping for ten thousand years.” Lexa plays with the water, not moving much as she listens to Clarke move around the bathroom.

“We can’t all be sleepless monsters Lexa.” Clarke grumbles around a mouthful of toothpaste until Lexa eventually hears her spit it out. “You’re so annoying.”

Lexa smirks, still playing with the water as she waits for Clarke to leave so that she can brood some more and enjoy the warmth. “Believe the correct word is charming.” She can’t help herself really.

“In your dreams Woods.” Clarke flushes the toilet despite not having to go and Lexa screams.

“Bitch!”

“See you for breakfast!” She calls back cheerily as Lexa moans with annoyance and leaves the shower she had planned on enjoying longer.

***

Something that makes the first morning of the holiday season in the Griffin household is arguing with Clarke as they walk to breakfast. She loves arguing with Clarke. She passionate and easy to rile up and Lexa has always liked that about her. “You take forever to do your hair.” Clarke replies with frustration.

“It’s naturally curly, it requires extra time!” She’s not wrong about that, she’s worried about it frizzing later as she didn’t have enough time for her normal routine and all the traveling and snow falling in it the day before is still affecting it.

“Do you guys ever give it a rest?” Bellamy greets them at the end of the stairwell, his smile wide and annoying and has Lexa glaring in his general direction for a good thirty seconds.

She’s not the biggest fan of Bellamy if she’s honest. The way he looks at Clarke may or may not be one of the reasons she doesn’t like him, but she’d never admit that out loud. She hardly admits it to herself. But Costia would know… she always knew. “Morning Bell,” Clarke greets him with her genuinely warm smile and Lexa can’t help the way she rolls her eyes.

If Costia was here she’d be elbowing Lexa’s side and insisting how there’s something there. Lexa prefers not to think about it, it’s really none of her business anyway… she misses Costia the longer she stands here and Clarke and Bellamy stare at each other and make boring idle chatter. “Excuse me.” She pushes past him, the more distance the better really.

“Good morning, Lexa.” Abby greets coldly, though she’s sure no one else can tell just how coldly. Abby’s lack of fondness always feels much colder to her on the holiday season, but the rest of the people Lexa cares about are here, so she can handle one inconvenience. It is Mr. Griffin’s wife after all, and Clarke’s mom, there’s got to be something redeemable about her.

Maybe that’s what Abby thinks every time she looks at Lexa too, just trying to find things to tolerate until she goes home and is free until the next holiday. “Good morning.” She smiles back just as strained and is relieved to see that Aden and Anya have returned from outdoors and now sit at the table.

“Lexa!” Aden says excitedly as Lexa approaches him and he flings his arms around her waist while still in his seat to greet her. She loves her brother, so something sets her at ease the moment he hugs her. She hugs him back and allows the weakness to show on her face.

For Aden, she always will. “Glad to see you got here safe, since you didn’t answer any of my texts.” Anya mumbles from beside Aden. She doesn’t look at her because she knows Lexa can read her face better than anyone else in the world. She doesn’t want Lexa to see that she was worried because she’s too busy treating Lexa like she’s fragile.

Even if she was fragile, she would still wish Anya wouldn’t do that. “I answered Clarke, I thought that would be fine.” She says quietly as she sits down next to Aden who’s still beaming at her widely and has moved his hold to her arm.

“Clarke isn’t your sister.” Aden parts from Lexa and frowns at Anya whose voice has grown slightly stern. She meets Lexa’s eyes and relaxes, a soft sigh escaping her. “I’m sorry, I just mean, I’m glad your safe.” She says honestly and turns back to her empty plate as they’re waiting to eat as everyone sits down.

Lexa touches her sister’s hand, “I’m sorry for worrying you.” She mumbles honestly and Anya gives her a brief nod and the somber moment between them seems to pass.

Despite the amount of seating choices, Clarke sits beside Lexa. Maybe because she’s practically programmed to by now, Jake would force her too if she had decided to sit somewhere else anyways. But Lexa likes to think that Clarke prefers the seat beside her, even if that isn’t true.

She ignores the thought in the back of her head that develops when she thinks it, about how Costia would feel knowing she was thinking like that. Costia isn’t here anymore, she doesn’t need to worry about it, _and yet…_

“Are you going to steal all the blueberry pancakes again because I’ll literally kill you.” Clarke’s still got that morning look in her eyes, but she’s so pretty in the morning that her glare is overshadowed by its softness. Her hair is brushed but somehow still messy, but it’s that kind of messy that fits her.

She doesn’t look even the least bit threatening. “You don’t even like blueberries.” Lexa reminds her because it’s true. Clarke practically hates blueberries, but she knows exactly what Clarke likes to do when it comes to pancakes.

Clarke snorts. “If you’re eating blueberry, so am I.” She thinks it annoys Lexa when she does this. She thinks it’ll be irritating and get on her nerves but… it’s really just kind of cute.

“Clarke, that’s silly.” Octavia says with a chuckle as she comes into the room. Lexa forgets that the newcomers are probably not used to this.

No one else at this table would even blink an eye. “No, it’s normal.” Lexa sighs with relief and immediately dives for the blueberry pancakes when Octavia sets them down.

_Maybe Octavia made them._ She can’t help but think hopefully. “Nice to see you Lexa.” She says with slight strain. Octavia is also not her biggest fan, but she can’t exactly pinpoint when the both of them didn’t really get along with each other. It’s in a much different way than she is with Clarke. There’s a mutual undercurrent of dislike but they tolerate each other for the other people in their lives and they always try to avoid being alone together. But it’s also different than how Abby is with her as well. Octavia wouldn’t sabotage blueberry pancakes because she knows they’re Lexa’s favorite. She’d just avoid talking about them with her.

She’s sure that Abby is convinced if she can make Lexa uncomfortable, she’ll stop coming on her own and won’t ever have to say anything to Jake or Clarke about it. “And you as well.” Clarke takes Lexa’s distraction with Octavia’s hello and window of opportunity to take the pancakes Lexa had grabbed and placed onto her plate off of her plate and onto her own.

“Clarke you can get your own.” Abby immediately scolds because it’s not proper dining room etiquette… and maybe she still made the pancakes bad, so she doesn’t want her daughter eating them. Abby would go out of her way for something like that.

Any chance she could get, she’d jib at her daughter though so maybe it really has nothing to do with the pancakes or Lexa at all. It made Lexa’s games with Clarke so much harder to play. “It’s okay, I know you prefer to have things after I’ve touched them.” Lexa says because she knows that will annoy Abby as much as it will annoy Clarke.

Clarke gasps. “You said you’d never bring that up again.” She whisper-shouts despite everyone at the table knowing exactly what they’re saying.

Raven laughs as she enters the dining room and slaps Bellamy over the side of the head when he mumbles some joke about it that Lexa doesn’t appreciate. He wasn’t even there, like he knows anything. “Oopsie.” Lexa says innocently and grabs more blueberry pancakes to place back on her own plate as Clarke pouts next to her.

She makes it up to her by grabbing her favorite syrup across the table. “The two of you are worse than children.” Anya sighs though her amusement is evident, at least to Lexa. She knows the subtle changes of her sister’s facial features.

“So, Clarke, who was Lexa talking about?” Bellamy has decided to switch seats from the opposite end of the table from them to the one directly across from the blonde, who’s mostly distracted by her pancakes but offers him a brief glance in acknowledgement that she at least heard him.

Lexa can’t help it if she scoots her chair closer to Clarke, if it’s doing anything it’s probably only going to annoy the blonde more. But Bellamy really irritates her, and she doesn’t like thinking about that rumor that someone in their friend group came up with over spring break, honestly, she doesn’t want to know if it’s true or not.

She just doesn’t like the way he looks at her.

“That’s really none of your business.” Lexa mutters and is promptly elbowed by Clarke.

“Be nice.” She scolds and Lexa rolls her eyes, now her own annoyance levels are beginning to skyrocket.

She can feel herself biting back not playfully this time. “You’re not my mom, I don’t have to listen to you.” Clarke glares at her but she watches Bellamy watch Clarke. She can feel her jaw clenching and it’s going to create a headache.

“The bickering isn’t going to help you with shopping later you know.” Jake pipes up amusedly, sipping his coffee as Clarke looks at him bewildered.

“What!? I thought we were doing that. She’s coming?”

“Ah kiddo, I got called to the Jaha’s for an emergency, I can’t so who better to take my place than Lexa?”

Lexa shrugs, feeling her jaw relax as she bites pancake. “Sounds fun.” She is relieved that there is flavor in these pancakes and looks down the table where Octavia seems to be in a discussion with… _who is that?_ Lexa has never seen her before, but she seems to know Raven who’s sitting beside her with her arm slung around the chair… _oh_.

_That’s Luna._ She briefly looks at Anya before Clarke is distracting her with her response. “Shut up, no it doesn’t.” Lexa looks to Clarke who’s pushing pancake around on her plate. She doesn’t like blueberries so the last thing she wants to do is eat it really. She’s so stubborn. It’s cute.

“You’re just upset because I won’t let you get every cheesy Christmas decoration you see.” Because she knows how Clarke is, she’s got no self-control this time of year.

“That’s it, we can just use decorations from last year, I’m not going with her.” Clarke slams her fork down on her plate. She’s not going to touch her food and she’s going to be hungry the entire time they shop and wants all the candy decorations… _she’s a mess_.

“You know it’s tradition to buy more lights and ornaments for the tree every year Clarke.” Abby says calmly, her tone it’s normal iciness. She’s almost convinced Abby’s favorite hobby is actually scolding her daughter.

It makes Clarke stiff every time she talks to her like that, even though Clarke’s grown up with it. “Tradition to do it with Dad, _not_ Lexa.” Lexa pouts slightly as past Christmases fly through her hair, many where she’s tagged along on the Christmas shopping.

“Hey, I’ve gone before.” She says offended, giving Clarke a false hurt look.

Clarke rolls her eyes and doesn’t meet her gaze. “Besides she likes all the boring white colored stuff. We won’t have anything colorful!” That’s entirely not true but Clarke thinks that anything that isn’t tacky isn’t colorful.

“I happen to be very creative you know.” Lexa says in her own defense, _again_.

“You should show Clarke your notebook!” Aden chimes in excitedly beside her. He’s much younger than everyone here, the only kid left at 10 years old.

Lexa is aware that sometimes 10-year old’s say things out loud they should not. “Aden, what did I say about the notebook?” She says calmly as Clarke finally looks at her rather than glares at her.

Aden frowns slightly as she racks his brain. She knows when he remembers because he looks at her sheepishly and sinks down in his seat. “Oh yeah, oops.”

“What about the notebook Aden?” Clarke asks in that sweet innocent tone she uses to get her way.

Aden beams at her. “Lexa has a notebook of drawings, it’s cool, you should draw with her.” He’s way to excitable and terrible at secrets. She should have realized that when she made him promise not to tell, but he found the notebook, it’s not like she told him by choice.

“You are the worst secret keeper.” She sighs heavily but she’s always known this about him so she can’t be mad.

Anya chuckles. “I thought you would have learned by now that he’s going to tell Clarke everything.” Anya’s right, if there’s anyone Aden loves more than Lexa and Anya, it’s definitely Clarke.

“_Traitor_.” She mumbles in his ear and he just giggles.

“I want to see your secret notebook Lexa.” Raven pipes up in an overly friendly and teasing tone and the brunette can only glare at her from where she sits down and across the table.

“I bet I know where you hide it.” Clarke contemplate thoughtfully and Lexa switches her glare to the blonde.

“Who says I even brought it with me.” She definitely brought it with her, she brings it everywhere.

“You definitely brought it with you.” Clarke grins pleased that she can become a nuisance to Lexa so early in the morning.

“I change my mind, I don’t want to go shopping with her, sorry Jake.” She shrugs and eats more of her pancakes, quicker so that she can start to make an escape from the table and possible run and bury the damn thing.

“Too late, verbal contract is already made. Have fun girls.” Jake says cheerily, still sipping from his ridiculous Santa mug.

“I’m gonna find it.” Clarke sings quietly as she finishes her pancakes.

Perhaps Lexa would find amusement in this, if it were about anything else, but it’s as personal as a diary. She can’t find it; there’s so much she would learn and so much she can’t know. “Good luck.” She says confidently, even though she’s already processing a solid hiding space for it while she’s here.

“So, can I come with you guys?” Bellamy asks across from them, eyes glued on Clarke as usual.

“Yes.”

“No.”

Both girls speak at the same time and then glare at each other.

“Sorry Blake, a Griffin and Woods family tradition. We’ll let you in on something else.” Jake winks at Lexa as Bellamy slumps in disappointment. That satisfies her greatly. The only thing that would impress her more would be Jake doing what he definitely wants to do and kicking all the Blakes out… except Octavia, she can stay cause she saved Lexa’s pancakes.

***

It takes not even ten minutes of being in the store for Clarke’s face to turn that frustrated red it gets around Lexa when she’s pushing her buttons. It’s almost laughable because she normally has more self-control, but Clarke is already stomping and grumbling at everything Lexa has to say.

Is amusing really, and normal. Lexa loves that it’s normal, because nobody has really been normal with her for a long while. It’s impossible to be around people, the people she cares about, without a sympathetic look or a concerned question most of the time. But Clarke doesn’t do that. At least she hasn’t yet, she’s being normal with her, doing what they normally do and for the first time in a long time Clarke seems to be the only person she can feel like she can breathe normally around.

She’s sure that’s probably not good but she refuses to analyze it… at least for now. “I’m telling you we have like thirty different Santa hats. You come home with new ones every year… plural.” Lexa explains as Clarke clutches tightly to a rainbow Santa hat. It’s unnecessary, in fact Lexa is almost sure they already have on that looks exactly like that.

“We need new ones, they get old.” Clarke whines and it’s like Lexa is shopping with Aden or an even smaller child rather than a full-grown adult.

“That’s not nice to say.” Lexa teases and Clarke glares at her.

“We’re getting it.” She says stubbornly. She knows Clarke isn’t going to budge but she’s well aware they really don’t need that, and they’re limited on the funds they can use for this expedition.

“No, we don’t need that, we can spend that ten bucks on the new stocking Raven requested for Luna.”

“Luna doesn’t need a new one, we have a thousand stockings, she can use an extra.” Though Lexa doesn’t really agree with Raven bringing Luna to this family event, she isn’t 100% aware of the circumstances. There was one time that Lexa, Anya, and Aden were the new strays that Jake took in.

Despite it, she can’t help but assume that Luna has been brought intentionally to get to Anya. Lexa should check on her when they get home. “A hand-me-down stocking? Really Clarke?” And she won’t be the protective sister she feels like being and act like Luna deserves a hand-me-down stocking. For all she knows Luna is family-less on Christmas and Raven is a friend that provided.

“What? It’s not like it really matters, she’s probably not even going to be here next year.” Clarke says with more annoyance than Lexa had been expecting to hear from her. Usually Clarke is open to the strays that Jake allows. Clarke is as inviting as he is and far too cheery about this holiday.

“How do you know that; they look kind of cozy.” Really, she says it because she wants Clarke to give her information on the matter, to understand what they are, or at least what Luna means to Raven right now.

“Did you notice the way Anya keeps looking at them?” Clarke asks curiously and Lexa immediately turns her eyes away because Clarke’s very good at reading her. Anya begged her not to get into this topic with anyone, _especially_ Clarke. Clarke will meddle and though Anya could use it she’s specifically requested that she gets none of it and Lexa’s loyalty lies with her sister.

“You know something,” Clarke chimes knowledgably and Lexa continues to avoid her eyes, grabbing a package of plastic ornaments that don’t look very interesting.

“You know how Anya is about strangers.” Lexa replies strongly she thinks, shrugging her shoulders as she places the ornaments back. “Put the Santa hat back.” She opts for a subject change, but Clarke Griffin is stubborn as hell and she know she’s not going to let it go that easy.

“What did she say to you?” She begins to interrogate.

“Hmm?” Lexa has made the mistake of meeting her eyes.

“You know something I don’t, and you’re not sharing and that’s not nice. It’s Christmas Lexa, you’re supposed to share.” Ironic that she would use that argument now when she had been so whiny about sharing the bed yesterday.

“Did anyone ever tell you how nosy you are?” Lexa muttered slightly annoyed as she pushed the cart passed Clarke to try and avoid interrogation.

“You have told me many times which is why you’re losing if you think I’m going to let you go without telling me.” She doesn’t even understand why she’s so interested. It’s none of her business and it’s not even really any of Lexa’s business.

It’s Anya’s, and Anya does not want any help. “I promised Anya I wouldn’t say anything, you’re nosy and don’t know how to mind your own business and stay out of other people’s affairs.”

“Did Anya and Raven have an affair?” Clarke gasps and Lexa rolls her eyes, practically facepalming as she brushes her hand through her hair.

_It’s definitely starting to frizz_.

“You’re so annoying.” And right now, she means it. Clarke can be absolutely relentless when she wants to know something and Lexa is just praying that for this, it’s not one of those times.

“What did you say early, you mean charming, cute, adorable?”

“I’m not going to tell you anything, I promised. If you want to know, you have to ask either Raven or Anya.” Yes, that’s a better argument, dignified.

“You’re being very stubborn about this Woods.” Clarke muddles over thoughtfully.

The queen of stubborn herself, calling her stubborn? Ridiculous. “Can you for the love of god put the ugly Santa hat back!”

“You’re gay you know, your supposed to like rainbows.” Clarke’s hugging the stupid thing again, close to her chest like it needs protecting from Lexa.

“I must have missed that in the lesbian handbook.” She rolls her eyes and pushes the cart forward with Clarke chasing her.

“You missed a lot of things in that handbook.”

Lexa grins. “How would you know?” She wiggles her eyebrows at Clarke and the blonde immediately turns red before she hits Lexa’s arm.

“Don’t be gross!” She tosses the rainbow Santa hat into the cart and Lexa finds herself glaring at it.

_She never listens._

***

“We should get lunch.” Clarke says loudly as they stop at their car.

“I assure you, 2 hours in a store with you is quite enough time.” Lexa says with amusement as she shoves the key of the car into the trunk lock, turning it and lifting it open. Clarke immediately starts piling stuff in, as unorganized as ever and it slightly irritates Lexa who starts maneuvering the items that she’s thrown in so carelessly.

She’s always like this, Lexa doesn’t get it. “Oh, but I thought you were the one that didn’t care if we had to go shopping together.”

“I forget how incredibly annoying you are until we’re in the same vicinity as each other for an extended period of time.” Lexa explains calmly having somewhat fixed the mess Clarke created and slams the trunk closed.

“I was forced to do this with you and now I’m hungry.” Clarke snatches the key from the trunk lock. “And now I’m driving, so we’re going to eat.” She demands stubbornly.

Lexa rolls her eyes. “Fine but anywhere but that weird café place you used to always go to.” She can still remember the smell of it, practically smelled like feet. She liked to go there because of stupid Finn Collins who worked there, and the guy was kind of sleezy, but Clarke had insisted he wasn’t.

Clarke makes a face, nose wrinkling up. That’s how Lexa feels about Finn Collins or Bellamy. “I was thinking pizza.”

“I don’t really eat pizza.” It’s not exactly the truth but it’s not really a lie either. She used to never eat pizza, she used to hate pizza. But… she spent a good six months with Costia practically living off the stuff with hardly any money and ever since she’s grown a small liking for it.

Clarke doesn’t need to know that and Costia would probably roll over in her grave if she knew Lexa was going to eat pizza with her. “And I don’t really care.” Clarke rounds the car and quickly gets into the driver seat, probably because she’s worried Lexa’s going to snatch the keys from her, she’s always been quicker so she knows she could. But she’s decided not to, passively getting into the passenger seat and letting Clarke take the reins.

They don’t hardly talk on their way to Clarke’s favorite pizza place in town, which is different for them, but Lexa doesn’t find the silence too uncomfortable.

***

As is everything else they do, they’re probably not even five minutes into choosing lunch before they begin arguing over small things. “Do we have to get that many toppings?” Lexa grumbles because she knows what Clarke likes on her pizza and she greatly disapproves of the pile they are often greeted with.

“It’s pizza Lexa, you’re supposed to have toppings on it.” Clarke says with a roll of her eyes.

“But that’s gross, no mushrooms.” Lexa _hates_ mushrooms.

“I like mushrooms.” Clarke pouts because it’s her favorite thing to put on pizza and Lexa’s least.

“Well you like stupid things.”

“Wow, congratulations, you’re five years old.”

“Have you two decided yet?” The waitress eyes Lexa closely as she approaches again and every time, she does it, it seems to aggravate Clarke to no end. It’s nothing if not amusing.

“No, we haven’t.” She says with a little too much irritation and the waitress gives her a look before kindly smiling at Lexa and walking off. She’s fairly pretty so Lexa watches her go though she can feel Clarke watching her watch the waitress.

“She’s going to spit on our pizza, that will be our third topping.” Lexa scolds and Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Please, she won’t because she wants to fuck you.” She says bluntly and Lexa gasps dramatically at Clarke’s choice in words.

The waitress had been flirting with her since they walked in, which was nice because that normally doesn’t happen to Lexa. She’s not exactly interested, but it’s still nice. Clarke, however, doesn’t seem to like it. “Clarke, we are in a family pizza place.”

“I’m just saying, it’s obvious.” Clarke grunts and sips her water.

“And it bothers you.” Lexa teases as Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Why anyone would want to be with you is beyond me.” She sighs heavily and Lexa feels herself deflate in a way she hadn’t been expecting.

That’s not how Clarke meant it; this is just what they do. But something has set her in a more fragile state than normal… _well_, she knows exactly what’s set her in that fragile state and it leaves her to fall quiet as she picks up her menu again to stare quietly at the different orders and prices of toppings.

“We can get it without mushrooms.” Clarke responds softly after a moment of quiet and Lexa looks at her to try and gage if this is pity. Clarke would hardly ever give openly on a topic like this when it comes to each other, so it makes her oddly suspicious.

She’s isn’t sure if the pity makes her feel better or worse.

“Clarke and Lexa?” A familiar voice calls from the distance, breaking Lexa out of her thoughts and apparently Clarke too who’s head shoots up from the menu finally to greet the voice.

“Echo?” They both ask in unison.

“Wow, I haven’t seen the both of you in years. I see your Dad all the time though Clarke.” Echo smiles warmly at her. She knows about that, yes, Echo works with Jake… Jake had told her so during their last phone call a week before.

“You do?”

“She works with him.” Lexa mumbles softly, for Clarke’s information and the blonde gives her a look.

“Of course you know that and I don’t.” Clarke throws her hands up like she’s giving something up. It’s cute and has Lexa grinning at her before she can help it. Clarke always finds it irritating when Jake tells Lexa things before he tells Clarke.

“I’m not surprised to see you two together.” Echo says with a warm smile.

Lexa can’t help the amusement that erupts inside of her at the implication and a snort escapes her and then a full laugh as Clarke glares at her. “What?” She says laughing and Clarke’s glare increases.

“What’s so funny?” Clarke snaps.

“I thought you guys were like… together by now.” Echo’s cheeks warm with embarrassment. “Sorry, my mistake.”

“Together? Me and Clarke?” Lexa continues to laugh and Clarke hits her in the arm. It actually hurts but she’s too busy laughing to care. Clarke would never date her in a thousand years, she practically finds Lexa the most irritating person on the planet.

They have a mutual respect, and Clarke does care about her despite her always saying she hates her but dating… that’s the furthest thing from anything. Clarke would never want to be with her and even if she did, other people certainly wouldn’t want her to be. “Clarke,” Lexa pushes Clarke away from her like she’s five years old and Clarke has cooties. “_Blech_.”

“God you’re a nuisance on my very existence!” Clarke slams her hands down, fuming at the comment and Lexa can’t help but laugh more.

No one could ever look at dating Clarke as “blech” it’s literally impossible, but she doesn’t need to know that. “Well, enjoy your lunch.” Echo mumbles with what appears to be slight amusement though she seems she’s still embarrassed from her assumption.

“What is wrong with you, you scared her away?” Lexa scolds while still with a slight chuckle in her voice.

“Fuck you!” Clarke grumbles. “We’re getting mushrooms.”

Lexa’s hates mushrooms. But she’s relieved to hear that. “Whatever you say.”

***

Clarke is absolutely pissed. She doesn’t specifically know why. Maybe it’s because it was embarrassing, hell, she had just told Lexa that she didn’t understand why anybody dated her a few minutes prior. But… at least she didn’t say _blech_, and there’s no way Lexa thought she was serious since this is just what they do. This is how they talk to each other.

But “_blech_” to an old high school friend? That’s just… Clarke grumbles as she drives, going a little too fast. Lexa glances over to her from the passenger seat but Clarke doesn’t bother meeting her gaze. She can feel the inquisitive green eyes studying her as she drives, and it only seems to aggravate her more.

“What’s wrong?” Lexa asks innocently, her voice sweet and soft as ever. All it does is increase Clarke’s irritation.

She doesn’t bother replying, not yet, not right now. She stews in her silent annoyance, driving a little recklessly and far too quickly up the curb to park the car outside of the house. She still says nothing as she gets out after pulling the keys from the ignition. Lexa follows her, quiet and watching her with those stupid green eyes and Clarke is so annoyed with how much time she’s been forced to spend with her.

“Clarke?” Lexa calmly asks and Clarke finally looks at her.

“You know, I’m a catch, anyone would be lucky to have me.” She snaps for some reason and Lexa looks at her with surprise and something else, a slightly different emotion than she’s used to witnessing on the brunette’s stupid face.

It quickly vanishes and morphs into that of utter amusement. “Is that what this is about?” She asks with genuine surprise as much as amusement.

“It was embarrassing Lexa!”

“You had literally just said to me that you couldn’t see why anyone dated me!” Lexa carefully argues back, amusement still all over her face. Her plump lips are even up in a perfectly small and attractive smirk. _She’s such an asshole._

“Yeah but I wasn’t serious, and I said that to you, not some girl we haven’t seen in years!” Clarke pouts as she unlocks the trunk and lifts the lid to reveal their shopping bags. She had watched Lexa carefully maneuver them after she purposely half-hazardly threw them in and she couldn’t believe that after all these years she was still the same about things like that, so particular and specific, but it gave Clarke an easy way of irritating the brunette back so she didn’t care.

She’s almost normally always too organized.

“Well I’m sorry that I embarrassed you.” Lexa says genuinely though her amused tone does well at masking it. “Did you think the girl was pretty Clarke and by saying you were _blech_ she now believes your _blech_, so I ruined your chances?” Those damn green eyes twinkle at her brightly, so amused and unbothered by her and how she reacts to the things Lexa does.

“NO!” Clarke shoves Lexa away from her as she’s grabbing a bag and the contents of the bag nearly flop out onto the snow-covered ground, icy and muddy and full of footprints and tire marks to ruin items perfectly.

“You know, I can talk to your dad. I’m sure he’d love to help set you up with anyone that wasn’t Bellamy.” Her dad does hate Bellamy.

Clarke shakes her head, that’s beside the point. “You are such and asshole and you know what… I was right, dating you would be so _blech_, the biggest _blech_, you’re as _blech_ as they come!” Clarke grabs several bags and storms off into the house, Lexa chuckling behind her, carrying her own weight.

She’s just a stupid pretty green-eyed jerk with a stupid nice laugh and Clarke can’t wait to get away from her for a few hours because an entire day with Lexa Woods is god damned exhausting.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the later update today. This week got really busy with college related work and my sleeping schedule got f*cked, but it's here on Saturday nonetheless. :)
> 
> Please enjoy.

Hours with Lexa Woods should be illegal. That’s how Clarke feels as she’s watching her laugh with Raven about something the girl is telling her. And why the hell does Lexa know something about Raven that she doesn’t? That doesn’t seem fair. Raven is her best friend, not Lexa’s.

“Gonna crush her this year?” Bellamy surprises her since she hadn’t even heard him walk up. She was too busy glaring in Lexa’s general direction to really realize it.

Raven’s jokes do always make Lexa laugh though and maybe her laughing is a good thing. Anya would think so right? “What?”

“Lexa? Family game night?” He says with a chuckle in his voice.

“You know about family game night?” She asks but she knows it’s a dumb question. Of course, he does, they’re staying here. One of her parents more than likely would have told him and Octavia and Marcus the moment they were joining them for Christmas.

“Yeah, your mom told me about it. Said we would make a great team.” He grins at her brightly, as if he’s said something really clever.

However, she doesn’t trust her mother’s judgement on anything. “We’ll see. We always start with something light, like a board game. I think Dad’s picking it, so I don’t think there will be any teams.” She shrugs though it’s possible there still will be. Her father loves the competitive side of any game.

“I can still help you crush her.” He smiles at her more and Clarke thinks he’s right. He could probably help take Lexa down. Bellamy is pretty competitive as well and Clarke refuses to take it easy on her for game night, any game night. Lexa and whatever team she has for any game wins most of the time every year. Clarke wants to kick her ass.

“Ha!” Lexa now stands in front of them. “You both can only dream. Going to try hard this year Clarke?” Lexa’s tone is full of playful teasing but something else is there too. Something that makes Clarke stare at her. She almost sounds… _angry_?

“Going to cheat like you normally do?” Clarke keeps her glare going but this moment doesn’t hold the same air that’s normally between them. They bicker, they don’t actually fight, but Lexa’s energy feels dangerously close to something along the lines of fighting.

“Oh, Clarkey I never cheat. You just suck.” She grins at her but it looks slightly empty and tired. She wonders if it’s obvious to anyone else, or if Clarke is just capable of reading her better than others.

There’s something wrong with her, maybe Clarke knows Lexa too well by now but… that’s kind of to be expected. They shared her bedroom for the last few years of high school. They share family vacations, holidays and significant life events. They know each other whether they like each other or not. “You know I hate it when you call me that.” She feels the genuine annoyance that Lexa causes begin to climb up the back of her spine despite her concern as Bellamy awkwardly stands beside her.

“You seem scared you’re going to lose this year.” Bellamy adds to the conversation and Clarke watches Lexa’s jaw twitch and she knows… _She’s definitely angry_.

But why? “You can’t even beat Aden in Pictionary. Do you really think you’ll be adding anything but extra weight?” Her tone has an underlining of the anger that Clarke can see on her face. She’s agitated mostly and Clarke wonders if it’s her fault, if maybe their bickering is too much like Anya may have said it would be.

“Lexa.” Clarke can’t help but scold because she’s got that scary calm angry tone to her voice that she’s only ever heard when she’s about to deck someone in the face.

She can’t hate Bellamy that much; she doesn’t really know him. “I’m sure people love being on your team, no fun, no freedom.” And he’s not helping by being antagonistic.

Lexa’s jaw is clenching and Clarke doesn’t really feel like icing Bellamy’s nose today, so she steps directly between them, hand instinctively touching Lexa’s wrist. “Bell, go see what my dad’s picking. I really can’t stand monopoly and he always tries it.”

Bellamy breaks his increasingly angered gaze off of Lexa to smile warmly at Clarke and nods his head. He bounces off happily and Clarke has no idea why Bellamy and Lexa are suddenly at each other’s throats. They weren’t like this before. Last spring break they were even playing Mario Kart together.

“What’s wrong with you?” Clarke asks and she doesn’t mean it to sound so scolding when she’s genuinely just worried about her. She wonders what Anya would say and if maybe she should ask her. Maybe Lexa’s just tired and has had too much time with too many people today.

Or too much of her.

She won’t admit how that thought seems to bring her mood down. “What’s wrong with me?” Lexa’s pulls her wrist from Clarke’s touch which Clarke actually didn’t realize she was doing until just now. “Of course, it’s me, right?” Her tone is still low and almost calm, but she can hear the anger in it.

She’s still clenching her jaw. “You practically jumped down his throat.”

“Whatever,” She goes to turn away but for some reason Clarke stops her, hand on her wrist again and the way Lexa looks at her makes her feel cold.

She lets go because she’s not used to Lexa ever looking at her like that. “If you’re upset and you want to get mad at someone, then make it me not Bell.”

That seems to be the wrong thing to say as Lexa’s eyes flare with whatever emotions she’s not trying to let boil over. “What’s that even supposed to mean?” Her voice has lost whatever collected tone it was managing to stay in and shakes slightly when she asks the question.

Clarke takes in a breath. “It means you’re shaking.” She touches her wrist again because Lexa really is shaking.

She thinks it must help her, at least a little bit because she stops shaking and she takes in a deep breath. “My only problem Clarke, is him and now you, so leave me alone.” She pulls her wrist away from Clarke again and leaves the room and Clarke watches her go, disappearing to the kitchen. She thinks Anya is in there so maybe her sister can communicate with her better.

Clarke probably isn’t the best person to calm Lexa down anyways.

She for some reason, annoyingly wishes she was though. “What was that about?” Raven asks curiously with a furrow of concern to her own brows.

“She’s just… being Lexa.” Clarke rolls her eyes, but she can feel it… the small pit of worry bottling itself up, the sympathy, the desire to ask her how she’s feeling.

Costia didn’t just die, she watched her die. She’s not okay and maybe Anya is right. Acting normal, bickering back and forth, maybe it’s not working. Maybe she really needs a gentler touch right now and Clarke should do her best to reign in her normal sass.

That doesn’t mean she’s going to let her win game night of course. As much empathy as Clarke feels for her, she’d never give her a win. Lexa would just hate that, and Clarke is far too competitive to ever let that happen.

***

“Well you cheated.” Clarke mumbles stubbornly even though she’s well aware she didn’t.

“You say that every time you lose, it doesn’t mean it’s true.” Lexa responds as she sits down at the dining table, Clarke automatically sitting down beside her.

“I’m with Clarke on this one.” Anya adds on, sitting down beside Lexa and Clarke practically squeals because it’s not often Anya will take her side. Usually only when she feels like bugging Lexa and recently, she’s been more concerned for Lexa than wanting to bug her.

People are always on Lexa’s side so no matter the reason, Clarke will still take the help. “I wouldn’t normally do this, but I did have the genius on my team.” Lexa grins at Raven across the table whose smirk turns confident and wide.

Raven chuckles. “Damn right you did.” She high fives Lexa over the table and Clarke can’t help but roll her eyes.

“Are you saying you only won because of Raven?” Clarke asks with a raise of her eyebrow, a small smirk gracing her mouth.

“Oh of course not, she couldn’t have won without me. I’m just admitting it was a team effort.” Lexa’s grin is genuine again. She had relaxed throughout the game even when Bellamy started trash talking from the other side of the table. It seems that Clarke could make her feel better by being just as competitive as they always are.

So maybe Anya was still wrong. “I agree, I call Lexa for the rest of the holiday.” Raven says.

“You can’t do that.” Anya argues and Raven glares at her.

She shrugs. “There’s no rule that says I can’t.”

Anya rolls her eyes. “Jake, can Raven claim Lexa for the whole holiday?”

Her father chuckles in his seat as he’s cutting into the meat on his plate. “You have to claim me too kiddo.” He winks at Lexa and Clarke immediately starts to pout.

“Dad!” She exclaims. “My team or no team.” She points at him as if it’s threatening but that only seems to amuse him and Lexa as well.

“That doesn’t seem fair.” Lexa teases.

“If Raven can claim you then I can claim my dad.” She thinks it’s reasonable, she doesn’t see why it isn’t.

“No permanent teams.” Anya argues, rolling her eyes and digging into the food on her plate.

It’s silent quiet for a second as food clatters onto plates, everyone in the house settled down to eat dinner. Lexa’s grabbing cooked carrots and somehow Clarke knows she’s going to end up with those nasty things on her plate so she’s shoving her hands away from them to try and stop the inevitable. It only makes her laugh. “Uh Lexa.” Aden’s kicking his feet under the table, Clarke is close enough to him that she can feel the wind of his movements. He looks nervous to say what seems to be on his mind.

Lexa softens for him though, she always will. She and Anya are very protective of him. He was only a baby when their parents past. The only home he knows is them and the Griffin’s. “What’s up buddy?” In fact, Clarke is sure that this is the softest she’s seen Lexa all day.

“Can we still do that thing we used to do, with Costia?” He won’t look at her as he asks. He pushes the food on his plate around and the room grows incredibly quiet at the mention of her name.

Clarke knows Lexa hates it by the way her leg starts to bounce next to hers, practically in the same motion as Aden’s swishing feet. “Of course, yes we can.” She says softly because Aden is a kid, but Clarke can see it. The flinch of emotion, the clench of her jaw, the tight grip on her fork.

She can hardly talk about her without wanting to explode. “It’s okay if you don’t want to.” Aden mumbles softly almost as if he’s afraid of getting scolded for mentioning her.

Lexa drops her fork to reach over and grab his hand with her own. “She’d want us to do it buddy.” She smiles at him, as forced as it is. She’s trying to comfort him even if she herself is incredibly uncomfortable.

“That’s what I thought too.” He agrees after a moment. The room is still incredibly quiet so his voice sounds louder than it normally ever is.

Clarke can see people in the room looking at Lexa, as if waiting for her to do something. It’s starting to annoy her if she’s honest. “What is it you guys do?” Raven asks after thirty seconds of awkward silence.

“It’s a secret!” Aden says loudly which makes Raven laugh.

“That’s right.” Lexa lets go of his hand and grabs her fork again.

It’s still quiet though, the mention of Costia looming over them. Lexa’s leg continues to bounce impatiently the quieter it is. Clarke is just trying to think of something to get the room loud again, to move the energy along and find the best way to relax Lexa’s nerves when she feels a cooked carrot hit her cheek.

She glares at Lexa who’s smirking. “Bitch, I’m going to kick your ass.” She could puke just having that touch her cheek.

“With your puny arms?” Lexa teases, squeezing an upper arm as if to emphasis Clarke’s lack of muscle.

“I have strong arms!” Clarke leans over and grabs Lexa’s bread roll from her plate.

Anya chuckles. “The two of you are literally three years old.”

“They’ve demoted us from five.” Lexa practically whispers in her ear and Clarke ignores the slight tickle of the interaction.

“You are three, flicking food at people.” Lexa flings more carrots onto her plate with her spoon and Clarke grumbles, wrinkling her nose up as she pushes them off her plate.

“You deserve it.” Lexa practically whispers in her ear again and Clarke shoves her to try and get rid of the tickle of the action it brings again.

***

“You are definitely sleeping on the floor.” Clarke mumbles over a yawn as they walk through the bedroom door. She knows that’s not going to happen. She knows that they’re going to share, as they always do. But it doesn’t mean that she’s not going to argue about, it doesn’t mean that she’s going to act like she’s willing to do it.

That’s not what they do.

“As if, you’ve been the nuisance all damn day. You get the floor.” Lexa goes for her unpacked suitcase to riffle through it for something to sleep in and Clarke watches her a moment.

Lexa always unpacks when she gets here. She likes being organized, she’s very particular in that way. So, this… is out of character. “It’s my room, my bed, so I get the bed.”

“Your parents got that bed this year for our comfort, so technically, it’s our bed.” Lexa smirks at her before she looks back down into her suitcase.

Clarke glares at her back. “Eww, you’re not allowed to refer to stuff as “_ours_” ever again.” She protests dramatically. She watches Lexa peel her top off, eyes getting sidetrack with the art down her spine.

She can remember when she got that only because Lexa had asked her to draw it for her. Begged her and paid her even. She shakes her head, looking away and falling onto the right side of the bed. “Why are you stilled packed?” She dares to ask, still looking at the ceiling.

“Oh.” She can see Lexa look at her from her peripheral vision. “Just haven’t had the time because I got in late, and we were busy all day. Now I’m too tired of all that time I had to spend with you, you’re exhausting you know.”

“I’m exhausting!?” Clarke snorts. “You hear yourself talk everyday right?”

“I’m absolutely wonderful to be around. That’s why Jake loves me so much.” She can see Lexa peel off the pants she’s wearing too from her peripheral vision and focuses too much on the patterns on the ceiling.

Clarke throws a pillow across the room, missing Lexa on purpose but close enough to her that it lands on her suitcase. “Shut up.” She says half-heartedly because really… if anyone could use love from someone like her father it’s Lexa.

She’s never going to admit that to her of course, the only reason she’s thinking it right now is because she’s tired. “Admit it, you love sharing a bed with me.” Lexa teases as she lifts the covers to climb under them on the left side. “It’s your favorite thing about the holidays.”

“I despise you.” Clarke mumbles grumpily as she crosses her arms along her chest in protest. “Just breathing the same air as you is torture.”

“You’re no breath of fresh air yourself Griffin.” Lexa chuckles, seemingly unbothered and turns over on her side, her tang-top she’s in allows the tattoo on her spine to peek out on the top. Clarke’s fingertips twitch to trace it, only because of it’s artistic look of course, Clarke’s a sucker for design… even if she did draw this herself.

“Like I’m sleeping without the sanctuary of the pillow wall.” Clarke grumbles, pilling the extra pillows down the middle to make sure they don’t touch.

“You’re going to get cold and ignore it anyway.” Lexa mumbles tiredly into her pillow and Clarke freezes a moment.

Even if it’s true, even if they’ve woken up attached to each other on many occasions, it was a silent agreement to never say it out loud unless it was to argue. “You’re the one that doesn’t know how to stay on her side of the bed.” She finishes fluffing up the pillows in the middle before she’s peeling her own pants off and her bra, tossing them on the floor, too lazy to put them away properly at the moment.

“You want to argue about that?” She can practically hear Lexa’s grin that she’s sure she’s hiding her pillow while her back is too her.

For some reason Clarke keeps looking at her tattoo, or what she can see of it anyway. It’s not like she hasn’t seen it before, she doesn’t know what her problem is today. Maybe it’s the limited time she’s had with art recently. “Shut up, you’re literally so irritating.”

Lexa chuckles and it only serves to further get on Clarke’s nerves who huffs and turns on her side as well to face away from her. She’s exhausted, can feel the days events and hours of bickering with Lexa taking it’s toll. She’ll be out soon.

But she can’t sleep before she says it, no matter how hard she’s tried to act like everything is normal. “I’m sorry…” She breathes slightly, quieter than she’d normally ever speak. “About what happened, about Costia. I know you miss her.” She’s almost afraid Lexa is going to get up and storm out or start yelling at her. Maybe that’s why she starts holding her breath. She’s sure she’s crossed over a line that they’ve carefully set between them. It’s too personal she’s going to be pissed.

But a few more moments of silence pass and she’s says nothing, and Clarke relaxes because Lexa not saying anything is her accepting what Clarke has said to her. She doesn’t need to say anything at all, Clarke can feel the air in the room relax.

A few more minutes of silence pass and Clarke assumes Lexa has fallen asleep. She stares at the wall trying to listen to her breathing, but Lexa’s never been the most obvious or loud sleeper. She hopes she’s able to sleep through the night, Lexa’s always had trouble doing so.

She closes her own eyes but opens them again when she feels Lexa move in the bed, adjusting and then she feels Lexa’s ankle brush and press up against her own. She says nothing still, but the touch is acceptance and different.

If Clarke’s heart is picking up in her chest, she’d deny it.

***

It's way too early for Clarke to be up. She hates mornings, but god she’s so fucking hot. It takes her about 30 seconds to figure out why but once she does, she can’t help but sigh. Lexa’s ankle has turned into her full body, she can feel every sleeping breath she takes pressed up against her back.

Lexa is so fucking hot.

Clarke groans and twists in Lexa’s arms to get a better angle to shove the girl off. She freezes for a second, staring at her face mere inches away from her own. She looks peaceful and delicate that she almost doesn’t want to move an inch.

Lexa’s brow furrows and she watches it before shaking her head and pushing Lexa off of her and onto her side of the bed. “Personal space.” Clarke grumbles loudly, knowing the movement would have done enough to wake her up.

“Stop moving,” Lexa mumbles quietly, voice hardly above a whisper as she snuggles down into her own pillow.

Clarke hates that she keeps watching her. It’s not fair that Lexa Woods is cute even when she’s sleeping. People are supposed to drool and sweat and hang their mouths open in their sleep but of course Lexa has to do that perfectly too. “You’re so hot.” Clarke complains, kicking the blankets off her overly warm body.

“I didn’t know you felt that way about me.” When she looks back at Lexa’s face, eyes still closed, she’s already got that annoying smirk forming on her mouth.

“God, shut up.” Clarke sits up.

“I haven’t slept that well in ages.” Lexa sighs peacefully and scoots closer to the middle of the bed, the pillows that Clarke had formed to separate them were all over the bed now as they averagely end up.

“Well I’m baking and its 6 am. I’m glad you’re comfortable.” Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Better than being cold.” Lexa’s sleepy green eyes open to her. Her smirk lifts up from a smirk into a full-blown grin and Clarke hates that she finds comfort in the smile. Perhaps she’ll stay here with Lexa awhile longer, just so she can sleep more.

“Aren’t you going to run?” Clarke asks her instead, flinging her legs over the side of the bed. She won’t stay, Lexa wouldn’t want the special treatment, she despises special treatment right now, even if she needs it.

“I guess.” Lexa sighs heavily and pulls herself up in the bed into a sitting position, leaning against the back of the headboard. “You’re actually getting up?”

“If I don’t, you’re just going to wake me up anyways asshole.” She throws a pillow that had fallen onto the ground at some point in the night at her head and Lexa catches it.

“That kind of language so early in the morning?” Lexa pouts pushing out a plump bottom lip and Clarke’s glad the sun has hardly risen so she can’t see the way she stares at her mouth for a second.

It’s not because Lexa is attractive. Clarke has hardly ever noticed that. _What do people even see in Lexa?_ She has no idea.

“Plus, I want a shower first.” Clarke clears her throat and forces her gaze off of Lexa, picking up some discarded clothes from last night to throw them in the hamper where they belong.

“But you’ll use all the hot water.” Lexa seems to continue to pout but Clarke doesn’t look at her, focused now on searching through her dresser to see what she wants to wear afterward.

“And you won’t?” Clarke glances back at her as she pulls things from the dresser.

“It’s fine when I do it.” Lexa shrugs.

Clarke scoffs. “Oh of course.”

A few moments of silences pass as Clarke grabs her favorite towel from her own not completely unpacked suitcase. “We could always preserve water, share.” Lexa speaks up again and Clarke freezes a moment at the comment.

She’s never heard her say something like that before. “That’s not even funny.” Clarke grips her towel more tightly and books it for the bathroom before Lexa gets the energy to get up and beat her to it and block the door or something. She’d do something like that.

She very assuredly does not think about preserving water with Lexa Woods. What an absurd comment.

“I have to pee Clarke!” Lexa yells as she shuts the door.

“There’s three other bathrooms!” She shouts back, unrelenting. If it was the other way around, she’d barge in on Lexa so she hopes Lexa isn’t going to do that to her right now. Especially as she’s stripping the remaining clothes she had slept in away and turning the hot water on to heat up.

Lexa wasn’t serious about sharing, she hates sharing. She was just being obnoxious because that’s what Lexa does. Clarke has no idea why she keeps thinking about it, it’s not even the craziest thing Lexa’s ever said to her even if it was more unusual than normal.

“Downstairs bathroom is so far; I really have to go.” Lexa is by the door now and Clarke’s heart picks up.

“Okay but wait, don’t come in yet.” She wonders if Lexa can hear the rush of panic in her tone at the thought of Lexa barging in on her.

“Are you exposed Griffin?” Lexa’s tone is that normal teasing one she’s always using on her and it again makes Clarke roll her eyes.

“Shut up!” Clarke checks the water and is relieved it’s warm, getting into the shower and pulling the curtain quickly over. “Alright!”

Lexa rushes in and Clarke practically laughs when she hears her trip.

She focuses on the hot water and not on the fact that Lexa is currently in the room. At least until she starts talking again. “Do you know how domestic this is Clarke, we’re practically married now.” She laughs and Clarke is relieved she doesn’t flush the toilet while she’s in the shower. If the rolls were reversed Clarke would have.

“Like I’d ever marry you.” She scoffs in response.

Lexa sniffles loudly. “That really hurt Clarke.” Her tone is full of mocking and dramatics.

“Shut up and go for your run.”

“If you use all the hot water, I’m going to hold it against you.” Lexa pokes at the shower curtain so it moves in on her slightly and Clarke smacks back at it hoping to hit her hand.

“What are you going to do, pester me to death? Annoy me? You do that just by breathing.”

“Is that a challenge. I can think of something new to do to drive you crazy.” Clarke thinks she can hear the faucet of the sink going as Lexa washes her hands and brushes her teeth.

“I don’t think there’s anything left Woods. Face it, you’re the most irritating person on the planet.” Of course, that’s probably not true but as far as Lexa knows it is.

“Careful Clarke, I’m discovering something that makes you a little crazy and I might use it more.” She frowns trying to think of something Lexa has done in the last few days that more irritating than her general existence.

She frowns. “I don’t know what that means.”

Lexa pokes at the shower curtain again. “Should I join you?”

“Lexa! I swear to god you open this curtain I will fucking kill you.” She practically yells it.

Lexa cackles and it makes Clarke grind her teeth. “I’ll see you for breakfast.” She listens as Lexa closes the bathroom door and lets out a breath that she hadn’t fully realized she was holding while Lexa was in the bathroom with her.

She wonders if this is how Lexa feels when Clarke barges in to bug her? Why though, is this new feeling blossoming between this kind of action. These are the same things they grew up doing but for some reason… Clarke’s heart is going fucking crazy.

She presses her palm over her chest and shakes her head. She’s just over thinking, Lexa’s going through a really hard time so she’s acting a little different and she’s treating Lexa a little different and feeling empathy for Lexa as she’s done before. It’s nothing weird. It’s the same as always, it’s the same as it always will be.

This isn’t weird.

Lexa is back from her run sooner than Clarke had been expecting. She’s just brushing her teeth with her favorite towel still tightly wound around her body as Lexa barges back into the bathroom, making her jump almost ten feet into the air. “Jesus.”

“No, Lexa. But sometimes, in bed, girls call me that.” She winks at Clarke and it’s actually incredibly annoying.

“You sound like a cliché tv jock when you talk like that.” Clarke says around a mouthful of toothpaste and toothbrush.

Lexa chuckles. “You used all the hot water, didn’t you?” Lexa’s eyes brush down her body to examine the evidence that she hasn’t been out of the shower that long and Clarke feels more exposed than normal. Lexa has seen her in a towel ten thousand times before but for some reasons Lexa’s eyes linger and it makes Clarke’s heart freak out again.

She’s getting really sick of that.

She doesn’t even know what that means. “As promised.” Clarke grins at her with her toothbrush still in her mouth but squeals slightly as Lexa shoves her and moves to the shower to turn it on.

She doesn’t smell like someone who has been running and sweating. She smells like icy snow and pine tree which can only be fitting to her last name. Clarke goes to say something else that will irritate Lexa but gets distracted by the tattoo along her spine again as she peels the top she’s wearing off.

“You can’t wait until I’m done!?” Clarke squeaks, voice higher pitched than usual as she averts her gaze and spits the toothpaste out of her mouth.

“I’m sweaty.” Lexa complains almost like a child. “Don’t look.” She shrugs it off like stripping in front of her is something casual.

What is wrong with Lexa besides the obvious lately? “You can get maybe a good five minutes.” Clarke gargles water and spits it back out before washing off her toothbrush. She resists the urge to look up through the mirror and find Lexa… afraid she’ll find Lexa really, but she can hear the shower curtain pull back and then forward and then she looks up.

She can see her figure outlined behind the curtain and Clarke watches it a second before shaking her head and storming out of the room. Lexa has seemingly forgotten what boundaries are, which is unbelievable because she’s worse about it than Clarke is.

The room itself is cold and Clarke is shivering as she shuts the bathroom door behind her. She presses her palm over her heart again in hopes that will calm it down.

If Lexa’s going to be this annoying today, well, she can be just as annoying.

***

“Okay, groups.” Jake claps his hands together as they stop in the store. “Anya with Raven, Lexa with Clarke and I’m with you of course.” Jake kisses Abby’s cheek and Clarke wrinkles her nose up at the affection.

“Um, I refuse, you made us shop together yesterday.” Lexa doesn’t really seem to be paying attention to the matters but if she hadn’t wandered off into her head somewhere Clarke’s sure she’d be joining her in protest.

“Actually Jake, I’d like to go with Clarke.” Clarke looks at Anya, not completely shocked by that but interested in the reaction that Raven seems to give Anya. Lexa says nothing however, her eyes have found a firm place on the ground where she kicks her shoe at a scuffed-up tile.

“Um-” Jake is interrupted before he can insist.

“That’s a great idea, I want to hang out with Lexa actually.” Raven speaks up and Clarke watches Anya’s hands fist.

“Well, alright, I guess you win this time Clarke.” Jake winks at his daughter and Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Yes!” Raven says happily and curls her arm around Lexa’s to drag her away who seems to come out of her head long enough to notice that they’re splitting apart now.

She looks back at Clarke and Clarke avoids eye contact and looks to Anya instead. “We’ll meet back here in two hours!” Jake shouts after them and ruffles Clarke’s hair who groans at him with annoyance as he walks off with Abby.

“Are you okay?” She asks Anya whose hands have unclenched. She looks entirely unbothered now as if Clarke didn’t just watch a thousand emotions cross her face a few seconds ago.

“I’m great. Let’s go this way I guess.” Anya points to the right since Raven and Lexa had split off to the left and Abby and Jake took north. She briefly touches Clarke’s arm and then begins to walk. “How’s Lexa?” She shoves her hands in her coat pockets as Clarke pushes a cart forward to follow her.

“Acting weird.” Clarke says wrinkling her nose. “Is that why you wanted to shop with me? Just to ask about Lexa?” Clarke playfully pouts and Anya rolls her eyes as they walk.

“How is she acting weird? What is she doing?” The concern colors her tone and it makes Clarke wonder how little Lexa must be talking to her. It must drive her crazy.

“She hasn’t unpacked her suitcase.” Clarke shrugs. “She’s not sleeping that well, bad dreams. She’s getting angry over stupid things. I mean she’s always been a bit of a hothead but it’s different. And she keeps… saying things to me that are just… I don’t know, weird.” She shrugs against and drums her fingers along the bar handle of the shopping cart.

“I told you, she’s more fragile than she’ll ever say.” Anya’s hand tangles into her hair to brush the strands back before letting them go.

“She practically ripped Bellamy’s throat out yesterday.” Clarke finds that she seems to feel concerned for Anya too. They all knew Costia, but Anya and Lexa lost their parents before and now with Costia… it has to be stressful on her too.

“Well, she’s not the biggest fan of Bellamy. I’m sure she’s more irritated by him now than she already was.” Anya sighs.

“Really, they seemed to get along so well spring break.”

“Did they? Lexa was obsessed with beating him at every event, I’m not sure that’s getting along.” She chuckles slightly.

Clarke shrugs again. “Well Lexa’s competitive. She does that to me.” She reasons.

“No Clarke. She’s competitive sure, she messes with you yes. But she’s let you win so many times since before we even moved in with you guys after, you know.” Anya taps the cart to turn down a specific aisle and Clarke follows her.

Clarke tries to wrack her brain for one time that Lexa has let her win and she can’t come up with anything. Lexa is a sore loser and an irritating winner. “She has not. She’s insufferable with games.” With almost everything if Clarke’s honest.

Anya rolls her eyes at her. “Shut up Clarke, you know she’s soft.”

Clarke shrugs. “Hey what’s going on with you and Raven?” She doesn’t realize that Anya has stopped walking until she’s a couple paces ahead and has to stop and turn to see her.

She’s just staring at her, but Clarke isn’t sure what that means. “Did Lexa say something to you?”

“Not really, I tried to get her too, but she was unrelenting. Annoyingly so.” Clarke sighs just remembering the conversation. Lexa’s loyalty is nothing to laugh at, that’s for sure.

“It’s nothing. Ask Raven.” Anya shakes her head.

“Is it that Luna girl? Cause you know if you like her you should tell her I don’t think she’s that serious about Luna she’s never even mentioned to me that they were dating.” Clarke can admit that it leaves her feeling kind of offended but also not super surprised. Raven wasn’t the most talkative when it came to romantic relationships.

“Yeah well…” Anya sighs. “Raven not telling people who she’s dating isn’t something new, trust me.” Anya grabs a snow globe the shelf and turns it over to make the snow fall in it.

Clarke furrows her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t matter, hey look at this.” Anya goes for a subject change and it works only because she points out something with a pun on it that her father would love.

They spend the next hour and a half filling up their own cart with individual presents for people. There are so many people to buy for and Anya is continuously adding things up in the cart, so focused on the budget just like Lexa. They can be a lot alike. Clarke admires that though. She always wanted siblings; the Woods really were the closest thing she had to it… Well… Lexa is different, but Anya and Aden… Anya and Aden were like siblings.

Time is almost up where they’ll have to meet back up in the middle of the store, but Clarke can’t help but stop over something that is more Lexa than she’s ever seen. Anya stops with her to look at it and she knows; she knows exactly who Clarke is thinking about the moment she stares at it. “You should get it for her.”

Clarke can’t help but shake her head even though her gut twists at the thought of leaving it behind. “No you should. We get each other joke gifts every year anyways.” She waves it off though she reaches it out to touch the piece of art, more attracted to design than anything.

“Well maybe this year is different.” Anya touches her arm briefly again.

Clarke feels the sigh leave her before she can stop it. “I don’t think she’d appreciate it Anya. She doesn’t want me to treat her differently. She blows up at the mere implication.”

“She needs different though Clarke. You were just saying yourself, she’s weird. She’s not doing that well even if she’s trying to convince us all she’s fine. We know her better than anyone else in the world, me and you.” Anya pushes the cart. “At least think about it, you can come back for it.”

Clarke sighs and stares at the piece of art for a really long period of time before she leaves it to catch up to Anya who’s already on her way back to the middle of the store.

_Maybe_.

***

“Paintball!” It’s the first time Clarke has heard Lexa’s voice raise into an octave of overexcitement since she got here. If things were different between them, she’d be extremely happy to hear the sound. She’d admit how lovely it is and thank her dad for being a genius because nothing cheers Lexa up like physical battle games.

But that’s not how things work between them and Lexa can be so annoying and she’s definitely going to cheat so Clarke says nothing and refuses to acknowledge any warm emotions that seem to be piling its way up into her heart. All this empathy she has for Lexa right now is really messing with her head and her chest. Lexa gets close and her heart starts acting like a jackhammer.

“Lexa, I thought you could be captain.” Jake grins at her and Clarke thinks her father knows exactly what he’s doing. Lexa is practically a daughter to him. He can probably see everything Clarke sees. He’s doing what he can to try and make her happy on purpose.

Jake isn’t even the biggest fan of paintball. “Well I call other captain then.” Clarke demands because Lexa will have even more fun if she’s kicking Clarke’s ass and she definitely will, in paintball Clarke knows there’s no winning but it doesn’t mean she’s not going to try.

“Please, you remember what happened the last time we played paintball.” Lexa’s eyes twinkle into her own and Clarke ignores how pretty they are.

“You’re afraid of all the practice I’ve had, because I’ve had a lot Lexa and I can totally beat you.” No, she can’t but again, it doesn’t mean she’s not going to try.

“In your dreams Griffin, I’m going to kick your ass and you know it.” Her entire face is lit up. Clarke can tell Anya notices too by the slight upturn of her own lips as she stares after her.

Clarke shrugs “I’m taking Anya.”

Lexa nods. “I’m taking Raven.”

That makes the girl mentioned whose standing behind her laugh. “I’ve got one working leg Lex.”

“Paintball is strategy and who’s better at that then you?” Lexa reasons grinning at the girl, still overexcited.

“Good point.” She pats Lexa back and steps over to the paintball guns that Jake had laid out on the table.

“Can I call a team?” Octavia asks as she’s pulling a heavy coat on.

“If it’s mine.” Clarke says.

“Actually.”

Lexa looks at her surprised. “You’re definitely not winning Clarke.”

“You take Aden if you take Octavia.” Clarke argues.

“Hey. I’m good!” Aden practically yells, crossing arms over his chest.

“Can I be on your team Clarke?” Bellamy asks as he steps next to her.

Lexa’s jaw clenches immediately and Clarke watches her carefully. “Definitely.” She says and grins at him widely.

“Luna’s on our team.” Raven calls.

“And you get your mom and dad. You’re so losing.”

“Mom hates paintball.” Clarke complains.

“Hey, I’m pretty good too.” Abby pipes up.

“Teams are set, may the best win.” Lexa reaches out her hand to shake with Clarke and Clarke glares at her.

She takes her hand in her own, it’s warm, soft, Lexa’s hands always are. Her fingers curl around her palm and they shake, and Clarke feels her skin tingle as she lets go.

“You’re going down.” She says with a heavy breath, Lexa’s eyes twinkling into her own.

***

“You didn’t need to keep shooting me!” Clarke yells, shoving Lexa as she’s walking up the stairs. Her reflexes are good, so she grips the rail to stop herself from falling.

Lexa’s only laughing, despite Clarke’s shoving. “You like colors though.” Clarke could point out that so does she but that’s beside the point.

“You know what, inconsiderate, I get the shower first.” She shoves Lexa again as they reach the door so she can enter before her.

But Lexa’s grabbing at her waist to pull her back from the door. “No way, my team won!”

“You guys are literally five years old.” Anya rolls her eyes, wiping the dry paint on her cheek as she comes up the stairs.

“She makes a good point; winners should shower first.” Raven grins warmly at Anya as she comes up behind her. Anya only rolls her eyes.

“I don’t care.” She shrugs and Raven’s smile immediately drops.

“Of course you don’t.” Raven shoves past them as Clarke and Lexa look at each other. “Goodnight Clarke, Lex.” Raven waves as she disappears down the hall and into the doorway of the bedroom she’s sharing with Anya and Luna.

“Anya-”

“Lexa.” Anya replies warningly before disappearing as well, still rubbing her cheek.

“You have to tell me what is going on with them!” Clarke says after a moment of silence, making sure they’re far enough down the hallway.

Lexa releases her waist which Clarke herself hadn’t realized she was still holding until the moment she let go of her. “No way. I promised and you’ll meddle.” She points at her knowingly and Clarke examines the red and blue and yellow splashed across her jaw and hair.

Lexa would look really pretty covered in art. “I swear I won’t meddle. I’ll even pretend I don’t know.” She shrugs and clears her throat to stop staring at her.

“Please Griffin you can’t keep a secret for shit.” Lexa bumps her slightly as she passes the doorway into the bedroom. Clarke quickly follows to make sure that Lexa isn’t claiming the bathroom first.

“I can too!” Lexa moves toward the bathroom, but Clarke sprints the moment she moves, slamming against the closed door. “No mine!”

“You know what, fine, it’s only considerate of me since I won and all.” Lexa crosses her arms along her chest, smirk looking smug all over again.

“Oh, shut up, you’re so fucking annoying.” Clarke grumbles as she turns around to face the bathroom door.

“Adorable you mean.”

“The people you’ve been dating have been feeding you lies.” Clarke says without thinking, pulling the bathroom door open. She turns back around once she enters. “I didn’t mean-”

“I know Clarke.” Lexa’s tone comes slightly harshly but she grins at her when she looks at her. “Don’t start getting soft on me now huh?” She frames it like a question but it’s not a question. It’s more of a hopeful order.

“Soft, on you? Never. I hate you.”

“And by hate you mean secretly in love with me.” Lexa’s smirk returns as she leans against the doorway of the bathroom, perfect eyebrows raising up at her and Clarke catches herself watching the arches.

“You wish.” She sneers in reply. “I’m going to use all the hot water again.”

Lexa rolls her eyes. “And you call me annoying.”

Washes and cleaned doesn’t end their bickering, in fact, it probably only increases it. “Move, you can’t hog the whole mirror.” Clarke grumbles as Lexa’s wet hair manages to touch her shoulder.

“You don’t need the mirror to brush your teeth Clarke.” Lexa pushes lightly to try and separate them.

“It’s apart of the process.” Clarke’s just arguing to argue. She’s tired, exhausted from the battle and the shopping and from her weird heart palpitations, but she’s never too exhausted to annoy Lexa as much as Lexa likes to annoy her.

“You just want to argue with me.” She says knowingly.

“Funny coming from you when you pester me about everything.” She tries to push Lexa over with her hip, bumping into her but the brick wall hardly moves.

“I’m pretty sure you have that backwards.” She responds, chuckling and disappearing from the bathroom into the bedroom.

Clarke follows after her. “I’m pretty sure I don’t.” Lexa begins to position the pillows into the pillow wall down the bed as Clarke climbs onto the right side. “I think you bruised a rib by the way.” She finds something else to complain about though it’s not true.

She just feels like arguing with her. It’s normal and when her heart is acting so funny and Lexa’s moods are all over the place the best thing, she can probably do is normal. “No, I didn’t, I made sure you had extra padding for your fragile little body.” Lexa pokes her arm and Clarke glares at her.

“I do not have a fragile little body.”

“Yes, you do, you bump something, and you get a big ugly bruise.”

“I bruise easy, that doesn’t mean I’m fragile.”

“I’m pretty sure it does.”

“Well we can’t all have superhero strength.”

“Not that I want to talk myself down, but I just like to run.” She shrugs as if it means nothing, but Clarke watched Lexa’s extreme regimen through high school. It calmed down a lot afterward, and maybe now she just runs, but the girl used to be a machine.

And with as much skin as Lexa has decided to show in front of her recently, she’s assuming she’s picked something more than running back up. Her arms alone are as toned as they were in high school. “You’ve seen your body right?”

Lexa smirks at her and she knows another weird comment is coming before she even makes it. “You’ve been looking?”

She sighs. “Oh my god shut up.” She brushes her hands through wet hair to try and avoid the knowledge that the comment seems to embarrass her.

“You’re a blanket hog.” Lexa picks her own argument.

“What do you need blankets for anyways you’re like a thousand degrees.”

“I’m warm blooded but it’s still winter, and your room is always cold.” Lexa seems to reason with her, tugging the blanket to wrap around her more.

“Whatever, you won’t stay on your side of the bed anyway.” The comment sounds oddly familiar of something Lexa had said to her previous. It’s interesting that she’s so willing to mention it when things are so weird, and she’s been trying her hardest to make them normal.

“I won’t stay on my side of the bed?” Lexa laughs as if Clarke just said the funniest thing in the world.

“You don’t know how to share anything.” Clarke mumbles stubbornly, crossing her arms along her chest as if to pout.

“I’m always sharing with you.” Lexa looks at her, eyes starting to droop. She’s exhausted which makes sense. She’s only been actually sleep since she got here, and the day was extremely busy.

Clarke wants to tell her it’s time they should sleep now but she knows Lexa won’t like it. “Because you’re practically forced too. You wouldn’t willingly.” Clarke looks at her but Lexa has looked away from her now.

A moment of quiet settles between them but the light remains on and they remain in a sitting position against the headboard of the bed. She’s almost scooting down the bed to go to sleep, thinking that the conversation has dropped off enough that she can when Lexa starts speaking again. “Costia said that about me too.” She whispers, fingers tangling together.

The mood grows even quieter. “Sorry.” Clarke feels like she has to say it for somehow reminding Lexa of her. She didn’t mean to, but than again she assumes Lexa is always thinking about her, at least in some way.

How could she not?

“It’s not true though.” Lexa smiles at her hands.

“You shared with her all the time.” Clarke smiles at her, encouraging because as far as she knows Lexa hasn’t spoken to anyone about her since it happened, at least not really anyways.

“No.” Lexa chuckles. “She used to get mad at me for sharing with you all the time.” A tired grin graces her pretty face and Clarke’s eyebrows furrow as she processes what she’s saying.

“We just established that you don’t willingly share with me.” She feels like she has to argue the point. Costia getting mad about her at Lexa? That doesn’t make sense. They’ve been fighting since they’ve known each other. Lexa and Costia weren’t like that. They were pretty back and forth but, relationship kind of back and forth.

Lexa and Clarke were considered rivals as much as they were considered family. “Sure.”

“If you do willingly share with me, wanna show me that notebook Aden was talking about?” It’s Clarke’s turn to grin as Lexa glares at her.

“I must have hit you with too many paintballs.” Lexa’s eyebrows furrow as she chuckles at her.

Clarke sighs, knowing it’s a losing battle at the moment. “I’m going to see it someday.” She says and she feels convinced that she will. If she doesn’t find it on her own, Lexa at some point, will show it to her. She actually doesn’t know why she hasn’t yet.

If Clarke gets anything, that’s art. “No, I promise, you won’t.” Lexa turns off the lamp on her side of the bed and slumps down into her pillows.

“Yes, I will.” Clarke says with a yawn.

“Not while I’m living.”

“Saying I’m gonna have to kill you?” Clarke chuckles into her own pillow.

Lexa has a responding chuckle. “Exactly.”

Clarke releases yet another yawn. “You’re ridiculous.”

Lexa mimics her. “Says you.”


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> make sure you check out the [social media au ](https://twitter.com/elizaatrash/status/1193980432464912384)  
for this chapter, as it kind of adds some more at the end that the chapter itself doesn't :)

Clarke is shivering, even as her entire body practically sits on top of her own. Her breath is shuddering and the hair on Lexa’s arms stand up as she adjusts to try and warm her, an instinct she can’t resist following through with when she’s barely conscious. She’s just as cold. It’s morning and it’s always cold in the morning but it’s never this cold in here. That’s how she knows the chill of the night has woken her up, because while they spent plenty of time bickering, they had forgotten to turn on the extra heater for the room. They’d be frozen solid if it wasn’t for insulation as Clarke’s room and the thermostats ability to heat it has never really worked.

She has to get up to turn it on, but she knows how difficult that is going to be with the way that Clarke is laying on her like she’s the bed. She grumbles in her sleep as Lexa rolls her over to her side, even sleeping Clarke is dramatic and Lexa swears she sees her shiver more.

She chuckles as she climbs out of bed to find the small remote to the heater and clicks it on when she picks it up from the table. She boosts it up a lot higher than they normally keep it and crawls back into the bed. If she was as dramatic as Clarke she’d be shivering as well but she doesn’t, she just pulls the blankets back around her and is quiet as Clarke rolls back over so she can be against her again.

Whether she’s awake or not Lexa can’t be sure, but she still says nothing. She tangles her fingers through the side of messy blonde hair and brushes it back as Clarke seeks the warmth from her body. Her nose is even cold as it brushes up against her neck.

Clarke sighs and the warmer it gets in the room the slower her shivering grows until she stops all together, still snuggled into her and probably sound asleep. It’s early morning, probably around the time the both of them should be getting up or at least Lexa should so she can run. But it’s so cold and Clarke needs the warmth and she feels… _safe_, even sort of relaxed.

She knows she hasn’t slept this regularly and this well since Costia. She doesn’t know what it is about mornings, but they always make her think of her. Costia was a morning person, so much so that she liked watching the sunrise every single day. Lexa misses doing that with her even if she wasn’t as big of a fan of getting up that early.

Now she gets up that early most of the time, normally because she can’t sleep hardly at all but in a way, mornings always help her feel slightly closer with her. She wonders if it will always feel like that, if years from now she’ll still wake up and feel like Costia is practically here in the mornings. If she’ll watch a sunrise and feel like she’s somehow communicating with her. Or if that will fade too, like her existence and all of her stuff and all the conversations she’s ever had and all of the things she’s ever done.

Clarke sighs in her sleep and distracts Lexa from those thoughts. She reaches out for her phone and spends some time scrolling through old photos and social media timelines before she feels herself grow tired enough, counting Clarke’s breathes so she can fall back to sleep as well, snuggled into her warmth and safe from the emotional storms that scratch at their bedroom window.

***

“God, it’s so fucking cold.” Clarke grunts as she sips the coffee in her hands knees up in the living room chair that she’s seated in. Her observation isn’t wrong, Lexa had opted to not run today after spending the night practically freezing. Today just feels colder, considering that it’s been snowing again since late last night.

Jake looks tired and cold as well as he enters into the living room, swinging his keys around in his hand. “Lex, do you want to head into the store and pick up Abby’s order for dinner?” Despite his face looking far more tired than usual he’s still got a warm fatherly smile on his face.

He's always got a positive attitude and Lexa will always admire that about him. “It’s that rich place off the west?” She clarifies as he nods in confirmation at her.

“Dad, it’s practically a blizzard out there, we can eat something else.” Clarke mumbles around the rim of her cup, eyes shooting between the two of them, his keys and the snow outside.

Jake shrugs as if her observation of the light storm is no big deal. “Lexa’s our safest driver.” The comment makes her smile because Jake trusts his truck with nobody, absolutely nobody. He doesn’t even let Clarke drive it, not that Clarke ever wants too, she hates vehicles that lift so high off the ground.

“It’s just down the road.” Lexa agrees as she takes the keys Jake is offering to his truck.

“And she’ll take the safest vehicle.” He assures though Lexa isn’t sure if it’s her safety that Clarke is actually worried about or if it’s the fact that she’s getting to drive his truck. Clarke gets jealous of her relationship with Jake, she often finds it amusing but she usually tries to do her best to not step in between them.

Often Jake just makes her miss her own father.

“She should wait at least tell this afternoon.” Clarke argues because she can.

Raven chuckles. “I think it’s going to snow all day Clarke.”

“Then no one should be leaving.”

“Relax, I’ll go now.” Lexa hands her cup of hot chocolate to Aden who had already guzzled his down. His face practically lights up like a Christmas tree as she hands it over to him and she smiles fondly at him as he guzzles it just the same.

“Careful Aden that’s hot.” Anya scolds as she goes to sit on the floor next to him in front of the fireplace.

“If you’re so worried go with her.” Jake encourages with a warm smile.

“I’m not worried.” Clarke scoffs. “I’m just saying. It’s snowing.” She gestures toward the window as if to better point out the significant amount of white that layers the ground, that has been layered on the ground since the beginning of winter.

“Excellent observational skills Clarke.” Raven chuckles and feigns fake hurt when Clarke smacks her shoulder.

“Actually Clarke, your father has a point. There’s a lot to pick up; Lexa will need help carrying it.” Anya says from her place beside Aden which gets Lexa’s attention because why is she keen on getting Clarke to go with her?

She eyes her carefully, but Anya doesn’t meet her gaze and seems to focus more on Aden than anyone else in the room. “Abby did tell you to take Kane with you.” Octavia informs the group as she sits down beside Raven on the sofa.

Clarke sighs. “Yeah so Lexa can take Marcus.”

“Kane had an emergency at work.” Jake shrugs and Lexa can tell that he seems happy to not have the man around. He doesn’t like him much, and she can’t really blame him. He seems a bit too flirty with Abby, hell, Abby seems a bit too flirty with him. It’s probably incredibly uncomfortable.

Lexa tries not to think about Bellamy as that thought crosses her mind, and how thankful she is to not be seeing him right now. “I’m the safest driver. Let’s go Clarke.” Lexa’s pulling on her snow boots as Clarke pulls herself from the chair.

“I don’t want to, it’s cold and with her.” She protests and Lexa rolls her eyes.

“Would you just shut up and go get your coat.” She can see Anya studying her as she says it but it’s her turn to not meet the girl’s gaze. She can admit that spending time with Clarke, as much time as she can, sounds pleasing to her and she knows how easily Anya will be able to read that if she meets her eyes right now, so she doesn’t.

Clarke pouts at her before sighing in defeat and running up the stairs to grab her coat and snow boots. “Where’s your coat?” Anya asks as she walks over to her.

“Here.” Lexa answers stiffly, pulling the coat from off the hook by the door.

She’s carefully examining her, almost as if she could be Aden’s age. Sometimes Anya’s motherly instinct is far stronger than her sisterly one. “You’re feeling okay to drive?”

Lexa groans. “God Anya.”

“I have to check; you don’t talk to me.” She argues back and Lexa is sure she must think she’s being reasonable but she’s so sick of the constant checkups. If she wanted to talk about it she would, but no one seems to care about what she wants.

“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine. I’m fine to drive, I’m fine to take Clarke with me, I’m fine.” Her tone is heavy and stern.

Her sister doesn’t flinch. “Okay.” Anya sighs. “But you’re yelling at me.”

Lexa brushes her hands through her hair, the stress beginning to form at her temple. “Because you never listen.”

“Hey.” Clarke touches Lexa’s elbow. “She’s just looking out for you.” Lexa stares at her a moment, unsure when she had bounced her way back down the stairs.

She’s surprised by how calming her touch is. “Are you ready to go?” She asks instead of addressing the slowly build tension that sits in the room with them.

She knows she’s clenching her jaw, less because she can feel herself doing it and more because she can see Clarke watching her do it. “Yeah.” She answers softly.

She pulls the front door open without saying anything else and steps out into the winter snow, white and pretty. She’d admire it if her irritation wasn’t so potent at the moment. But the further she gets from inside the house the better she feels, despite how cold she is.

She isn’t sure if Clarke is following her until she hears her exaggerated steps trudging through the snow and her gruffly sighs as if she’s out here completely against her will. She wishes sometimes that they would just quit it. That they’d stop pretending like going somewhere together is so much work, or maybe Lexa is alone in thinking that it isn’t.

She can’t be sure and thinking about it right now is only going to worsen her mood.

“You better not kill us today.”

“Safest driver you’ll ever meet Griffin.” Lexa smiles at her, barely and Clarke grumbles as she walks around the truck to climb into the passenger seat after Lexa unlocks it.

There’s a slight bit of quiet as Clarke struggles to get comfortable in the passenger seat. “How long is this going to take?” She finally asks dramatically, buckling her seat belt.

“Long enough that we’ll probably want to eat and because I’m driving, we’re not going back to that pizza place, it was gross.” No, it wasn’t, the mushrooms weren’t great but Lexa hates mushrooms. The pizza itself was alright.

“You ate most of the pizza last time, yeah right you thought it was gross you liar.” Clarke scoffs as if Lexa is the most annoying person on the planet.

It amuses her and she can feel her negative mood lifting the further they get from the house. “You have terrible taste in restaurants.”

“No, I don’t, you’re just complaining to complain. Is it not enough you’ve dragged me out in this weather? It’s freezing turn the heater on.”

“You do it, I’m driving.” Clarke rolls her eyes as she does just that, crossing her arms along her chest and pouting as they drive off to the most expensive store in the neighborhood.

***

Lexa got the order awhile ago but now they pace throughout the extra aisles in the place as Clarke looks for specific condiments they’re running low on and is dead set on getting some kind of dessert as well, despite Lexa explaining that they don’t need dessert every single night at the end of every dinner.

Clarke is as stubborn and determined with extra grocery shopping as she is with anything else in life. She spends most of their time together just watching her, mostly because she can’t help it. Something about Clarke, about everything that’s happened to her, about the way things are right now that just has her wanting to sputter out things she never says out loud.

Like she likes the way Clarke’s wearing her hair today, or that the sweater she’s wearing is the same one Costia got her three years ago for her birthday though Lexa helped her pick it out. The longer they spend shopping, quiet settled between them, the harder it gets for Lexa’s tongue to stay glued to the roof of her mouth.

She thinks she could cry just watching Clarke reach for something on a shelf too high for her. She doesn’t know why she has to be so emotional today, it’s not her favorite thing to be and the last thing her and Clarke need to do is talk about her feelings. She’s been spending months trying to avoid conversations like that… so why does she suddenly want to have one with Clarke?

Clarke looks over at her and she quickly looks away in attempt to not get caught having been staring. She grabs a bottle of ranch that she ends up looking at in order to seem as if she wasn’t doing anything. At that, Clarke scoffs because why wouldn’t she. “Ranch really?”

Lexa’s brows furrow together at the reaction, meeting Clarke’s gaze with confusion in her own eyes. “We need salad dressing.”

“And you choose ranch, the most generic dressing there is?” Clarke mocks and Lexa wonders if she had grabbed anything else if Clarke would have said the same thing or at least found something to say about it. She probably would have, because that what they do when they’re together. It will probably never be any different.

Though to argue about ranch is amusing as Lexa is well aware that Clarke likes ranch, she eats it with her pizza. “What would you rather we get?”

“It’s fine.” She answers as if she’s still protesting the decision and begins to walk away from her. Lexa chuckles and chases after her as they turn a corner toward the freezer aisle. “Should we get ice cream?” She may phrase it as a question, but Lexa is well aware of Clarke’s obsession with a frozen treat.

“You’ve been complaining about the cold all damn morning and now you want to get ice cream?” She questions still amused at Clarke’s general personality. She’s consistently charming, she doesn’t believe there’s a thing about Clarke that isn’t.

“It’s for dessert!” Clarke pouts slightly and Lexa rolls her eyes.

“What kind do you want?” Of course she gives because why wouldn’t she? It is Clarke after all, and if anyone were to actually observe them, they’d notice that Lexa is often giving into Clarke more so than not.

“Let’s get that really chocolatey one, with like the brownies in it.” Clarkes hands move in a motion as if she’s painting the picture of the exact ice cream in front of them and Lexa always finds it cute when she tries to draw the things she’s talking about with her hands.

She wonders if Clarke even notices that she does it. “Ugh, really.”

“You like chocolate!” She exclaims in horror at Lexa’s protest.

“I puked on that ice cream last year.” That’s not a lie either, the thought of eating that very same ice cream turns her stomach. She is well aware that she’d still grab it if it was what Clarke really wanted but she doesn’t need to know that.

“You puked from all the wine, not the ice cream. I warned you, you were drinking too much of it.” Clarke tuts at her like she’s a child.

“I was fine.” No, she wasn’t.

“Sure, say that to me, but I was the one holding your hair back.”

Lexa remembers that vaguely. It’s something Costia had spoken with her about late into an evening. Why she had spent all that time with Clarke, drinking wine and letting Clarke be near her. They had, had a huge fight before that evening but she hadn’t examined it than, why Clarke was her go to person for comfort. Now perhaps she understands it a lot more, and she knows Costia understood it far before she did. But back then, it was just something they did. “How nice of you.” Lexa pulls the freezer door open. “To hold my hair back, must like me a little bit.”

She knows she keeps flirting with her because Clarke practically stumbles every single time, she does it. It’s adorable, not a reaction she was often expecting but since she learned it she’s been abusing it. “I don’t like you at all, I’m just nice.”

“You, nice?” Lexa chuckles.

Clarke squeaks in offense. “You’re so irritating, can we go yet?”

“We should go shopping downtown actually, I need to get Raven something still.”

Clarke groans at that and shakes her head, gripping onto the cart to pull it to a stop and meeting Lexa’s eyes. “No Lexa, you are not dragging me out all day.”

“What, do you have a more important event besides sitting on the couch and watching Christmas movies?” She quirks a brow at the blonde who glares at her in response.

“They were talking about doing the tree.” They won’t do it without them, both she and Clarke know that.

“Decorating the tree isn’t even something you like doing that much.”

“It’s a family event Lexa.”

“Shut up. We’re going shopping,” She pushes the cart forward again, ignoring Clarke who grumbles behind her as she moves. “What’s the name of that store that Raven really likes at the end of town?”

“The end of town!? It’s snowing, did you forget that!?”

“I did not.” Lexa pulls the cart to a stop to look at Clarke and offers up a wink. “You happen to be in very safe and protective hands Clarke.”

Clarke’s glare forms and grows strong. Lexa loves it. “I can’t stand you.”

“What’s the name of it?” Lexa asks as she moves to the one cashier open in the store.

“I don’t know, something to do with some space thing.” Clarke waves her hands vaguely around, again as if she’s trying to draw a picture of her words.

Lexa can’t help but smile at her in amusement. “Raven’s wrong about you being observant.”

“It’s not like I can remember, the name is complicated. I know where it is though.”

“Well than you’re the map.”

“Whatever.”

***

“Do you want to be nice to me today and get no mushrooms?” Lexa asks innocently as she taps her menu against the table while Clarke studies hers very extremely closely.

“No.” She says unforgivingly.

Lexa honestly doesn’t think she can handle picking them off another pizza. “Please?” She asks softly, scooting closer to Clarke and watching the way her grip on her menu seems to tighten.

“You really don’t understand the concept of personal space, do you?” Clarke sasses and scoots away from her slightly but not far, not really at all if Lexa’s honest.

Lexa scoots closer. “What are you going to get?” Lexa breathes as she peers over her shoulder and Clarke rolls her eyes, grip on the menu growing even tighter.

Sometimes Lexa would kill to know what’s going on inside of her head. “Get your own pizza, we don’t have to share.”

“That’s impractical.” Lexa’s hair seems to get in the way and tickles at Clarke because she pushes it back and the only reason that Lexa could think that Clarke would touch her hair like that is because it’s bothering her.

She tries to ignore the way her own heart stutters at the contact. “You just want to whine about mushrooms.” Clarke says softly, a lot softer than her normal tone almost as if she’s distracted. Lexa looks at her to see that she hasn’t upset her somehow and stops breathing a moment as Clarke’s eyes seem to be studying her closely, like she does when she’s looking at art.

Lexa’s not looked at like that by her very often. Only in very quiet separate moments where they’re alone and won’t even speak of the energy between them. But now they sit in a public restaurant and Clarke’s looking at her like that and she thinks about telling her, she thinks about telling her how she feels when she wakes up and Clarke is there. How she feels when Clarke bickers with her, how much she appreciates her doing her best to be normal with her even though she can see it in her eyes sometimes. She’s just as worried about her as anyone else.

She thinks about confessing every thought she’s ever had about Clarke. “No mushrooms.” Lexa pouts for good measure and Clarke rolls her eyes but she can tell she’s giving in, at least this time.

_She’s kind of adorable_. “Fine.” She sighs as if the one simple word physically pains her to say. “But that doesn’t mean you win; it just means I’m being nice and pitying you.” She closes her menu and pushes it away from her, though her mind and her eyes seem distracted on Lexa.

“Okay.” Lexa says in an overly happy tone that makes Clarke scoff.

“You guys know what you want?” The waiter asks and Clarke gives him the answer like it’s painful. He walks off and tells them their food will be out in a moment and Clarke tries to shove her backward to gain some leverage.

“Personal space Lexa.” She grumbles but her tone is still soft, almost as if it’s lost somewhere in all the distractions inside of her head.

“Why, making you nervous?” Lexa teases as she rests her elbow on the table to place her head in her hand to keep herself propped up to stare at Clarke.

Blue eyes glare at her but they’re so pretty that Lexa doesn’t really care. They hold a lot more than just a glare and Lexa thinks she could get used to this, get used to Clarke maybe liking a little bit more than she’d care to admit. “I can’t stand you, have I said that before?”

Lexa pretends to think about it a moment. “I don’t think so.”

“Well I really can’t.”

She chuckles at the blonde’s expense. “No, you don’t. Admit it, you like me.” She teases further, poking a finger into Clarke’s thigh who glares at her again and rubs over the place Lexa had touched her with her own palm, as if to wash her touch away.

“I could never like you.” She lies.

“I’ll tickle you tell you admit it.”

“Lexa, I swear to god you know how much I hate that.”

“I’ll do it.” She’s not going to; Clarke hates it too much for her to actually do it and she respects Clarke far too much to do something she despises.

“I will literally make them make a pizza out of mushrooms if you touch me.” Clarke smacks her hands away as she teases her with the possibility of being tickled even though she’s well aware she won’t be doing that to her.

She’s just about to stop when a passerby mutters an offensive slur toward them as he’s walking by and it eliminates Lexa’s good mood almost immediately. She thinks Clarke must see it but not quick enough to stop her from getting out of her seat.

“What did you say?” She asks confrontationally but the person doesn’t stop to acknowledge her. Lexa’s about ready to kick his ass but Clarke is grabbing her hand and trying to pull her back down.

“Lex, it’s okay.” Her voice is softer than any other tone she’s ever heard but her mind is too distracted to really notice it as much as she would otherwise.

“No, it’s not.” She can feel Clarke’s fingers on her jaw, and it makes her look at her.

“It’s okay, I’m okay, it’s not worth it. Let’s just have lunch okay. We can go home after. It’s okay.” Lexa is shaking again; she knows she keeps getting irrationally angry, but she doesn’t feel this time that she’s being too irrational.

She listens to Clarke anyways, sitting back down beside her and letting Clarke hold her hand. She watches her as if she’s a ticking time bomb and Lexa can’t stop clenching her jaw because the anger fuels in her veins and all she’d like to do is stand up to someone, to something for once.

“Should I order a side of mushrooms to distract you?” Clarke asks in an attempt to lighten the mood back to what it was, but her attempt isn’t as strong as she probably wishes it was.

Lexa lets go of Clarke’s hand and puts the distance that had originally been between them back. She’s thankful when the pizza comes and listens to Clarke’s terrible jokes as they eat.

***

The ride is the kind of quiet that Lexa dreads in nearly every social situation that she’s been in the last 8 months. It’s uncomfortable and riddled with hesitation and empathetic looks from her passenger. Clarke herself must feel the stifling air because her constant fidgeting seems to do nothing to lighten the mood.

Lexa knows she should say something, reassure Clarke that she’s perfectly fine. Maybe apologize for being so aggressive earlier, maybe thank her for trying to keep her calm and cheer her up, but she can’t say anything. Her throat feels as tight as the grip she squeezes against the steering wheel of the truck as she drives.

She says nothing and neither does Clarke as she pulls into the driveway carefully, up and around and out of the way where Jake likes his truck to be parked. She pulls the keys out of the ignition and listens to the engine die. She watches the snow fall onto the warm lid of the car and melt the moment it makes contact.

She doesn’t notice that Clarke is watching her watch the snow. Not until the woman clears her throat still sitting in the seat beside her. Who knows how long they’ve been sitting in the car quietly after she’s already parked it but Clarke doesn’t seem to want to exit until she does so herself. Lexa thinks that’s sweet of her, and if she weren’t feeling a hundred things at once she’d maybe thank her for that as well.

“I know how much you hate this question Lexa, but are you okay?” It’s not the question that makes her jaw clench. It’s the memories that she can’t get out of her head, it’s the stupid guy at the pizza place who couldn’t keep his mouth shut as he passed them, it’s the hundred million times her own sister has asked her that in the last few months. It’s the hundred million times Lexa had reassured that to a girl who wasn’t going to be okay.

“I’m fine Clarke.” Lexa squeezes the steering wheel again, feeling the emotions building and piling the way they’ve been doing since she got here.

“You realize it’s okay to not be fine.”

“I know, but I said I’m fine which means I’m fine so drop it.” She lets go of the steering wheel as she snaps, her tone entirely too harsh for someone just checking on her. She feels bad the moment the words leave her. Clarke is silent for a long time, but she still doesn’t leave her. She should, Lexa knows she’d deserve it. “I can handle some stupid comment from some stupid guy.” Lexa says a lot calmer, tone softening as she leans back in the driver seat she’s yet to vacate.

“I know.” Clarke answers with just as much empathy as she can muster and it’s something else Lexa knows she doesn’t deserve, not really.

“I’m not weak.” She mutters and it’s almost a whisper. If they were anywhere else with even the slightest bit of noise perhaps Clarke wouldn’t have even been able to hear her say it. Maybe she’d have preferred she didn’t.

And yet, she still said it anyway.

“I’ve never once in all the frustrating years of knowing you, seen you as weak.” Clarke is a gentle person at heart. She wishes to comfort her because Clarke’s that kind of person, but Lexa isn’t sure that anyone can comfort her.

She can still feel the way her soft spot for the blonde begins to open her up and how tired she is of constantly trying to act fine when she doesn’t really feel that way. “I feel weak, all the time.” She despises the amount of emotion that seeps into her voice at the confession. She can see Clarke watching her carefully from her peripheral vision but refuses to look at her as well. “Not being able to kick that guys ass didn’t help.” Lexa smiles slightly at how silly it sounds, and Clarke releases a soft snort in response.

“I don’t think kicking his ass, which you definitely could have by the way, would have made you feel better. It wasn’t about him.” Clarke adjusts in her uncomfortable seat and Lexa finally looks at her.

She’s too pretty and too good, Lexa can feel the slight thump of her own heartbeat when Clarke reaches out her hand to lightly tap her fingers against Lexa’s thigh as if to offer all the comforts of a hug with the simple small touch. “I can’t even talk about it.” She admits softly and Clarke knows what she’s talking about.

She gives her one empathetic smile before she speaks. “The only weak thing about you Lex, is your baking skills.” She smiles teasingly and Lexa feels her heart starting to relax. “You’ll talk when you’re ready, if that takes 20 years than… it takes 20 years, but you know what?” Clarke’s light touch moves to grab one of her hands and Lexa lets herself fall into the comfort of the action. “I’m still going to make fun of you for crying.”

“Thank god.” Lexa smiles, a chuckle escaping her. She misses Clarke’s touch as she pulls her hand away. “Thanks Clarke.” She whispers.

The blonde smirks. “I’m going to remember you said that to me and hold it against you for the rest of your life. Be prepared.” Lexa rolls her eyes, but she can feel a weight that’s been laying on her chest grow slightly lighter.

“Let’s get out of this car because I’m starting to freeze.” Lexa says with a soft chuckle and pushes the car door open.

“Not that I don’t agree, but I don’t know how it’s possible for you to feel even slightly cold, your skin is constantly on fire.”

“I’m just warm-blooded.”

“You’re a human heater.”

“You don’t really complain about that at night.” Lexa teases boldly and feels an odd sort of satisfaction at the way Clarke drops one of the bags she had picked up into the snow.

She’s thankful it’s Raven’s gift, which is wrapped up and solid and not the food. “I literally hate you.” She grunts, picking up the bag and Lexa decides to save the rest of the teasing for a little later.

***

Clarke has been incredibly confused by the entire day’s events. Maybe she shouldn’t be, but things have been… odd with Lexa since she got home. Slightly different from their average routine and of course, everything she’s been through can easily be the reasons but… for some reason it feels like more than that.

It’s felt like more than that since Clarke oddly can’t stop watching the way Lexa moves when she’s doing things and can’t keep her eyes off the noticeable art littered along her body. She has also been stuck watching her the entirety of dinner preparations. She should be in the living room, playing video games with Raven and Aden, or at least watching like Anya is doing but instead she’s in the kitchen with her father and Lexa and her mother and Bellamy who keeps saying things to her but she can’t pay attention.

She couldn’t, for the life of her, ever explain why she’s so diligently watching the way Lexa’s cutting up vegetables that her father hands over to her. She can’t even explain why she feels so happy each time her father makes her smile. Maybe it’s because she knows she’s having such a hard time dealing with all the things she’s feeling.

Maybe it’s more than that and she’s not ready to address it yet.

What she’s certain of as they’re setting the table is that Bellamy is starting to annoy her. He’s made the same joke in the last thirty seconds in an attempt to make her laugh at it she supposes but she figured he’d have stopped trying when she wasn’t responding the first time. Though she’s almost certain he’s not doing it because he wants her to laugh, she thinks maybe he’s antagonizing Lexa, who has offered up a glare in their general direction more than seven times in the last thirteen minutes.

They normally have family game night before dinner, but tonight’s game is played after and because Bellamy had stolen Lexa’s place beside Clarke at the dinner table, she sat across from her with a clenched jaw and an angry look toward him at every chance. If there’s one thing Clarke has learned over her time this holiday, it’s that Lexa really can’t stand him.

She can tell when Lexa’s agitated because it becomes audible the moment Bellamy chooses to sit next to Clarke as their father sets up a game of Betrayal of the House on the Hill. She even sets down her glass aggressively and it has Anya muttering Lexa’s least favorite question in her ear, which only serves to worsen her mood.

Clarke is tempted to squeeze right between Raven and Lexa, where there’s no room for her, and find some way to relax her. After the pizza place, she’s sure Lexa’s energy is not in a good place. She’s practically ready to offer to take her for a walk in the snow and skip out on the family game, but her father is already beginning with the rules and their makeshift teams.

She’s worried about her. That doesn’t go away as the game carries on, but the more frustrated Lexa grows the more antagonistic she gets with Bellamy as well and Clarke knows it’s not a good thing. She knows it’ll only worsen her mood and serve to ruin the night. So, it takes one more comment after Bellamy takes his move, which leads to a bad outcome, her snorting at his misfortune and him telling her to shut the fuck up that actually allows Clarke to butt in.

“Can you both just chill?” Clarke asks and maybe it’s the wrong thing to say because Lexa’s jaw continues to clench in that way that almost looks painful, despite how defined it makes her jaw look.

That’s another thing Clarke has learned over this holiday, Lexa’s jaw is… _gorgeous_. “You hear her right; she won’t leave me alone.” Bellamy sounds like a ten year old boy tattle telling on an older sibling.

“I’m not fucking doing anything.” Lexa’s aggravation sets the air in the room to uncomfortably quiet, which doesn’t help her at all.

“Lex,” Clarke wants to say something that will help her calm down, but she again is stumped as to what the right thing will be.

“Oh my god.” The table gets really quiet as Lexa stands up.

She can feel panic rise in her chest, as if the implication of Lexa possibly leaving early is too much to bear. She doesn’t want to think about why it stresses her out so much. “Where are you going?”

“I’m leaving because god forbid someone talk down to your boyfriend right Clarke?” Lexa’s anger is palpable and leaves Clarke with so much confusion that it serves to distract her efforts for a significant number of seconds.

“We’re not-”

“When you’re being an asshole.” Bellamy interrupts and Clarke thinks he scoots closer to her.

“Bell, shut up.” Octavia speaks up and Lexa is quickly exiting the living room as fast as possible and Clarke fumbles over herself to chase after her as almost everyone sits awkwardly, quietly watching the scene unfold.

“Lexa, don’t leave, I’m sorry.” She doesn’t even know why she should be sorry; she just knows Lexa can’t go outside alone with how the weather has been. In fact, Clarke thinks Lexa being alone at all right now actually isn’t a good thing.

“What are you sorry for Clarke?” Her tone is harsh, but her eyes… her eyes look the same as they did in the truck, like the tears are about to escape them even though she’s begging them not too. What would Lexa even do if she were to cry right now? How would she even handle it? Probably not any better than she’s handling her emotions right now.

“I don’t know, just stay.” She practically is pleading, and Clarke thinks for a moment she’s gotten through to her because Lexa’s teary eyes soften as they look into her own, but than they look behind her and they harden up again and Clarke knows she’s losing.

“I don’t want too.” She steps closer to her, so close that Clarke can feel the heat radiating from off her body. “Have fun.” She says and it sounds cold and insincere.

“Stop acting like this.” Clarke begs and wants to reach out and touch her, hold her hands, do anything to help her.

Lexa’s moods are so hard to follow. “Like what?” Why does the question sound like a test?

“Like…” She wants to reach for her, but she doesn’t know what she’d do, what she should say.

“I’m tired of being looked at like that.” Lexa steps back from her and straps up her coat.

“So, what, you’re just going to go out there in a fucking snowstorm? It’s irrational.” Clarke’s own frustration begins to flare up because she can’t stand feeling this helpless while someone that means something to her seems to be suffering so much.

“God just…” Lexa pulls the door open and Clarke is hit with a waft of cold air. “Leave me alone Clarke. Go play games with Bellamy, it’s what you want.”

“What I want is for you to stay. I’ll get him to stop, I’ll-”

“I don’t want to be here.” Lexa steps out of the door and swings it shut behind her and Clarke doesn’t understand why she feels so much with her words. Like Lexa is walking out of her whole entire life when in reality all she’s trying to do is calm herself down because Bellamy seems to push every last nerve ending that Lexa has.

When she opens the door again, she’s watching Jake’s truck exit the driveway and she wishes she had been smart enough to pull on all her winter gear and follow her immediately. She feels responsible but she doesn’t know what Lexa needs, she doesn’t know how to help her feel better. She doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do.

She just knows she wishes she could do something.


	5. Chapter Five

Clarke couldn’t explain why she was so worried. Well she could but she couldn’t completely. It’s like an amplified version of that first night back when Lexa was so late. She’s out there again, in the cold dark night, anything could happen to her. It does nothing but stress her out the longer she thinks about it, but she can’t help but think about it. It keeps her up well past midnight, tossing and turning and checking her phone just in case she calls her or answers her ten unseen text messages.

But Lexa hasn’t said a damn thing, maybe she hasn’t even looked at her damn phone and it’s making Clarke insane. She feels like she should have done something more, but she isn’t sure what Lexa wants, she’s not even sure what she needs and the only solution she can think of is that maybe all this desire that things be normal for Lexa are meaningless. If she comes home safe Clarke isn’t going to do it anymore, even if Lexa gets mad at her for it.

It's around 3 A.M. when she hears the front door open downstairs and finds herself sitting up in bed barely breathing as if that will help her hear her better. Lexa is not exactly being quiet though, it sounds like she drops something rather loudly and she can hear her playing with something that’s jingles together, maybe keys. She’s even rather loud as she comes up the stairs.

Clarke couldn’t explain it, but she decided to pretend to be asleep. Maybe she was scared, she didn’t know what kind of mood Lexa was going to be in when she came into the room and the last thing that she wanted was for her to runaway into the snow again. So, she laid there quietly, hardly breathing as Lexa pushed the bedroom door open.

She wanted to open her eyes and see her and check that she was okay and see her face and tell her she was stupid. _Stupid_ for leaving in a snowstorm and scaring her to death but she did none of that. She instead lay there quietly, too quietly, and waited hardly relaxing even as Lexa fell into the bed after stumbling around the room for a few minutes, probably taking off shoes and changing.

She was so cold, every single part of her skin that came into contact with Clarke and it made the blonde shiver, but a pressure was releasing in her chest that had been stable since Lexa had left the house in her pain. She was home now, in bed, maybe smelling a little of alcohol, but she was safe and that much was comforting.

Her arms tangle around her without hesitation and the pressure releases more as she’s grateful for Lexa seeking her comfort, she grateful she’s home with her and not dying in a ditch somewhere. “I’m sorry.” She mumbles softly but it sounds so pained and rough, maybe she’s been crying. Clarke wants to scold her and reassure her at the same time. She wants to say something, anything, but all she does is squeeze her hands around Lexa’s arms that are tangled around her and shivers again as Lexa skims her nose against her neck.

Clarke doesn’t realize how tightly she’s holding onto Lexa’s arms, but she does pay attention to the warmer Lexa gets as she lays against her. She listens to her breaths even out slowly as time passes even though she says nothing. She knows when she falls asleep, she can feel the pattern of her heartbeat against her back slow and for the first time in hours Clarke feels like she can breathe again. Every single muscle in her body finally relaxes and she could cry from the relief she feels.

She’ll do anything to make Lexa feel better, anything to make sure she never feels like she has to storm out of the house again. Anya was right, she needs something gentler, she’s so upset but is trying so hard to hide it. Clarke just wants to make her feel safe, Clarke wants… to make her happy.

Maybe that’s something that shouldn’t surprise her, but it does. These feelings aren’t new but how Clarke wants to look at them is, how Clarke wants to accept them is.

She falls asleep thinking about it, and she dreams about it and she doesn’t let Lexa go, not even a little bit through the rest of the night, afraid, even in her sleep, that she’ll disappear forever if she does.

***

Clarke has slept terribly and barely at all. It’s seven in the morning and she lies here, awake, staring at Lexa’s sleeping face. She doesn’t know what it is about mornings that normally has Lexa up, maybe just the nightmares, but this morning she’s perfectly out. Clarke’s fingers itch to trace her jaw and touch her hair and check for scratches from any possible injuries she could have obtained last night, but she reframes.

She only watches her breathe and it makes her heart ache.

She’s certainly never felt it do this before, but Lexa’s been doing weird things to her heart since she got here and she doesn’t feel like she has time to think about it but… she can’t help it when the room is so quiet and Lexa is still dreaming so she can’t be caught. She’s so thankful she came home but what can Clarke do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?

_What does Lexa want?_

She thinks about all the things she said yesterday about feeling weak and she thinks about how she can tell her she isn’t a hundred times but it’s not going to help unless there’s some way she can make Lexa feel stronger. But how does she do that?

Lexa is dreaming deeply but not deep enough to let Clarke go so even if she had wanted to get up, she’d feel incredibly guilty about it. She doesn’t want to wake her. She’s much warmer than she was when she entered the bed last night and Clarke finds herself practically praying that she doesn’t catch a cold or something.

If she does… she’ll take care of her.

It’s not just pity, but she doesn’t know how she can get Lexa to see that if she changes the way she approaches her. Lexa will see it as pity and feel weaker. It’s not pity though, it’s empathy and… so much more than that.

_God, how did this happen?_

All they’ve done the entire span of knowing each other is bicker about everything. They’re practically opposites, they hardly have anything in common and yet… Clarke knows exactly what this feeling means, what it implies. She can’t identify how long it’s been here, if its new or if it’s always been, she just knows what it is right now, in this moment, as she watches her sleep.

She can feel it in the way her heart feels like its expanding to be too big for her chest. But she knows that what she’s feeling isn’t what Lexa needs right now, she has no space for this, to deal with this. Who knows how she feels about her in return, she doubts Lexa has any time to think about it with the way she has been grieving for Costia and missing her so dearly.

But Clarke will take care of her, she’ll do _anything_.

She sits, watches Lexa sleep for a little longer and then climbs out of bed trying to ignore her own heart as Lexa delicately clings to the pillow her own head had been on. She looks so young and unbothered when she’s sleeping. Clarke doesn’t know how much she may have drank but she’s sure to grab her some medicine and make sure the water bottle she had grabbed last night is untouched so she can have it when she wakes. She hopes Lexa didn’t drive home if it was too much, and if she did, the idiot is lucky she’s home.

Clarke can’t think about it though, it’ll just make her crazy when she can relax for now because she’s safe. For now, she is absolutely safe.

She itches to climb back into the bed until Lexa wakes and not leave her, but she doesn’t. She leaves instead, feeling her heart long for the sleeping girl like she’s never going to see her again when she’s just going downstairs. She tries to ignore the new heavy feeling of yearning as she walks downstairs. She’s surprised by how quiet it is, as nobody seems to be up, and she doesn’t know if she’s thankful for that or disappointed that nobody can distract her from this new overwhelming sensation.

She walks through the dining room to head to the kitchen to make some coffee but stops at the noticeable paper bags on the table, Lexa’s messy handwriting scrawled across a piece of paper with her name on it. She grabs it but tips open the bag first to find the baked goods in it, her favorite kinds.

Lexa didn’t write a note on the inside of the paper, just a small doodle of a cartoon Clarke eating pastries and it makes her giggle, folding up the paper and placing it in the pocket of her sweatpants.

Coffee can wait, she’s got a gift to pick up from the store.

She’s sure to pull out a pastry before heading back upstairs to change for the cold outside.

***

Clarke’s so glad she had asked the store clerk to wrap her gift and protect it before she had gotten home because Aden is running back and forth between rooms with Jake having a squirt gun fight that Abby keeps yelling at them for, and Raven, Luna and Bellamy seem to be arguing about a superhero, or multiple superheroes? Clarke doesn’t know, she just knows they look heated about it while Octavia looks annoyed as Clarke is gently pushing the gift behind the tree.

Octavia rolls her eyes at her to emphasis how annoying she finds them, and Clarke can’t help but laugh at her friend as she leaves to enter the kitchen. Lexa is in there, awake and not looking miserable as she does a puzzle with Anya… they would do puzzles, Lexa’s a secret old lady.

“Good morning Clarke, where did you go so early?” Kane greets her where he’s seated at the table, reading the newspaper it looks like and she figures her father wouldn’t like how domestic he seems in their home. He’s really not fond of the man.

“Just had something to pick up.” She answers distractedly, smiling at Lexa when she looks up at the sound of her name.

She’s so pretty, even when she looks so tired. “You wanna help us with this puzzle Clarke?” Anya asks as her eyes seem to examine Lexa a minute before she even looks to meet Clarke answering gaze.

Clarke chuckles and shakes her head. “No thanks, I’m 26, not 50.”

Lexa pouts but its playful and the look is familiar enough that it helps ease Clarke to know that she’s calm right now. “Plus, you have to help me with the Christmas baking, which everyone should be doing!” Abby yells the last part to reach it across the house, though Clarke isn’t sure why she bothers. She doesn’t like it when everyone tries to help, she gets grumpy about what they’re doing because they’re always doing something wrong.

But Clarke likes baking so she wouldn’t mind helping. “We made cookies this morning!” Aden squeals as he comes running into the room, practically sprinting into the kitchen until Abby and Anya scold him for running at the same time. “See Clarke!” He comes running back out, ignoring them because of his excitement at showing Clarke a frosted cookie with a sun he had frosted on it. “This one is yours because your pretty.” He bats his eyelashes innocently up at her and she knows there’s another reason but he’s too cute to be mad at.

“Oh,” Clarke chuckles. “Thanks buddy.” She ruffles his hair and he beams brightly up at her.

“Tell her the real reason that’s for her.” Lexa says as she fits a puzzle piece in calmly. Her and Anya look like they’ve been working on it for hours, but Clarke knows Lexa well enough by now to know it’s probably been thirty minutes and the progress is just due to Lexa’s organized brain.

Aden pouts for a moment and almost looks like he’s going to be defiant but eventually speaks up in defeat. “I ate one of your donuts.” He says as if he’s ashamed of himself, looking down at the floor with utter devastation.

It’s far too overdramatic, just like his sister. Sometimes Aden knows how cute he is and tries to use it to his advantage. “Oh that’s okay.” Clarke ruffles his hair again as he runs back into the kitchen hoping Abby will let him bake more.

Clarke’s almost embarrassed to say that it always works on her. “So did you help bake cookies Woods, I need to know which ones to avoid.” Clarke teases slightly and Lexa smiles at her and playfully rolls her eyes and Clarke heart is back too… because fucking weird and she knows she’s going to get annoyed by it by the end of this trip because she’s sure it’s not going away any time soon.

***

Abby insists that everyone bakes something, which seems to bring a miserable look across Lexa’s face that only eases when Jake puts them in pairs and inevitable places Lexa as Clarke’s partner. Normally they’d both resist it, at least they’d bicker and pretend they hate it because that’s what they do but Lexa doesn’t seem to want to pretend and Clarke’s heart still feels too big for her chest to bother.

“You’ll make sure this doesn’t come out bad right?” Lexa asks softly near her, looking slightly vulnerable and Clarke can’t help but smile at her. She tries to ignore how similar Aden’s sad face looks to Lexa’s, and to also ignore the way Anya seems to be watching them, far too closely, almost as if she can see Clarke’s heart acting like a lunatic.

She wouldn’t even know how to explain, she really hopes Anya isn’t as observant as she always seems to be. “Asking me for help?” She says playfully, insistent that they’re normal interactions don’t completely fall down the drain. Besides she loves teasing Lexa and Lexa loves teasing her.

“No!” Lexa says as if she’s horrified at the implication of needing help from anyone.

Lexa has never quite gotten the hang of backing. She can practically cook anything really, but when it comes to any sort of baked good the girl suffers greatly. Clarke just thinks… it’s kind of cute. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you.” Clarke winks at her and Lexa rolls her eyes but she’s smiling and that’s all Clarke really cares about today.

The kitchen is too busy, but Clarke is distracted helping Lexa with her cookies to really notice, brushing against her when it’s really not necessary. Lexa isn’t much for the baking part, it even seems to bore her so when Clarke tells her to decorate her cookies after they put Lexa’s in the oven she practically lights up at that recommendation.

Lexa’s secret artistic talents pop out during this activity.

She’s so precise about it as well, Clarke can’t help but watch her be so careful with her designs. She also can’t help from messing with her, slightly bumping her to make her fumble. She squeaks in protest the first time Clarke does it and yells at her when Clarke takes carefully crafted frosting off another cookie to eat it.

She’s got her death glare but there’s something so soft in her gaze. Like the look she had given Clarke right before leaving except she doesn’t look like she’s about to cry this time. “I will put frosting on you if you don’t knock it off.” She points the baggy full of blue frosting toward her as if it’s threatening and it only seems to make Clarke laugh.

Of course they’re messing around too much and the room is much too loud that they miss Clarke’s original alarm for Lexa’s cookies and they only notice between Lexa rubbing blue frosting on Clarke’s cheek that her cookies are burning, which seems to devastate Lexa who dramatically states that she can’t do anything right as Clarke is pulling them out of the oven.

“This is why we can’t let Lexa near the oven.” Raven teases with an exaggerated cough at the slight smokiness that takes over the kitchen when Clarke is hurriedly pulling them out. She’s thankful her mother had left to go down to the mini market for some ingredient that they were missing and wasn’t here to complain about this disaster.

“I can cook!” Lexa exclaims with high amounts of annoyance at the implication that she’s useless in the kitchen. She’s so competitive, even with things that she doesn’t need to be competitive about.

“She just can’t bake.” Clarke chuckles and Lexa glares at her but every possible ounce of tension leaves her when she looks at her and Clarke wonders if it’s always been like this. If every defense mechanism Lexa has gets disarmed by Clarke the same way Clarke’s own seem to follow the pattern, or if she’s reading into something that isn’t there and all this is, is Lexa’s exhaustion and trust for Clarke expressing itself on a day after a storm.

Selfishly, Clarke hope Lexa is feeling the same things, even if she knows nothing can be done about it right now. “This is your failure too, I asked for your help.” Lexa claims calmly and looks sadly at cookies that are far to dark. They won’t be eating these, that’s for sure.

“Okay, okay, I agree.” Clarke sighs because she isn’t wrong… it was her alarm even. She had tasked Lexa with art, not with baking.

“You do?” Anya asks with a raised eyebrow as if she suspicious of her and Clarke’s fear of Anya’s observance returns briefly.

As long as Anya doesn’t actually ask, everything will be fine because Clarke still doesn’t know what she’d even say if asked. “I was distracting you.” She admits and rubs the rest of the frosting off her cheek with one of the cooking rags on the countertop.

“Yes, you were.” Lexa nods as if confirming Clarke’s statement was needed. It wasn’t but she looks so happy to have the blame taken off her shoulders that it pleases Clarke and she quietly encourages Lexa to go back to decorating her cookies as she throws Lexa’s away.

***

There is no game tonight, everyone had needed a break from them anyway. However, everyone knows even though they don’t say it out loud, the break is for Lexa. Clarke wonders if it makes her crazy, if she hates it as much as someone asking her how she’s doing every few hours. She hasn’t said anything, and she looks rather calm, if not tired, but she thinks Lexa keeps a lot of thoughts in her head rather than saying them out loud.

No, she doesn’t just think that, she knows it.

In fact, the only visible emotion that Lexa seems to express besides exhaustion is when Bellamy seems ready to take a seat beside Clarke again for dinner. It really happens much too fast for Clarke to completely notice because she was busy just watching Lexa carefully, as she’s mostly been doing all day. She doesn’t even hear him say hello to her, in fact, she’s sure the only reason she winds up realizing he’s going to sit next to her at all is because she can see Lexa clench her jaw as she stares at him.

It forces her eyes off Lexa long enough to spring herself into action. She’s about to tell him that she’s going to sit with Lexa this evening, as nicely as possible because the last thing Clarke wants is a scene, she knows Lexa can’t handle that right now. But Lexa must have moved at the speed of light because before she knows it, she’s nearly shoved Bellamy out of the way as she slides into the seat next to her.

He looks pissed off, extremely so, at the interaction but Lexa acts like she hadn’t even noticed as she grabs a plate Octavia hands to her and pulls Clarke’s chair closer to her so there’s less space between them. “Bell, why don’t you sit over here?” Raven offers from down the table and he seems to reluctantly go without saying anything, and for that Clarke is grateful.

She can’t bare for Lexa to storm off into the snow again.

Abby has made Lexa’s least favorite dinner for the night, but Clarke doubts she really knows that. Clarke probably shouldn’t know that, but she realizes by now that she knows a lot of things about Lexa that she probably shouldn’t know for someone she’s supposed to be rivals with… but they’re not rivals, not really. They’re… _friends_… Clarke’s heart is… different and wild with every brush of Lexa’s thigh against her own and each time Bellamy looks down the table at them Lexa does something else possessive that makes Clarke’s skin tingle.

But it’s also more than that because Lexa’s arm is around her chair even when Bellamy isn’t looking at them, and every time she has something to talk about it’s not to tease or bicker with her but a regular conversation starter, mumbled lowly in her ear and it feels so… intimate in a room full of people.

Her fingertips tangling through the side of Clarke’s hair for the pure excuse that it was almost in her food isn’t for Bellamy’s benefit either, because a few seconds later she’s perfectly distracted with pushing around the food on her plate as Bellamy asks Clarke a question about her gallery and even seems to contently listen to Clarke’s answer.

Has Lexa been doing this stuff the whole time and Clarke is just now noticing it because her heart can’t find a steady rhythm around her? Or is Lexa just being Lexa and Clarke is overthinking every little interaction because she’s still not used to feeling like this, feeling this way about her? To be fair to herself, this is all still pretty new as she hasn’t been dealing with the acknowledgement of these feelings the whole time but only since very early this morning.

Clarke perhaps gets a little brave when dinner is mostly over and Lexa mumbles into Clarke’s ear about a piece of art she had posted on Instagram, telling her she thought it was pretty. Clarke narrows her eyes at her as if she suspicious so that Lexa will ask her “what?” in that small cute tone she does sometimes when she’s being perfectly innocent.

She hates that her heart speeds up with her own question of “what are you doing?” as if Lexa’s about to confess some ten-page love letter at the dinner table in front of all their friends and family.

She doubts Lexa even is feeling all these things that Clarke is feeling that she has yet to fully understand, let alone would she admit to them. She’s going through far too much to be worrying about something like that, something that should feel so small and inconvenient even though to Clarke it feels… _massive and unavoidable_.

“What do you mean?” She asks as if she’s being normal. Maybe she is and Clarke is left overthinking everything. But for some reason… for some reason she doesn’t think she is because Lexa’s been doing weird stuff since she got here, acting different, saying different things. She’s noticed so many things that are different in the way that Lexa interacts with her. That can’t just be her own head making things into something that it isn’t, right?

Lexa’s eyes travel across Clarke’s face in the moments of silence that follow Lexa’s question, as if Clarke is the painting that she had bought for Lexa this morning. She hates that she can’t get her heart to slow down whenever Lexa starts being… _Lexa_. She doesn’t remember it ever acting like this before. “You’re trying to make him mad, aren’t you?” She isn’t sure how she wants Lexa to respond to that.

Does she want her to agree and make one of her playful jokes at her expense?

Does she want her to act like she still has no idea what she’s talking about?

Or does she want that ten-page love letter?

Lexa’s arm retracts from the back of her chair as she looks down at her food to only push it around and for a second Clarke is distracted thinking about how she’s going to cook her something later, just to make sure she eats. Then she swallows her own nervous energy and sits up straighter in her chair to push around the food on her own plate as she says, “If so, I don’t mind, he deserves it.”

Lexa chuckles next to her in what is probably agreement, but it takes her a moment to drop her fork again before she’s seeking out Clarke’s hand, and how can this be to annoy Bellamy if he can’t even see this when it’s under the table? He can’t know they’re holding hands. Maybe that’s her answer, maybe Clarke is still misreading the entire situation and she needs some time alone to get ahold of her own damn brain.

But right now?

Right now, she’ll let Lexa hold her hand because it’s nice, and she’s warmer than she was last night, and she looks so… content when Clarke laces her fingers with her own. This is probably something they won’t talk about either, like when they wake up every morning tangled around each other, but… she doesn’t care. At least, just for the moment.

All she really cares about is making Lexa feel safe.

***

Clarke watches her stack pillows down the middle of the bed as if they both need it. Something about the action feels… _wrong_. She can still feel the warmth from Lexa’s palm against her own hand. She wants to tell her stop doing it, and break whatever silent rule they seem to have made a long, long time ago about this sort of routine.

But she doesn’t. She says nothing and watching her and waits until she’s finished before she bothers to climb into the bed. Lexa, though she’s practically been falling asleep all day, seems distracted with what she supposes is a book on her phone. She’s very focused on it but turns her lamp light off for Clarke, figuring she wants to sleep.

She watches Lexa for awhile as she reads, tossing and turning on her side of the bed and feeling the itch in her hands to touch her. She doesn’t know what the point of that is, it’s only growing stronger as time passes, and she really doesn’t know what to do about it because she’s more than well aware that she can’t act on it.

A half an hour passes of constant tossing and turning and the inability to not watch Lexa’s face as she cycles through the words she’s reading on her phone. Until she gives up because, _well, quite frankly, fuck it_. She removes the pillow wall first, tossing pillows onto the ground which gets Lexa’s attention though she says nothing, just seems to watch Clarke as she does it. She almost looks amused about it.

She’s tired, she’d like to sleep and Lexa reading on her phone with a stupid crappy fluffy clothy wall of inconvenience is keeping her from that. Honestly, Lexa isn’t reading because she isn’t ready to sleep, she’s reading because she can’t. So, Clarke’s just giving into what was already going to happen through the middle of the night anyways.

Lexa only bothers to protest weakly when Clarke snatches her phone out of her hand, leaning over her to plug it in before she urges Lexa to cuddle with her, making Lexa the little spoon for the night and practically sighing with relief the moment she’s in her arms. “Mention this tomorrow and I’ll kill you.” She mumbles in her ear but there’s no real threat there.

Of course, even Lexa knows that, because she nearly giggles at the comment. “But if I mention it now-”

“Shut up and go to sleep.” Clarke demands calmly, sighing contently when Lexa starts to snuggle back into her in response. The only thing she forgot to think about in this scenario is how crazy her heart go whenever Lexa is near her and she hopes and begs that Lexa doesn’t feel it against her back.

Clarke assumes she doesn’t, or at least doesn’t want to talk about it because she’s nearly asleep when she speaks again. “No more pillow wall.” She mumbles tiredly, exhaustion clear in her voice, the same exhaustion she’s been trying to hide all day, but Clarke could clearly see all over her face. She wonders if Lexa’s exhaustion was generally obvious or if Clarke is just seeing something else that nobody else really ever can again.

Costia hated that, she remembers one of the last conversations she had with her around the beginning of last year. She had been so annoyed when she came to ask Clarke how Lexa was feeling and had even insisted how frustrating it was to not have the same bond they seemed to have. At the time Clarke had thought she was being ridiculous because they were so different and always bickering, had grown up with some sort of dynamic they both couldn’t make any sense of.

But Costia had made her promise she’d always take care of her if she couldn’t, so she knew something had been wrong than she just… didn’t really realize what it was. She had chalked it up to heartbreak, as Clarke was Lexa’s family and Costia and Lexa had seemingly done their last round of will-they-won’t-they a few months prior. But it wasn’t just heartbreak it was something much more than that.

Lexa is again asleep before her, but she doesn’t mind, it’s easier to fall asleep when Lexa already is. It’s incredibly comforting to know she’s safe and warm with her… she isn’t quite sure if this and all these emotions is what Costia had, had in mind when she asked her to take care of Lexa, but… well it’s what’s happening anyways.

She’ll keep her promise.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for this being late. Please forgive me, it's here now. I promise it's a sweet one.
> 
> Make sure you read my friend's social media au that accompanies this fic, she always adds just a little bit more things to a chapter. Right now [on her twitter](https://twitter.com/elizaatrash/status/1193980432464912384)  
is the only place you can find it as I haven't been updating it anywhere else.

Lexa can still remember the first time she had ever met Costia. They were in all the same classes when she started middle school, the same advanced ones, the same basic sixth grade ones. All the same ones. Including gym, which Costia had hated and so did Clarke at the time. Lexa never minded it of course, she quite enjoyed sporty activities, but she remembers pretending she didn’t like them that much when she first met Costia to try and impress her. She thinks now, how stupid that was because when they had gotten to high school Costia loved going to her soccer games.

She isn’t fully sure why she’s thinking of it now, but she believes it has something to do with examining her past, which she spends most of her time doing in the mornings when Clarke is holding her and she doesn’t want to move quite yet. She had always been different with Clarke, but she has an entire notebook that says different doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel things, all the things that Costia knew she felt.

She, of course, had been right, from the moment Lexa had come out of the closet she had assumed Clarke was the girl Lexa was really interested in, though at the time Lexa did have a crush on Costia and was sure that Clarke was only just a childhood friend, so she didn’t see it that way. She remembers laughing so hard at the comment she nearly threw up. She had been just a child than, a notebook full of a childhood friend wasn’t enough evidence to her at the time, why would it be when it was something she had never bothered to analyze before?

But she remembers how she felt when she watched Clarke kiss a girl for the first time. Hell, she remembers how she felt when she watched Clarke kiss a boy for the first time in seventh grade, at a stupid dance she hadn’t even wanted to go to. But the first time Clarke had kissed a girl she was sixteen and it was at a party Clarke had dragged her six months after her parents had died in an attempt to cheer her up and get her out of the Griffin’s house for once.

It hadn’t worked of course. A party was the last thing Lexa wanted to be at, but than Clarke kissed a girl at that party and blushed about her when Lexa had asked, and something flipped inside of her because she hadn’t even known Clarke was interested in girls. But that flip had quickly turned into the same kind of sour Lexa gets when Bellamy is flirting with Clarke in front of her because Clarke had started dating that girl, and Lexa’s notebook got so full she had to buy another.

She can remember that time that Costia had found her notebook. That’s the first time they ever broke up. She wonders if Costia had always felt second best to Clarke, Lexa feels guilty now more than ever about it all because she was right, of course she had been right. Even if she herself hadn’t known that she was in love with Clarke then, or even years after things like that, she still feels guilty. Like she had wasted the little bit of life Costia had making her fall in love with her while her heart had belonged to someone else the entire time.

It wasn’t fair and now she can’t ever make it up to her, can’t ever apologize for it. Abby had been right as well; she wasn’t a good person, wasn’t good for Clarke, but not in the way that Abby had insisted she wasn’t good. A good person would have never done that to Costia regardless of if they were aware they were doing that to her or not, at least that’s how it feels. That’s how it feels as Clarke grips the ends of her shirt and breathes across the skin on her neck while she dreams. She wants to be as weak as she’s ever been in her whole life and wrap up in her, but she still feels so guilty. It still wouldn’t be fair would it? Even though Costia isn’t here anymore.

She turns in Clarke’s grip very gently as to not wake her and she can feel her heart do that same flip it’s done throughout their entire lives. The same one it had done the first time Clarke had kissed a girl, the same one it had done the first time Clarke had held her hand or cuddled her through a nightmare. The same one it had done the first time Clarke had drunkenly said she loved her, or Lexa had said the same thing while Clarke held her hair back when she was throwing up.

Their entire lives have wound up entirely entwined in each other’s in some way and Lexa finds herself finally asking a question she had never thought to ask herself before; why would it be like that if they weren’t meant to be together in some sort of way? She’s not a big believer in fate, but sometimes when she looks at Clarke, and she thinks about all the shitty circumstances that got her here, she wants to believe in fate.

Costia wouldn’t exactly want her to stay away from Clarke, right? She had been upset about Lexa’s feelings because Lexa was supposed to love her when they were together, not someone else, though to be fair again Lexa hadn’t realized what she felt for Clarke was so massive for the longest time. Maybe she should have, she knows she would have hurt Costia much less if she did, but she hadn’t.

She hadn’t before but now she does and she’s running out of energy to deny herself these moments because if Clarke didn’t feel this way, well, Clarke wouldn’t be tangled around her like this. Clarke wouldn’t hold her hand under tables and try so hard to make her feel better. Clarke wouldn’t care about any of this if she didn’t feel this way, or a semblance of it. Why should she keep saying no? Costia wouldn’t want her to not be happy, she had been very insistent that Lexa admit her feelings the last few months leading to her death.

She still feels guilty, so guilty as she tangles her fingers through the side of Clarke’s hair and watches her eyelashes flutter in her sleep. She’s so beautiful too and Lexa is careful not to disturb her from her peaceful sleep as she places a gentle and affectionate kiss on her cheekbone. Clarke mumbles in her sleep at her touch and her grip grows tighter but Lexa just lays back down properly and closes her eyes and lets herself stay wrapped up in this warmth, just for a little while longer.

***

It takes her a few hours, but she gets up anyways. Clarke is still fast asleep when she leaves and she isn’t sure what puts her in this mood, maybe to prove she can cook, but she’s making Clarke’s favorite breakfast, which is just chocolate chip waffles with a side of bacon and that weird buttery syrup she likes, at least the one she used to make when she had moved in here not long after her parents died and she could hardly sleep.

She’s halfway through making it when Raven stumbles into the kitchen seeking out the smell. “That doesn’t look like enough for everyone.” She pouts immediately and Lexa can’t help but chuckle. It’s so early in the morning she actually hadn’t expected to be caught, at least maybe by a Blake who’s staying in the extra room downstairs and therefore would be able to smell it easier.

“It’s not for everyone.” She admits, nearly done with the food now as she places it neatly on a tray. She hopes Clarke likes it. She really isn’t sure why she’s doing this completely; she just knows… she’d love to make Clarke happy at least.

“You’re getting so soft on me, it’s disgusting.” Raven teases and Lexa finds herself smiling slightly at Raven’s teasing.

Raven is not above asking her a thousand times how she’s doing, and treating her different like everyone else, but when she’s joking around with her like this, things feel better and more normal, just how Lexa likes them. “Have you told Clarke yet, about everything?” She asks curiously, because she can’t not bring it up. She’s lucky Clarke is prying for information every day, she seems rather distracted actually, maybe with Lexa too much to even ask.

“You would ruin a nice moment like this one.” Raven pulls herself up on the countertop after grabbing a water and starts to sip at it. Abby would scream at her for doing that, but something that Lexa always liked about Raven was how little she seemed to care about anyone’s rules.

“I’m just wondering, she hasn’t tried to get anything out of me for a while.” She tells her, though she’s sure she would have heard about it already if Raven had said anything at all to Clarke. If not just basic information, it would be Clarke bickering with her for not sharing such important things about their mutual family basically.

“No. I haven’t said anything.” Raven picks at her sleeve after putting the water down and sighs slightly. “How is she doing?” For a second Lexa thinks Raven is asking about Clarke and nearly finds herself blurting out a worried “what do you mean?” but she catches herself, realizing pretty quickly that Raven isn’t talking about Clarke at all. She’s asking about Anya, and Lexa’s brain is just too wrapped up in the blonde to have noticed right away.

She should probably get a grip, but she’s not sure that she can help it. “With you and Luna sharing a room with her or in general?” Lexa finds herself teasing, her mood impossibly good for the amount of contemplating she’s been doing since she awoke.

Raven sighs. “I don’t know, both?”

“She’s stupid, you know that by now right?” Lexa chuckles as Raven stares at her hands. “She’s really jealous too so if that was the plan, it’s working.” Lexa hopes the slight annoyance at that possibility isn’t noticeable in her tone. It’s not fair of her to judge that at all, for sure, but a natural protectiveness comes over her when it comes to Anya, that’s her sister after all, even if the entire situation is such a mess because both of them are equally weird.

“That wasn’t really the plan.” Raven says meekly.

“She’s in love with you, you realize that. It hasn’t changed.” Lexa shrugs as if it’s common knowledge, and to her it is. She feels it’s easy to see, Anya is so obvious about it that even Clarke is aware that there’s something there. Though Clarke can be quite observant when she wants to be… there she goes again, still thinking about her.

“She sprung it on me Lex, it felt so random I didn’t have time too-”

“You don’t have to explain Rae I get it.” She shrugs and picks up the tray of food, it needs to get to Clarke before she gets up or it gets cold. “I still think you should talk about it with Clarke, maybe it’ll help you feel better.” She’s not really one for advice but Clarke always helps her feel better, even when she doesn’t want to talk about anything. And they’re best friends so Lexa doesn’t see why that should be any different.

“Speaking of Clarke, what is going on with you two, you’re taking her breakfast now?” Raven corks her eyebrow up suspiciously and Lexa can feel the tips of her ears grow hot with her blush.

“It’s her favorite.” Lexa feigns offense at the suggestive tone.

“You like, like Clarke.” Raven says dramatically, with a gasp as she grabs at her chest like this news is scandalous and not something that she’s already accused Lexa of before in the past.

“What is this, third grade?” Lexa clenches her jaw, a fluttering annoyance filling her chest. She doesn’t want to discuss it, she can barely discuss it with Clarke, she hasn’t even discussed it with Clarke. So she’s not going to start with Raven.

“Lexa and Clarke, sitting in a tree.” She starts singing and Lexa is sure her entire face starts to flush red.

“I hate you.” Lexa steps out of the kitchen with the tray, moving practically at lightening speed to get away from her as she continues to sing the song behind her, uncaring of how uncomfortable it seems to be making Lexa.

Anya is definitely going to be on her ass about this one. Despite those two unable to communicate in one area, they certainly know how to with literally everything else. They were quite close before they started sort of dating.

She was contemplating now having to wake Clarke up and she was even going to do that when she finally pushed the door open to the bedroom again, but Clarke was already awake. She was sitting up in bed, perhaps looking slightly confused as she rubbed sleep from her eye. “There you are.” She had greeted groggily before getting distracted by the food in Lexa’s hands. “Hmm, what did you do to it?” Clarke asks as if she’s suspicious.

The slight furrow of her brows in curiosity is adorable and Lexa thinks its stupid that she’s this beautiful in the morning. It’s morning, everyone is supposed to look terrible in the morning, why she’s defying that basic rule she has no idea. “I can cook.” She says as if that’s the only reasons she’d ever make Clarke breakfast and bring it to her in a tray so she can eat it in bed.

It's not, of course, she’d make Clarke breakfast like this every morning just to make her happy. “Did you poison it?” Clarke asks as she narrows her eyes at her like it’s possible Lexa would ever do anything to hurt Clarke.

Lexa doesn’t mind though because Clarke is only joking, and this is pretty normal for them. Lexa bringing Clarke breakfast in bed isn’t so normal. “Would I ever do such a thing?” Lexa feigns innocents as she sets the tray in Clarke’s lap very carefully. “Do you want juice?” She asks, getting distracted by realizing she had forgotten her drink all together.

“What kind of juice?”

“Apple?”

Clarke looks at her thoughtfully for a moment and Lexa feels like she’s seeing right through her, right into her very obvious heart. “You’re going to go all the way back downstairs to get me apple juice?” She questions but it’s not with the suspicious teasing tone she had been using earlier. This time it’s a thoughtful curious question and Lexa is scared to answer it.

“Yes?” Lexa asks as if it’s a question and not an answer.

“Okay, sure, I’ll take advantage of nice Lexa.” Clarke shrugs and cuts into her food, maybe she sensed Lexa’s panic when Clarke was evaluating her. “There’s a lot here, are you going to eat with me?” There are two plates, obviously she’s going to eat with her, but she doesn’t say that.

“Yeah, I’ll get the juice.” She gives Clarke her warmest smile and feels triumphant when Clarke returns it.

“Oh good, that means you didn’t poison it.”

Lexa chuckles as she goes to leave the room. “Does it really?”

***

“Can we have family game night today?” Aden asks loudly as he pokes at the fireplace. He’s getting away with it because Anya isn’t presently in the room, actually, Lexa hasn’t seen Anya all morning, and now that the clock is striking twelve, she’s starting to realize how odd that truly is for her older sister.

“I don’t know buddy.” Clarke says and Lexa’s brain short-circuits for a second when she feels Clarke’s hand grip her knee to get her attention. “Would you like to?” She asks and though Lexa would normally find a question like this incredibly annoying, with Clarke she can hardly even feel annoyed, not when she’s looking at her like that and touching her knee.

Clarke’s eyes are twice the size they normally are, and so blue and she’s touching her and that’s really all she can think about. “I’d love too.” She finds herself answering easily and tries to ignore Raven’s smirk that she can see from the corner of her eye. She doesn’t think she’s ever been this obvious in her whole entire life, but she can’t seem to stop herself.

_Clarke is acting different too._

She never talks to Lexa like this, let alone in front of people. But Clarke also doesn’t really hold her hand under tables, or while they scarf down homemade waffles Lexa makes for them in bed. Perhaps they’re both being incredibly obvious to everyone, but Lexa is kind of sick of acting like she doesn’t want to be with Clarke when all she can feel is the opposite.

“Snowball fight!” Aden shouts as he stands up immediately. “I’m going to take you out!” He says to Lexa, distracting her from watching Clarke’s mouth lift up into a tiny smile at him.

“Oh, you wish.” She scoffs, she can feel the familiar competitive streak start to comb its way through her system but she still knows she distracted.

“Did I hear snowball fight?” Jake peeks his head into the living room and grins excitedly at the prospect of pelting anyone with snowballs.

“I don’t want to be captain this morning. You can do it dad.” Clarke sighs and Lexa knows it’s not her imagination when she scoots closer to her on the couch. She wonders if Clarke feels as distracted as she does, is thinking about all the same things she is? Or is that just Lexa hoping?

“Where’s Anya?” Clarke asks distractedly brushing her leg against Lexa’s and effectively distracting her some more. She’s got to be doing that on purpose.

“I’ll get her.” Raven perks up and moves to climb the stairs but Luna places her hand on the girl’s shoulder.

“I’ll get her, your leg’s been bugging you remember.” She says carefully and Raven’s face falls at the suggestion, like Luna isn’t looking out for her best interest by not letting her get Anya.

“Right.” Raven watches Luna go.

“Do you still want captain Lex?” Jake asks and Lexa snaps her head toward him.

Does he even have to ask? “Of course I want captain.”

“Oh man,” Aden frowns.

“Your time will come.” Clarke says encouragingly and his little face lights up.

“Can I be on your team; I want to take Lexa out!” He practically shouts as he bounces his way over to Jake.

“An over energized kid is an asset in a snowball fight, of course you can.” He ruffles Aden’s hair and Lexa smiles at the gesture. She’s glad Aden has someone like Jake to look up too, of all the men Lexa has ever known, he’s a good second to her father, who would be more than grateful for the way he’s taken all three of them in.

Lexa tries not to think about him too much. “I’m taking Clarke.” Lexa says without thinking, just in time for Luna and Anya to be descending down the stairs to hear her so that Anya can give her that “I know what you’re thinking and feeling” kind of look mildly mixed with a small amount of concern, and how Lexa hates the concern, loathes it even at this point.

Everyone grows incredibly awkward at the declaration. Raven just smirks like she knows a big secret. Lexa finds herself wishing everyone wouldn’t be so weird about everything as she feels incredibly nervous and overwhelmed by the implication that she’s acting stranger than she normally does, or that her and Clarke have progressed past normal.

She realizes she is acting more on impulse today than she normally ever does. It doesn’t make sense for her to not think about everything she’s going to do first, but her heart is longingly, oddly strongly, for as much Clarke as it can possibly get and she’s getting too weak to keep fight it.

Would Costia really want her to fight it?

Clarke looks as surprised as everyone else, but she seems to sense Lexa’s moods better than anyone else can as well, and eventually shrugs. “Well now nobody else has a chance at winning do they, since I’m the only one that can beat you.” Clarke smiles at her playfully, full of warmth and something else and Lexa would probably get tongue tied if there wasn’t an entire room full of people staring at them.

Lexa feels like she could kiss her right now regardless. “You do always try so hard don’t you?” She teases back and Clarke glares at her.

“Don’t make me change teams.” She shoves Lexa’s shoulder but it’s so light that Lexa hardly moves.

“You can’t, I chose, and you vetoed captain. You’re stuck with me Griffin.” She smiles far to wide at that implication. An entire afternoon on Clarke’s team sounds pretty good to her.

“Don’t worry Clarke, we’ll win for you.” Bellamy seems to think this is an opportune moment to speak and his voice grates on Lexa’s nerves just as much as it always does.

But she keeps her eyes on Clarke who shrugs at his comment before looking back at her. She seems like she wants to say something else and Lexa almost wants her too even though she doesn’t know what it is, but she doesn’t and eventually just looks away from her though Lexa finds it incredibly hard to stop looking at Clarke. Probably making her feelings all the more obvious to everyone that keeps watching them too closely in the room.

***

They’re all freezing, but Lexa thinks she would freeze a thousand times over to make sure Clarke is warm, so maybe that’s why she’s piling her thick jacket on top of Clarke’s already semi think jacket. She looks adorable though, all bundled up. She makes fun of her of course when she falls into the snow from all the weight and Clarke has it in her to throw one last snowball that surprisingly gets Lexa’s cheek.

She’s too distracted today to dodge it.

It’s as Lexa is helping Clarke up from the snow and Clarke looks longingly into the living room window at everyone who is there finishing up the decorations on the tree that Lexa thinks she’d do anything to make outside, putting lights up, seem more appealing, just so Clarke can have fun.

She hadn’t protested an ounce when the lot of them had insisted that Clarke and Lexa should do this chore, since they had obviously unfairly obliterated everyone else. Lexa found it extremely fair, she likes winning with Clarke more than beating Clarke at games and that surprises her too, even though it probably shouldn’t.

Clarke and Lexa not protesting to working together on the lights was just yet another moment of extend awkward silence as everyone looked at them like they had woken up today as two entirely differently people. Lexa thinks maybe she has to stop being so obvious and clear about her emotions, but she almost can’t help it today. She almost doesn’t want too.

Clarke is being just as different with her and the last thing she wants is to push it away. Even if sometimes when Clarke is looking at her the same way she looks at Clarke she feels guilty, and when Clarke is pressing light touches to her back in unnecessary moments or offers to help her with putting on her big jacket even though she really doesn’t need help with that she still feels guilty, but she feels something else too.

She feels _love_, like it’s beginning to eat her up and swallow her whole every time Clarke breathes in her general direction. And she can’t always feel guilty when it’s about love, not when that love is for Clarke. Not entirely. If anyone in the world deserves to be loved, she knows it’s Clarke. Maybe Lexa feels she doesn’t deserve it back, but Clarke surely deserves every ounce of love that’s left in the universe.

“Why dad always waits until the last minute to put this part up baffles me.” Clarke says with chattering teeth. She can’t be chattering with two jackets on, Lexa knows she’s just being dramatic, but she finds it kind of cute, so she doesn’t make fun of her for it this time.

“You know it’s some superstitious tradition your grandma has.” Lexa remembers, having heard the story herself her first Christmas with the Griffin’s. She usually helps Jake with this every year, but apparently, he’s kind of a sore loser. Must be where his daughter gets it from.

“Then he should be out here doing it, they’re just sore losers.”

Lexa smiles confidently, eyes twinkling into Clarke’s own. “Can you blame them?”

“No, perhaps we should have been on the same team every year. We’ve been too busy fighting to realize how good we work together.” She thinks Clarke blushes at the comment but the pink of her cheeks cold just be from the cold.

“Did Clarke Griffin just say she likes being on my team?” Lexa asks obnoxiously and Clarke rolls her eyes.

“Don’t make me take it back.” She huffs with playful annoyance.

“Why don’t you go make some hot chocolate, I’ll do the lights.” Lexa gives her an out because Clarke isn’t one for this kind of chore, which is why it was actually surprising that she hadn’t protested to it at all when her father had insisted.

“I have to hold the ladder it’s too wobbly, you could fall.” Her eyes widen at the implication, like she’s suddenly jinxing the entire situation, and Lexa’s chest flutters at how adorable it is.

“Don’t want me getting hurt now do you?” Lexa flutters her eyelashes flirtatiously and Clarke glares at her again, though she can feel her heart do that familiar flip as a warm pink glow crosses Clarke’s face and this time she can tell it isn’t from the cold.

“Keep it up and I’ll shove the ladder out from under you.” She says rather harshly, but Lexa’s well aware that her flirting is getting to her, as it’s been doing easily this entire time.

“No, you won’t.” Lexa bangs the ladder against the side of the house.

“I don’t see why we have to do this part this year though, I mean there’s enough lights out here already.” Clarke calls as Lexa begins to climb.

When the ladder wobbles it scares Clarke far more than it scares Lexa. “Traditions Clarke.” Lexa says again and is sure she is probably rolling her eyes in response when she says nothing back.

It takes Lexa ten minutes, which is record time to do the complicated roof part of the additional lights, but Clarke still insists it took longer, grabbing Lexa’s waist as she’s coming off the ladder as if she needs help steadying herself.

Lexa tries to remember to breath when she can feel Clarke’s cold fingertips on the skin of her waist. Great that she chose this day, the one where Lexa can’t get a handle on her own emotions, to wear the fingerless gloves. “Hot chocolate break!” Clarke declares and Lexa chuckles as she lets her go and starts fumbling through the snow.

“It’s only been ten minutes.” She calls, hoping her voice only sounds shaky to her paranoid ears.

“Much longer, hot chocolate time, sit on the porch and wait.” Lexa smiles fondly after her and does as she was told. She’s cold, much colder without her thick jacket and only a sweater to try and keep her warm, but she can handle it.

She’s sure Clarke is warm enough at least, and that’s what’s important to her.

It doesn’t take Clarke very long to stumble back out the door as carefully as she can, handing Lexa a cup of hot chocolate. Clarke probably doesn’t do it on purpose, but the skim of her fingers against Lexa’s own as she hands off the cup still makes her forget to breathe again.

Lexa thinks that she’s being absolutely absurd right now, but than Clarke is smiling at her and she forgets to scold herself. “How are you feeling today?” Clarke asks with what appears to be genuine interest, though she looks slightly afraid to ask it.

Perhaps aware that it’s not Lexa’s favorite question. But all Lexa does is offer Clarke a warm smile. “Pretty good.” She answers genuinely and grows slightly nervous when Clarke scoots closer to her, looking so serious.

Clarke wants to talk about something, maybe the hand holding, maybe how obvious Lexa has been, maybe about Costia… whatever it is, all the possibilities make Lexa extremely nervous. She wraps her hands around the warmth of the mug and sips at it, avoiding eye contact.

“You know I’m not going to make you talk about her if you don’t want too.” Clarke says after the quietness grows between them for too long. “But Anya… she said she thinks you were going to get back together, before…” Clarke trails off and Lexa is unsure why she’s bringing this in particular up.

But she doesn’t question it either because she’s sure Clarke is curious about everything. “No. I don’t think that we were. Costia when she was dying, was too busy trying to get me too… _move_ on.” She swallows some hot chocolate and avoids eye contact when Clarke looks at her curiously at the statement.

“Move on how?” Clarke asks instead of asking with who and Lexa isn’t sure if she’s grateful for that or not. She feels she’s in a mood where she could spill her guts to Clarke, all her feelings and all her pains and all her guilty and all her worry, just pour it out of her and she knows Clarke would listen and hold her if she needed.

But perhaps it’s best that Clarke doesn’t pry. “With someone else.” Lexa shrugs and doesn’t meet Clarke’s eyes as she looks at her.

“You didn’t want to, though did you?” She thinks she hears slight disappointment in her tone at this realization she’s making up for herself but that could just be Lexa’s wishful thinking.

“Not at the time. The last thing I wanted to think about was relationships, but it gave Costia something else to think about other than the fact that she was dying, so I played a long with a lot of it… we fought though, because I didn’t want to talk about it anymore or accept what she was saying, had always been saying to me even. We fought and then she got really, really bad and then a week later she died.” Lexa frowns at the memories. She wishes she hadn’t spent that last week with Costia just staring at her practically lifeless in a hospital bed. She wishes their last conversation had been a real one and not Lexa telling Costia too fuck off about her love life.

Just another thing for her to feel guilty about.

Lexa jumps when she feels Clarke’s hand on her own, but she feels relief at the touch, turning her hand so they can tangle their fingers together in a way that is quickly becoming familiar and easy. “You haven’t really talked about it with anyone, have you?” Clarke says softly and Lexa hadn’t realized how close she had gotten, feeling her breath puff up around her ear.

Lexa shivers but not from the cold “No.” She answers quietly and still doesn’t look at her.

Clarke’s hand squeezes her own and that’s what she stares at instead. “I appreciate you talking to me.” She mumbles softly and Lexa feels like she could cry again.

This isn’t normal for them. Normally Lexa would despise a moment like this. But with Clarke, she thinks this entire trip has been leading to moments like these because she can’t help but trust Clarke and let her in even when she’s fighting it. She’s been letting her in practically her whole life and she’s spent most of it not even realizing that.

Clarke soothes nightmares and pain and cheers her up when she doesn’t even want to be here anymore. Clarke heals wounds with small touches and makes her feel normal by being as playful and competitive with her as they always have been. Clarke takes care of her when she really doesn’t have to, and Lexa can’t help it when she thinks, that all she wants to do for the rest of her own life is take care of Clarke in return. It’s a big thought, a massive one, and Lexa’s surprised by how easy it comes to her.

She thinks, maybe there’s a different way she can make it up to Costia, and that not being with Clarke isn’t the right answer and never could be, not when you love someone this much.

***

“You’re being so dramatic Clarke, it’s not that cold.” Anya seemingly is scolding the blonde for curling up under a throw blanket on the couch and practically gluing herself to Lexa’s side because _“she’s a heater” _she had said.

“Says you who got hit with like two snowballs and got to decorate the tree in the warmth of the house while Lexa and I were forced to do manual labor outdoors!” Clarke argues in what she assumes is a perfectly reasonable way.

It amuses Lexa, who finds herself curling her arm around Clarke’s waist to be more inviting to her to seek warmth from. “You’re such a baby.” Raven rolls her eyes and sits down next to Anya who looks surprised the moment she does.

“She makes a good point; it’s freezing out there.” Lexa defends casually, as she clicks a button on the remote to play Pirates of the Caribbean. Aden had actually chosen the film, but he had yet to come back and watch it sense Abby asked for his help in baking a cake for dessert for Christmas tomorrow and Aden was a sucker for baking.

It was only about 3 in the afternoon, but Clarke was tired enough from the activities of the day so far, leaning against Lexa as she seeks her warmth, something she normally only ever does in the quiet of their bedroom, not where everyone can see. She’s no longer shivering and that’s what Lexa cares about though, even if she’s growing a little self-conscious. “Hmm, Lexa defending Clarke, lets discuss this Anya.” Raven says thoughtfully, tapping her fingertips against her chin like she’s a professor or something.

Lexa thinks she could kill her right now. “You’re correct, I do believe she’s growing soft.”

“Lexa would never.” Clarke mumbles tiredly as she glues her eyes to the screen, no doubt waiting on Keira Knightley’s appearance. She leans her head against Lexa’s shoulder and for a second Lexa tenses up. In front of everyone no less? But she eventually relaxes, letting Clarke grow more comfortable and intentionally ignoring her sister’s obvious stare in their direction.

Anya certainly can pick up on things better when it comes to Lexa and the last thing she needs is for Anya to say something in front of Clarke that Lexa hasn’t even said yet. “Can we talk for a second, alone?” Raven asks loud enough to get Clarke’s attention briefly to watch Anya nod her head in answer and then watch them disappear upstairs.

“I bet you know what that’s about, and you won’t tell me will you.” Clarke sighs in defeat before they’ve even argued about it, release a big yawn that Lexa finds far too endearing. Her heart is not going to survive this day.

“Maybe I will.” Lexa smiles and leans back against the couch. “If you can stay awake for the whole movie.” Lexa challenges, knowing that Clarke will lose as she’s already falling asleep ten minutes into the movie.

“Keira Knightley will keep me awake.” Clarke says confidently, eyes already half closed.

“Yes, you look very awake right now.” Lexa tease as she watches the movie as well, trying very hard to control her own heartbeat, sure that Clarke must be able to feel how fast it’s going.

She doesn’t move and Clarke doesn’t say anything, but she has no idea when Clarke falls asleep. She only knows she is asleep about thirty minutes later when she is no longer mumbling tired compliments at Kiera Knightley on the screen. She’s careful not to move as to not disturb her. Hardly breathing in fear that will wake her from her comfortable sleep while she lays against her.

She nearly growls as people enter into the room discussing dinner tonight, and how it’s Christmas Eve tradition to go light looking after, so they must eat sooner. They’re all too loud, and when Raven and Anya come back down, and Anya sits on the other side of Clarke she’s sure the movement is going to wake her but is so relieved that it doesn’t.

She could kill everyone in this room for being so loud, her grip on Clarke’s waist tightening slightly as if she’s trying to protect her from all the noise.

The only reason she ends up moving at all and leaving Clarke’s side comes with a question from Anya, who gives Lexa her least favorite look and mumbles “are you ready again?” and she’s forced to think about what that means.

Because of course Anya probably has always known how she’s felt about Clarke, maybe as long as Costia because apparently, it’s obvious to more people than it had ever been to her. But the question is a lot to take in, and though Lexa has been thinking about it in a way for most of the day, she isn’t quite sure if the answer is yes.

So, she gets up very carefully, allowing Clarke to lay down in her spot, brushing her fingertips through her hair gently and making sure the blanket is securely around her. “I’m going for a walk, tell her that if she wakes up.” She answers and Anya doesn’t question it.

She only nods her head and Lexa longingly stares after a sleepy Clarke before bundling herself up and walking off into the cold again.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone reading. There will now be 9 chapter for this story instead of 8. And thank you to everyone reading and commenting and just genuinely enjoying the story, I'm happy to see that this story can be here for you through the holidays. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter, I think it's a good one to leave you with for Christmas. :)

It's really too cold to be out here, Lexa knows that. She’s well aware she’s spent far too many hours outside today as is, but… it’s quiet. So quiet, the kind of quiet that Lexa only gets in her apartment many states over. Most of the time she thinks its not a good thing. Right now, she knows she could use the thinking time.

She couldn’t bring herself to walk by the river where her and Costia used to go to escape because for once this kind of thinking wasn’t particularly about her and it didn’t seem fair to think about another girl in their spot. Even if it’s one of Lexa’s favorite places, and she’s been there more times than she can count this visit.

She certainly has no idea what she’s doing.

Even now as she walks down the snowy street from her childhood, all she wants to be doing is sitting on the couch, watching a movie while she lets Clarke sleep on her. She really doesn’t know what she’s doing out here besides the fact that she realizes she has a lot of self-reflecting to do. Anya’s question still looming around in her head _“are you ready for this?”_

She has no real idea if she is, but she realizes, it’s not really important how she feels about everything, it’s important how Clarke feels. Is Clarke ready for something like this with her? Is she prepared to be with Clarke fully, despite her guilt and heartache? She has to really think about it because Clarke deserves something real, unweighted. She deserves everything and Lexa wants to make sure that’s what she can give her.

Twinkly lights don’t help her think, they’re more distracting than ever, but she likes to think that she could be right for Clarke. No matter what may be going on in her head, if Clarke wanted her… wants her too, then maybe it’s the right time and the right place and this was always how it was supposed to be.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket and she pulls it out, smiling to herself slightly when she sees Clarke’s name on the screen. She unlocks her phone to read:

**Clarke (**_4:25 P.M._**):** running away again?

**Lexa (**_4:25 P.M._**):** Just went for a walk, I’ll be back soon. :)

**Clarke (**_4:26 P.M._**):** they’re cooking dinner, ur gonna miss it

**Lexa (**_4:26 P.M._**):** I’m coming back now

**Clarke (**_4:26 P.M._**):** can’t believe you would skip out on Keira Knightley

**Lexa (**_4:27 P.M._**):** Says the sleepyhead.

**Clarke (**_4:27 P.M._**):** You should have woken me to walk with you :(

**Lexa (**_4:28 P.M._**):** miss me?

**Clarke (**_4:28 P.M._**):** perhaps

**Clarke (**_4:29 P.M._**):** come back

Lexa isn’t sure how long she was smiling at her phone, but she knows she turns right around at the request. Whether she’s ready for it, or Clarke’s ready for it or not… it’s happening. Lexa just has to decide if she’s willing to prepare for impact or flee.

**Lexa (**_4:30 P.M._**):** be right there Clarke

***

“Clarke.” She jumps slightly in response, clearly more distracted by the way Lexa’s curling a piece of her hair around her ear, smiling gently at Aden who’s clearly gone off on a tangent about Lego building and the finer points of his designs. Lexa’s always been patient with him, but Lexa, Clarke’s parents and Anya are the only parents he’s ever known.

“Hmm?” She doesn’t bother asking why Raven’s smirking at her like that, as she’s sure it’s something she’s already going to make fun of her for.

For a second it’s quiet as Raven doesn’t answer seemingly studying her and while she does this Clarke tries her hardest to not watch Lexa across the room, who still listening to Aden’s passionate Lego speech. “You and Lexa seem close lately.” Raven finally inquires and Clarke raises a curious eyebrow at her.

“And you mean what by that?” She wants to talk to Raven about it but she’s not really sure what’s specifically happening herself. She knows how she’s feeling, she thinks she understands how Lexa is feeling but she can’t even be sure about that.

“Maybe I know something you don’t and maybe you haven’t told me something that you should.” Raven pushes her own eyebrows up and down and all her words manage to do is confuse Clarke.

She narrows her eyes. “Funny coming from you.” She crosses her arms along her chest and Raven rolls her eyes.

“Is this about Anya? Lexa keeps telling me to talk about it with you.” Raven sighs like that’s the most work in the world and Clarke tries not to be offended by it.

Raven’s never been much of a talker when it comes to her relationships. “Maybe Lexa’s right.”

“I never thought I’d hear you say that, but the both of you have grown soft.” Clarke looks over at Lexa to find the brunette already looking at her and she can’t help but greet her with a smile, a faster beat to her heart when Lexa returns it. “Seriously, what’s with all the heart eyes. You two are so obvious.” Raven rolls her eyes.

Clarke can feel the blush immediately start to settle on her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She tries to play innocent but she knows she isn’t because she really can’t stop staring at Lexa, can stop touching her and doing things for her and talking to her and it is so incredibly obvious.

“Fine, I’ll make a deal with you.” Clarke perks up at that, taking her eyes off Lexa long enough to show Raven her undivided attention. “You talk to me about it, and I’ll talk to you.”

“Hmm,” Clarke pretends to think about it. “I could get behind that.” She teases and its Raven’s turn to roll her eyes.

“Hey Clarke, do you want to ride with me to look at lights?” Bellamy appears beside them.

“You did need to pick; Anya’s car is full and Aden has requested the truck with Jake.” Raven informs her.

“Is Octavia riding with you?”

“I think so.” Bellamy answers with a warm smile.

Her eyes light up. “Wait is Lexa driving?”

“I wasn’t going too.” Lexa mumbles surprising Clarke when she feels her light touch on her back which disappears about as fast as it was placed. Just there to show her that she is there now, and Clarke can feel the that speed of her heart increase at her presence so close to her own.

She’s gorgeous and Clarke is sure she could spend all day staring at her. “My car doesn’t really have that much room so maybe you should.” Bellamy’s tone grows colder and aggressive and Clarke’s hand automatically wraps itself around Lexa’s wrist, who’s face has morphed from the soft one that Clarke has been accustomed to all day into more emotionless and distant.

She’s so hard to read in that state and Clarke hopes her touch is helping. Bellamy really sets her off and she just wants Lexa to be happy today. It’s Christmas Eve, they’re about to do one of her favorite activities, and Clarke… wants to kiss her. She wants to kiss her so badly that it’s practically all she’s been thinking about all day.

The only thing keeping Clarke’s eyes off her mouth is the slow angry tension building between her and Bellamy, as it’s pretty distracting. Not entirely, just enough that Clarke’s brain is fogging over like it has been all day with Lexa’s touch and Lexa’s eyes and Lexa’s laugh and Lexa’s… _mouth_.

“Trust me, even if you were offering, I’d still prefer not to ride with you.” Lexa seems to have little patience for this today, as she has most of the holiday visit and that’s what Clarke was worried about.

Raven watches, the same concern edging across her face that Anya gets, caring just as much for Lexa as the rest of them. “You know what, you’ve been a real bitch this entire holiday and I’m sick of it.” Bellamy snaps and Lexa’s jaw immediately works.

Clarke can always see the moment Lexa’s lost whatever patience she has; it starts in the tension in her shoulders and shifts down to curling fists before it raises up to a clenched jaw and blazing eyes. As hot as Lexa is when she’s angry, it’s the last emotion Clarke wants her to have on Christmas Eve. “That’s enough, Bellamy we can discuss who’s riding where later and-”

Lexa pulls her wrist out of Clarke’s hand abruptly, cutting her off from her sentence and she calls out to her, but Lexa is already leaving. Panic strikes Clarke as she speeds her way through rooms as she can’t help but chase her.

Lexa can’t disappear on Christmas Eve, can’t runaway from her, not now.

It’s worry and annoyance and complete stress that motivates her. Following Lexa out the back door into a snowy yard and her heart lurches deeply inside of her chest as Lexa’s hands tangle in her hair, tugging at the scalp. She only seems to notice Clarke had followed her when she hears the click of the sliding glass door behind her.

Her eyes are glassy, and all Clarke wants to do is wrap her in her arms and tell her she’s not going anywhere, and she’s here for her. But she doesn’t because that’s probably not what Lexa wants or technically needs her to say. Lexa is so flighty when she’s this upset and she’s so easily this upset that Clarke has no idea what the right thing to say is to keep her from leaving her.

_Costia would probably know what to do._

She won’t admit that thought breaks her heart a little bit.

“You should just leave me alone Clarke.” Lexa voice comes out in a mix of vulnerability and annoyance. Feelings she must be perceiving as her being weak, her lack of control only weighs heavy on her and Clarke wants to reach out and be close to her.

She has no idea what the right thing to say is. “I’m not just going to leave you, to runaway in the cold again and get hurt.”

“What’s the point?” Lexa rubs the heels of her hands in her eyes, as if to stop herself from crying, or feeling, Clarke can’t be sure.

“What does that mean?” She asks and is sure the concern colors her tone.

“You should just go and ride with him and be… I don’t know, happy.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, he’s being a real jerk anyway and-”

“Why are you following me?” Lexa’s eyes are blazing still. She’s upset, completely but she assumes that Lexa wishes she wasn’t. Her emotions have been on edge for weeks, maybe months, maybe since Costia. She hates it, she hates that she can’t control them and there’s nothing Clarke can say that will comfort her about that fact.

Clarke feels a nervousness itch its way up her spine and she wonders if she’s alone… all these feelings, all of them are just hers alone. She wonders if Lexa’s change in attitude is just her allowing Clarke to be a good friend. She wonders if she’s been misreading every situation and everything that’s been happening, and it noticeably starts to frustrate her which she can’t imagine is helpful to Lexa’s emotions.

“Lexa what’s going on?” Clarke’s tone moves from patient to defensive out of her own fear that Lexa doesn’t return a single feeling she has and now she’s starting to think, why would she? Clarke’s no Costia, she never was, she never could be.

“What do you think is going on.” The way Lexa looks at her sets her heart into that dangerous and scary pace again and Clarke doesn’t know what she’s supposed to say.

She’s so frustrated with herself, with her own emotions, with Bellamy’s attitude, with Lexa’s hurting she almost wants to be the one to run off into the trees. “That’s what I’m asking Lexa, because you suddenly can’t get far enough away from me and I thought-”

“You thought what?” Lexa sound so angry and Clarke flinches, another reason she won’t take a step closer to her despite how desperately she wants to close the distance and try to fix this.

“I don’t know.” She mumbles quietly, weaker than Lexa must feel.

“You thought I wanted to be with you?” Clarke flinches again at the way she says it, like it’s not a good thing. But the tone of her words is softened by the features of her face that seem to slowly lose its tension. “You thought right.” She practically mumbles it and Clarke thinks if she could hear glass shatter it would be rather fitting.

Her own heartbeat stops this time rather than speeding into unsafe motions. “_Lexa_.” She thinks she forgets how to breathe temporarily at her admission.

“But it doesn’t matter.” Lexa looks conflicted, scared.

But with her words Clarke’s annoyance comes back, feeling just as much. “How could you say that, of course it matters, you’re not even asking me what I think.”

“You don’t want to be with me Clarke.” Lexa’s voice sounds full of pain and anguish and fear.

“You’re just going to make that decision for me?” Clarke responds with even more annoyance, hands moving animatedly with her.

Lexa stares at her a moment and she thinks she’s about to blow up, yell at her for something else she doesn’t understand but than she’s crossing the distance between them faster than Clarke blinks. “Why didn’t you just tell him no?” She asks and it confuses Clarke a second, blinking to try and keep up with her.

She frowns. “I was defusing the situation Lexa, _for you_.” She pokes Lexa’s chest.

“Well I don’t need your help.” She responds, looking just as frustrated.

“What’s your problem, you’re so confusing-” Clarke yelps as Lexa pulls Clarke by the belt loop against her, a protest dying in her throat at the feel of Lexa’s mouth on her own. Lexa’s hand rests against Clarke’s cheek and for a kiss meant to be hard, there’s a softness that distracts every other thought in Clarke’s brain.

Clarke has never kissed Lexa before, and if anyone had asked her at any point in time in the past if she wanted too, she would have said no up until recently. She would have denied ever thinking about it, even acted disgusted.

But Clarke now, she can safely say that she’d refuse for this to be their only kiss.

Lexa’s movements are gentle and thoughtful despite the energy that has shifted between them mere minutes before she had kissed her. Her mouth was warm in an otherwise cold environment and her lips were so soft and Clarke is sure she can’t help the small noise that leaves her throat when Lexa’s tongue brushes against her bottom lip.

Glass shattering is not enough sound for the level of emotions that are erupting in Clarke’s chest. Her own hands tangle in Lexa’s soft hair and she only feels dazed, breathing in deeply when Lexa parts from her only to chase after her lips. Lexa makes her own sound as Clarke takes more control of the kiss, shivering as Lexa opens her mouth to her.

Clarke’s never going to forget this, the way she tastes already searing itself deep into Clarke’s memory and she practically whines as Lexa pulls away from her suddenly. It takes Clarke many seconds to come out of the daze that is Lexa to see the utterly terrified look on the other girl’s face and if she wasn’t so wrapped up and fumbling with her own emotions she would have had enough sense to tell her how everything is going to be alright.

To tell her how she feels, openly and honestly, and tell her that she would wait or do anything that Lexa needed to be comfortable. But she was lost the moment Lexa’s mouth met her own and can hardly choke out a wait as Lexa’s feared eyes leave her own as she sprints off back into the house, practically running as fast as she can to get away from her.

Clarke means to chase her immediately but her hand flies to her mouth, Lexa’s a ghost there now and Clarke can still feel her thundering presences, completely incapacitating her as she tries to make sense of the entire space of time that they’ve known each other.

This feels like it was always meant to happen, and Clarke’s heart will not slow.

“Are you okay? Did she do something to hurt you?” Bellamy’s presence is greatly unappreciated, the daze and cloud of Lexa and her kisses fading as reality presents itself heavily in the gush of cold wind that greets her without her jacket.

Lexa had made her feel so warm but now she’s run, _again_. “Lexa would never do anything to hurt me.” Clarke snaps, unable to help it, defensiveness and sudden worry enveloping her entire body. The more the kiss fades the more the reality of Lexa’s flightiness starts to settle with her, and she rushes past Bellamy to finally do what she should have done the moment Lexa’s legs had carried her away.

“Clarke, what’s you’re problem!?” Bellamy calls after her but she doesn’t bother answering, shutting the sliding glass door on him and rushing through the house, looking for the only person she really wants to talk to right now.

Raven stops her, grabbing her arm gently. “What happened, Lexa left.” She looks concerned, just as worried as anyone always is when it comes to Lexa lately.

Clarke’s heart sinks into her stomach. “Left, where did she go?”

“I don’t know, she didn’t say, she practically ran to her car.”

Clarke’s hands tangle in her hair for a brief moment as stress begins to build inside of her and she’s pulling out her phone, calling Lexa before she can stop herself. She exits out the front door, hoping to still see Lexa’s car there, parked and maybe idle. Maybe she just needed a second, god knows Clarke needed a second. But somehow, she knows that Lexa isn’t going to still be there, and her heart grows heavy as her phone goes to voicemail and she’s left staring at an empty driving space.

She isn’t sure what she’s supposed to do but she suddenly feels like crying.

**Clarke (**_7:39 P.M._**):** Please come back

**Clarke (**_7:40 P.M._**):** we can do whatever you want

**Clarke (**_7:44 P.M._**):** You can’t just kiss me and leave, it’s not fair.

**Clarke (**_7:50 P.M._**):** please

Clarke can’t focus as she squeezes into the truck with her father and Aden, the boy sitting in the uncomfortable middle, his legs getting too long to safely be seated there. “Where’s Lexa?” He asks her and Clarke’s heart lurches, annoyance and concern swirling together at just the mention of her name.

Clarke’s lips still tingle with her kiss and the more she thinks about it the more frustrated she grows. “I don’t know bud.” She says sadly, unable to disguise her disappointment and her own fears.

“Did she runaway again?” He looks sad as he asks and Clarke swallows around a lump in her throat.

“I think she just needed some time to cool off.” Clarke answers quietly. She stares at the driveway again, hoping Lexa will come back suddenly.

“Because of stupid Bellamy again.” Aden’s anger flares at that. “I’ll beat him up.” He huffs and Jake chuckles beside him ruffling his hair.

His eyes settle on Clarke a moment, thoughtful. “I saw Clarke.” He says before starting the truck and putting it in gear.

Clarke frowns. “You saw what?” Her heart speeds up because she isn’t sure what kind of conversation they are supposed to have about it. She doesn’t even really know what’s going on herself, how is she supposed to explain it to someone else?

“You and Lexa, I have to say, took you long enough.” He chuckles, warm as ever and Clarke finds herself slightly comforted by his reaction. She can’t handle questions right now and maybe her father knows that. He’s always been real good at knowing what she needs even if she doesn’t say.

“What does that mean?” Aden asks curiously, not following.

Clarke’s balancing between too many emotions she’s sure she’s about to explode right there in the passenger seat. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Clarke mumbles, brushing a hand through her hair to push it out of her face.

“Sure I do and trust me I approve so don’t worry.” He almost looks elated and Clarke’s starting to wonder if him placing Lexa with her in every situation was a carefully disguised plan and not just simply him trying to make them get along for family peace purposes.

“That’s not what I’m worried about.” Clarke looks out the window as Aden’s hand slips into her own.

“She’s safe, she always is. She’s probably just at the river.” He says in an attempt comfort her. He’s a lot like his sisters in this way.

“The one behind the house?” Jake asks curiously.

“Yeah, Costia and me and Lexa would go there all the time. We do boats on Christmas and see whose boat goes the fastest down the river.” He seems excited about that activity and Clarke sure that’s what he was asking about a few nights ago. Lexa would keep up such a tradition.

Jake looks at Clarke softly, maybe with sympathy. “Do you want to go get her?”

Clarke thinks about it hard and hates herself for being jealous if Lexa ran to a place she’d always go to with Costia. She understands it and the jealousy is irrational but it’s still there because Clarke knows she’s not Costia, Clarke knows she can’t be her. Hell, Lexa probably wouldn’t run away from Costia. “No.” She chokes out. “No, she’ll come home.” Clarke can feel the lump in her throat increase and stares out the window as her father drives slowly, following a line of cars.

The only thing that keeps her from crying is the weight of Aden’s hand in her own, obviously there to comfort her. “She’s been through a lot, not just this year. She just needs some time to process.” Jake responds after a moment of silence.

“So do I.” Clarke mumbles quietly and Jake is comforting as he gives her his gentle smile.

“I would wait for her to come back tonight, it’s Christmas Eve, she won’t leave. Have a talk with her and tell her how you feel.” He encourages and he seems far too invested in this and if Clarke was feeling better emotionally, she might grill him about his interest and even tease him for it.

“What if she just runs away again?” Clarke asks, fear bubbling inside of her heart.

“If I know Lexa, she’ll know better.” He chuckles.

“Wait.” Aden’s voice breaks the conversation apart. “Are you and Lexa girlfriends?” He seems far too excited when he asks that question.

“They should be.” Jake chuckles and parks in front of a house with so many lights that Aden gets distracted from his question, saving Clarke from having to answer him.

If she didn’t love Lexa so much, she thinks she’d want to kill her right about now.

***

To say Clarke isn’t pissed is a lie. She’s pissed. Pissed that Lexa would kiss her and still runaway. Pissed that she made her so worried, yet again, for her safety. Pissed that she spent the entirety of Christmas light looking only thinking about her and staring at her unanswered texts. It was one of Lexa’s favorite activities and she missed it.

So when Lexa finally does come home around eleven at night, Clarke is more than ready to get into a screaming match. She’s got bags as well, plastic bags full of something Clarke has no idea what and the moment she sees her, the only thing that quells the slight anger inside of her is the way Lexa immediately seems to soften.

It's not enough though.

Clarke stands from where she had been sitting on the second stair and Lexa drops her bags by the door as her eyes watch her carefully. She still looks terrified and Clarke is sure yelling at her is just going to make her run again but she almost can’t help it. She’s so annoyed, so pissed, and so deeply in love with her.

“Clearly we need to talk.” She states definitively and Lexa flinches at her tone.

“I don’t want to talk.” She immediately answers and that does nothing to assuage Clarke’s annoyance. It fuels her, aids her into even more anger.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Lexa grows antsy staring at her and immediately walks past her, through the dining room and Clarke is right on her heels this time, chasing her all the way to the kitchen. She not just going to let her run away from every conversation they need to have.

“You can’t just kiss me and runaway, it’s not right.” She tries to disguise the hurt that enters her tone, but she knows it doesn’t work. She doesn’t understand completely why Lexa would run away. She knows there’s factors that need to be considered, that maybe she scared herself or something like that but at the same time; maybe she ran because she thought it was a mistake, because Clarke’s not Costia.

“Maybe kissing you wasn’t right all together.” She can feel the words as if they were hitting her square in the chest and she blinks her eyes many times to try and keep herself from crying, which she’s been on the verge of doing most of the night.

“How is that fair!?” Clarke tangles her hands through her hair, pushing them back due to stress. Lexa watches her, careful, looking just as afraid as before.

“Of course, it’s not fair, I shouldn’t…” Lexa rests her hip against the counter, looking tired and Clarke almost quiets down at the sight but than Lexa is speaking again, and it only worsens Clarke’s mood. “I shouldn’t have done that, not like that I don’t, I can’t-”

“If you’re picking up on my feelings for you and you’re trying to let me down gently you have a terrible fucking way of doing it.” Kissing Clarke and finding out she isn’t what Lexa wants is becoming too much for her to handle.

As much as she wants to take care of Lexa, she can’t do this part. She just can’t. “Of course that’s not what’s happening.” Lexa’s brows furrow together as if she doesn’t understand a single thing Clarke is saying and it doesn’t help in her frustration.

She does another motion of hand through hair before taking in another deep breath. “What am I supposed to think Lexa? You can’t just runaway any time something starts making you feel things.”

Lexa looks away from her, eyes downcast at her hands that tangle together in front of her. She’s nervous. “Maybe it’s safer that I do.” She responds, almost too quietly for Clarke to hear.

“It’s not, it’s terrible because I stay up all night and I worry that you’ve crashed your car or something and what does it mean when someone runs away after kissing you? It means they’re going to tell you something you don’t want to hear-”

“I wanted to kiss you.” Lexa says meekly interrupting her and Clarke just stares at her a moment.

The worry that Clarke wasn’t what Lexa wanted slowly dissipating though still present. “So why did you runaway, was it too much, are you not ready after Costia because I can understand that, this doesn’t have to be…” _this hard_.

“It’s not, I can’t explain it.”

Clarke has the urge to close the distance between them so she can make Lexa look at her, but she doesn’t. If Lexa’s going to keep telling her she doesn’t want whatever sits between them to happen she doesn’t want to get any closer. “Why can’t you at least try so I can understand what’s going on with you better because you can’t keep running away.”

Lexa swallows. “It’s not right.”

Frustration boils over before Clarke can help it. “God Lexa you’re the most stubborn person on this planet, just tell me what you’re feeling, and I will do that same it’s not that hard and-” Clarke’s words get swallowed up again, muffled behind Lexa’s mouth. She wants to shove her back and tell her she can’t kiss the talk they need to have away but she gets distracted by the warmth, by her taste and her gentle touch as it curves around her waist.

Lexa’s lips part from hers briefly, her nose brushing against Clarke’s as she changes the angle, a soft “I’m sorry” escaping past her lips that sounds full of heartache and Clarke can feel all that thunder from earlier return to her chest. She grabs the back of Lexa’s neck and kisses her more forcefully, pouring her worry and her deep feelings for Lexa inside of it so she can feel her before she runs away from her again.

Lexa’s moan when Clarke’s tongue brushes against her own makes her knees weak but than she’s shoving her back and Clarke can feel the panic pile up again at that terrified look returning to her beautiful features. She wants to beg her not to run but her tongue won’t move as the lump in her throat forms.

_Great_. When is she’s going to cry?

Lexa’s eyes are watery too and for the first time in ages of what seems like Lexa almost going to cry in front of her she finally does. Very lightly, tears slipping past glassy eyes and Clarke closes the minuscule distance between them, her hands coming up to her face and gently brushing small tears away. She kisses Lexa’s cheek and then under her eye and then the other and Lexa makes another sound as her hands tangle around Clarke’s waist more firmly and starts to hold on so tightly, like she fears Clarke’s going to disappear, like Clarke’s the one that’s been doing all the running away.

She kisses Lexa again, gentle and slow and Lexa’s hold grows even tighter. Salt from her tears slip into her taste but Clarke is distracted by comforting her and showing her how much she wants her; how much she cares for her. Maybe that’s what Lexa’s so afraid of but she can’t help it and by the way Lexa is suddenly anchoring herself to her she can’t imagine that it’s not something Lexa needs.

Of course, she needs this.

She needs Clarke’s patience as well as her ears, she needs Clarke’s heart and she has it, maybe she’s always had it Clarke can’t be sure. She hasn’t had the time to examine it, but while Lexa kisses her back, crying just barely, she knows now isn’t the place to think about it. Now is for showing Lexa that she’s here for her and always will be.

Lexa shudders into Clarke’s kisses and suddenly the word fragile means a lot more than just what Anya had said those days ago when she had spoken with her about Lexa. She was fragile and terrified and already broken from the world’s inability to treat her right.

_But not anymore._

When Lexa parts from her again, it’s only to breathe, with her eyes still shut and her forehead resting against Clarke’s. “I’m scared.” She mumbles and Clarke is realizing how dark it is in the kitchen because she wishes in this moment, she could better see Lexa’s eyes as they open, even though they’re right in front of her own.

Clarke is as gentle as she can be as she brushes soft brown hair behind Lexa’s ear. “Me too.” She admits and Clarke can feel her heart grow full when she smiles at her. She’s beautiful more so than any Christmas lights or snow covered ground they’ve laid their eyes on this year. Clarke wants to tell her that, wants to admit all of her feelings all at once but instead she only kisses her again.

There’s still a deep fear that Lexa will run but the more Lexa kisses her back and holds onto her so tightly the less she worries. She isn’t even sure how long it all is, how much time they spend just kissing each other lightly and holding onto each other but when Lexa goes to part from her, maybe just for a break the fear returns.

Because she still looks so damn terrified.

She goes to say something else, but Clarke never finds out what as she pushes Lexa against the kitchen counter and swallows whatever sound of surprise the girl releases from her lips. Clarke can’t make Lexa stay or choose her, but she can savor whatever time they might have left like this and she can tell that Lexa wants her by the way she whimpers into her mouth when Clarke’s hands climb up her shirt.

It's biting down on Lexa’s lower lip and caressing curves of a very fit body, skin that goosebumps to her touch that slows Clarke back down because she doesn’t want to take Lexa fast and hard right now, the word fragile still bouncing around in her head. She’s unable to stop thinking about it, it’s all she thinks about as she encourages Lexa to sit on the counter, pressing kisses down a jawline she’s been admiring for weeks.

It’s Lexa’s hands in her hair and the soft breathes she makes in her ear when Clarke kisses around sensitive ears that keeps her at the pace she desires. Lexa’s hips push up against her own as Clarke marks the skin below her ear and she’s shivering and Clarke’s almost afraid that she’s too cold.

She pulls back only briefly to see the cloudy look in her eyes and the request that they move upstairs to their warm bed dies in her throat. She forgets what she was even going to ask looking at her like this. She’s never seen Lexa like this and it’s a sight that’s quickly becoming her favorite.

She shudders herself when Lexa’s fingers brush delicately through the side of her hair. “Clar_k_e,” saying her name like that springs Clarke back into action because the way Lexa says it, so low and breathy and practically desperate turns every nerve ending in Clarke’s body up. She’s kissing her again, hungry but still gentle, fingers still on skin as Lexa anchors herself to her, hips pushing up into her own at every swipe of tongue against tongue.

Clarke’s hand moves down, popping a button on Lexa’s jeans and pulls herself back from hurried kisses to make sure to ask, “is this okay?” She can’t see anything other than Lexa in this world and though a countertop is not the best place for a first time, she can’t find it in her to care, just as long as she can show Lexa how in love with her she is and how well she can take care of her.

“Please,” Lexa mumbles pulling Clarke back to her mouth and with that go ahead, Clarke is gentle as she pushes the zipper down and gently allows her hand to move lower, over the lace of Lexa’s underwear first and she shivers at the knowledge that this is what Lexa’s wearing under these clothes. If she had been more patient, she’d be able to see them before she takes them off, but she just couldn’t wait, could she?

Lexa moans quietly into her mouth as Clarke presses against her over her underwear and Clarke makes sure to keep kissing her just in case Lexa will get louder. She can’t imagine Lexa is loud, but she really doesn’t want to get caught with her hand down Lexa’s pants and that’s just another reason she should probably move this upstairs right now, but than Lexa’s pushing her hips up to try and get friction from Clarke’s hand and she forgets about it again.

“I’ll take care of you.” Clarke mumbles quietly into her mouth and she thinks Lexa holds onto her tighter at that. She knows that a Lexa that would let her do this to her has to trust her and Clarke’s not about to play around with something as huge as that.

Lexa’s moan is just a little louder than the last is swallowed by Clarke’s mouth again as she pushes her hand inside of her underwear. She thinks she also moans as well as she dips into the warmth and wetness that lies in wait for her. Her heart is already pounding but she thinks either it entirely stops or gets even faster as she swipes through all the evidence of how Lexa feels for her.

“You’re so wet.” She whispers against her mouth and pulls back a moment just to see her face, just to make sure she’s okay. She swallows at the blush across Lexa’s face, she almost looks embarrassed but the last thing Clarke wants Lexa to feel right now is embarrassed, so she starts her kisses down her pretty jawline again as she parts wet folds to seek out a firm clit.

Lexa moans, too loud and she must know it because she’s tugging on Clarke’s hair to bring her mouth back to her own, hips automatically meeting Clarke’s circular motions against the sensitive area. She moans and she whimpers, and Clarke has never been so turned on by the sounds someone makes before, she can feel her own wetness ruining her underwear and aching between her legs.

She ignores it because right now she wants to fuck Lexa and all she cares about it making her cum. But she still doesn’t want to do it hard and she stays true to that. Lexa’s legs wrap around her waist and Clarke tries to work with the angle as awkward as it is, wishing these jeans weren’t on so she had more freedom.

She brushes her free hand back under Lexa’s shirt and up under her bra to squeeze a harden nipple and Lexa’s moan grows a bit louder again, making Clarke stop so she can back up and see her again. “Shh,” She mumbles gently, full of affection and Lexa nods, eyes glazed and glassy from something else entire instead of tears.

“Can I take these off?” Clarke asks as she tugs on the belt loop of Lexa’s jeans, her hand still resting against Lexa but no longer touching her. Lexa nods but doesn’t speak, blush still pink along her cheekbones and eyes still glazed, she looks more gorgeous than Clarke has ever seen her, and she knows… she knows this won’t be enough. She already wants to do it again and she hasn’t finished the first time yet.

She pulls her hand from Lexa and the girl whines quietly which only makes Clarke smile at her as she tugs tight jeans down slender and firm legs. God she’s so gorgeous, every piece of her body must have been sculpted and it almost pisses her off. “You’re too fucking pretty.” Clarke grumbles as the jeans fall to the floor and she pulls Lexa’s gorgeous legs back around her waist. With jeans off she can smell her more prominently and almost has a mind to get on her knees but decides against it because not for the first time.

She wants to look into Lexa’s eyes when she falls apart for her, and she’s sure… by the way she feels and the sound she makes and the look on her face she’s not far off from it and Clarke personally can’t wait to see it happen. “Clarke,” her voice gets lost in her throat, so soft and strained against her own desperation and Clarke takes mercy on her immediately.

Now isn’t the time for teasing anyways.

She’s quick to dip her hand back into her underwear but still slows down as she finds the girl’s clit again, she thinks its more firm than just a few seconds ago and Lexa is surely more sensitive crying out the moment Clarke passes gentle swipes over it. Her thighs shake around Clarke’s waist and so she leaves her clit alone, watching her as she gentle enters her with one finger. Lexa’s eyes are open, looking into her own and she’s never seen someone look this good while getting fucked before.

“Clarke,” she says quietly again, another plea and it makes Clarke ache all over.

“I’m here.” She responds gently and kisses Lexa even gentler. Lexa’s hands are back in her hair instead of resting against the edge of the counter and Clarke moves another finger into her, gentle but she takes her easily with how wet she is and Lexa moans in response, quieter but deeper in her throat.

Clarke is as gentle as she’s wanted to be, her thrusts slow as she seeks out the places Lexa finds the most pleasurable. Her thighs shake around her again the moment she presses up into her, curling her fingers against her front wall and Lexa’s lips part from hers entirely, her hips moving to meet every slow movement that Clarke pushes into her.

Her head falls back the moment Clarke’s thumb swipes against her sensitive clit and her thighs shake even more. She can tell by the way that Lexa’s walls start to grow tighter around her fingers, as wet as she is, she’s nearly there and her body is desperate to keep her in. Clarke kisses and bites her way up a delicate neck as she squeezes Lexa’s chest again and pumps her fingers back up into her, swiping her clit in gentle motions and Lexa starts to shake even more.

“Please cum for me.” Clarke requests quietly, pulling her hand out from Lexa’s shirt to hold onto her thigh as Lexa squeezes around her fingers the moment Clarke moves into her again, and Lexa is of course, just as beautiful when she cums. Shaking though she makes no noise, caught in her throat as she holds onto Clarke. Her walls contract and flutter around Clarke’s fingers and she’s so stiff for the longest time and Clarke wonders how long it’s been since someone’s touched her like this.

Clarke still moves inside of her slowly, bringing her down as Lexa’s head rests on her shoulder and her thighs become limper around her waist. She breathes heavily and the air is quiet between them. Clarke wonders what to say or if she should say anything at all, stilling her fingers inside of her. They both look at the oven as it beeps 12:00 A.M. and Lexa giggles, actually giggles in her ear.

“Merry Christmas.” Lexa mumbles, soft and warm and still wet around Clarke’s fingers.

She can’t help that she laughs, turning her head to meet Lexa’s eyes. “Merry Christmas.” She says a lot more gently, completely lovestruck and kisses her because she wants too and can’t help it.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New year everyone, I hope the next decade is good to you. :)

“So, what’s in these?” Clarke mumbles quietly as she helps Lexa pick up bags at the door. She doesn’t peek inside them, but Lexa can see her curiously turning her head to try and view the contents without moving anything around.

Lexa thinks it’s adorable and it makes her smile. “It’s what Aden and I need for tomorrow.” She responds in a gentle tone, eyes careful as they watch Clarke trying to examine the contents of the bags.

“The boat racing thing?” She asks curiously and Lexa looks at her a moment, trying to figure out when she had managed to actually tell Clarke about it. However, Clarke seems to realize this though and gives Lexa an answer to the question she hadn’t asked out loud. “Aden told me in the truck earlier.” She motions with her head toward the door, maybe in the general direction where the truck is parked.

“Oh.” Lexa sighs. “Of course he did.” She chuckles, unbothered by the information of having Clarke know. It’s not as if it really was a big secret and even if it had been at one point, a small hidden tradition, there didn’t seem a reason for it to stay that way anymore.

Clarke adjusts the bags noisily in her hands. “How many years did you guys do that together?”

“Since after my parents.” Lexa doesn’t start going up the stairs first but instead waits for Clarke to step forward and begin the climb to their bedroom.

Lexa follows very closely behind her and if her eyes slip to examine Clarke in other ways, well that can’t be helped. She wants to be as close as she possibly can, the rest of the night becoming a blur mostly as she zones in on only Clarke. “Can I come watch? Not to like race or anything with you but just, watch and be there?” Clarke asks, spinning around once she’s reached the top of the stairs and Lexa takes a second just to look at her again, not that she hasn’t been looking at her this whole time, she’s been doing quite a lot of staring really.

Her hair is messy, probably from Lexa’s hands and she still has that look in her eyes, that heavy and full of meaning look she had given Lexa after the first time they kissed not too long ago. It’s making Lexa’s heart go crazy at any given opportunity, but she can’t help stopping to admire how beautiful Clarke really is. There’s not a light on but she has her own glow and Lexa has to force herself to stop looking at her to make her own brain function long enough to answer Clarke’s question. “Of course, you can come. You can come anywhere with me.” She doesn’t really think about what she’s saying when she says it, but she knows she doesn’t have to think about it to really mean it.

Clarke smiles at her softly, a warmth to her that Lexa craves, and she finishes her own climb up the stairs when Clarke pushes their bedroom door open. She drops the bags next to the closet and Clarke follows suit before Lexa clicks the door shut behind her quietly. For some reason, the click of the door feels like it drowns out the noise of the entire world. All the small insignificant, unnoticeable sounds, going entirely mute when she meets the blue of Clarke’s eyes.

Lexa thinks she’s more scared than she’s ever been but also that she hasn’t ever felt more at ease in someone else presence than she always seems to feel with Clarke. She wants to be with her in every way she’s ever dreamed about and she clearly can no longer fight it anymore. It’s a battle she’s already lost. She isn’t sure she ever really wanted to win, or if it was possible to do so.

If Costia would be okay with this truly, she can’t be entirely sure. If it’s fair to Costia and the life they had once had together, she also can’t be sure. But she can be sure that Costia would have wanted her to be happy and Clarke… Clarke makes her happy which is something she knew before she was gone. Surely, she can be honest about this with Clarke as well, find some way to explain herself even if she doesn’t quite get what she’s supposed to be doing, not entirely.

She thinks if Costia was actually here she would have spent the holiday trying to help her with Clarke, even when and if Lexa didn’t want it. She was already doing that at the end of her life. But Costia isn’t here to help her anymore, and though Lexa would love to press her hands against Clarke’s skin and drown away any of her thoughts with the sounds of Clarke’s breathes she realizes that perhaps she should attempt to open up, just a little bit, before they both get carried away.

Because Clarke’s heavy gaze still hasn’t changed and as the room grows quiet between them Lexa can feel the same charge of energy she had in the kitchen. Clarke has yet to get any release from something that’s been obviously pent up for years between them but Lexa’s trying not to get carried away before she is more open with her. She deserves any openness that Lexa can give her.

Maybe after she makes her first attempt at such a thing, then they can drown out the rest for a little while, if that’s what she wants too. Clarke deserves her honesty. “There’s something I want to show you.” Lexa manages to mumble into the quiet air that sits between them and Clarke is listening, even if her eyes keep staring at her mouth.

“Something that can’t wait for a little while?” She says only to tease, clearly evident by the slight smirk on her lips as she steps into Lexa’s space, which is a lot more distracting than Clarke probably realized. Or she knew how distracting it was and was doing it on purpose, that’s highly possible too.

She tries to smile back but she’s nervous about showing Clarke something so deeply personal. Though there isn’t a better person to see it than her. “Not quite.” She swallows nervously and Clarke must sense this change in energy because her eyes do shift from heavy and teasing to heavy and comforting.

Her fingers cart through the side of Lexa’s hair and the action spreads so much more warmth through Lexa’s chest than it ever has before. She leans into her touch as it caresses her cheek and can’t seem to stop herself from kissing her because she’s right there and in her space and _she’s perfect_.

Clarke’s mouth is warm, and light and her lips are soft, and Lexa just sighs because every daydream of a moment like this doesn’t compare for a second to the way Clarke tastes in real life. She doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to go back to a time where she didn’t have this. “Whatever it is, take your time, I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke mumbles against her mouth and Lexa can feel herself falling impossibly deeper for someone she’s already fallen for.

She takes in a deep breath and forces herself to part from Clarke even though she can hardly stand the minimal distance she places between them to dig into her suitcase. Clarke doesn’t crowd her though; she just sits on the end of their bed and waits patiently until Lexa finds what she’s looking for.

When she does she sits down next to Clarke with her hands on her notebook, an old one, not the oldest but years since the last time she drew in it, full of Clarke in so many directions that she knows how obvious it’s going to be the moment Clarke looks at it. It should have been obvious to her; it was kind of obvious to her when she had found it and was flipping through it again.

She takes in a deep breath and offers it over to Clarke who seems to stare at it thoughtfully for a moment before even touching it. Lexa is incredibly nervous for her to see it but Clarke’s face morphs into a brief look of triumph for a second. “I knew I’d get my hands on this.” She says confidently and it makes Lexa roll her eyes, though does nothing to dissipate her nervousness.

But Clarke is adorable and all it does is make Lexa’s heart grow impossibly fuller. “Shut up.” She mumbles quietly and thinks she stops breathing as Clarke flips the cover of the notebook open.

It’s quiet a moment as she examines doodles on the first page, tracing some of them with her finger and going over the date of the year that Lexa had received and used the notebook and Lexa wonders if she’s going to be this slow going through the whole thing and how long she’ll be able to sit here quietly while she watches her. Clarke flips to the next page, the first real page of the notebook and a small “oh” leaves her lips at the first rough sketch of her that comes into view.

It is really rough, Lexa’s talents are much better now, her art less of a wobbly picture than the ones that sit on those pages that now lie in front of Clarke but the implication and the meaning of it is there. Lexa knows Clarke sees it the moment she looks at it. It couldn’t mean anything else; this notebook explains a lot of things Lexa doesn’t know how to put into words.

Clarke flips the page and Lexa thinks maybe she’s not the only one that isn’t breathing. “The whole thing is like that.” She manages to squeeze out in a small quiet breath. Clarke hasn’t said anything for a few minutes and the quietness is only making Lexa uneasy.

She’s so completely scared, almost shaking as Clarke keeps going. “It’s all me?” She questions eventually and Lexa feels like it’s the most significant question in the whole world.

She hesitates because she’s afraid of her own vulnerability, but she eventually gives Clarke her truthful answer: “Yes.”

“And the date is-”

“When I started drawing in it. I have more. But this is the only one that’s just you. Others you’re in but before this one, it’s mixed and after it’s a lot of scenery too.” She swallows the lump in her throat getting impossibly bigger. “I thought it was the best one to… to show you.” She’s going to cry, she hates that she’s going to cry, now isn’t the time to be so weak but when Clarke meets her eyes, she can’t help it and presses into her space again to gently wipe away her tears. “I love you.” She admits quietly and hopes the world doesn’t actually explode now that she’s muttered it out loud.

Even if the evidence of her feelings sits open in Clarke’s lap, voicing them is even scarier and Clarke has never quite looked at her like this before… maybe just as scared as she is, and well… why shouldn’t she be? “And you’ve felt this way for… _years_ and didn’t tell me?” Clarke teases, that’s what it’s meant to be, and it makes Lexa give a wet chuckle, stuck between a small sob and a genuine laugh.

“It’s been… confusing.” Lexa rubs her eyes and Clarke smiles at her, hands holding onto her notebook carefully. “I’m _scared_.” She practically whispers it, a confession she’s already made but she doesn’t think she could say it enough times if she’s honest with herself.

A piece of her assumes that maybe Clarke will always terrify her. You can only lose so many people you love in one lifetime before you start to grow scared of getting close to people, and though Clarke was impossible not to get close too, she has never quite felt an emotion this big. “Me too.” Clarke gives her a genuine smile when Lexa looks into her eyes again and she can understand her being afraid too.

This must be a little bit too big for the both of them.

“Before Costia died she kept trying to get me to tell you and admit it but I wouldn’t listen to her.” The guilt she feels surrounding Costia isn’t going to be easy to explain and she fears Clarke reaction to it, but she has to at least try to have this conversation. She does know that.

“Then it was about me you were talking about outside.” Clarke’s look of triumph comes back, meant to lighten the mood, and it does a little. It manages to make Lexa laugh but that laugh is short lived, dying off quickly with the many racing thoughts inside of her own head.

She just has to get this stuff out; she has to go for it now or she’s not sure she’ll ever have the courage to do it again. “After she died, I’ve felt… guilty that I wasted her life having her chase me when I wanted you. I didn’t realize it but…” She grows quiet as she tries to think of the right words to say for something that always feels so big inside of her chest.

Clarke has always been so quick to comfort her though, even if that’s not exactly what she’s going for when it came to sharing this with her. “Hey, I really don’t think Costia saw loving you as a waste of her life.” Clarke’s hand grips her own. “She would have felt lucky to have loved you. And you loved her. Even if it wasn’t…” Clarke’s hand smooths over the notebook in her lap. “quite in the same way you may have thought.” It’s silent between them just for a minute, both of them processing new information, much too large for one night but still there between them anyway. “Do you think, it’s only harder because she’s gone, and you can’t talk to her about it?”

Lexa nods her head briefly; she knows she’s still crying but Clarke’s presences and understanding ear are soothing. “I want to be with you.” She admits softly after the quiet lingers between them again, a want that’s been present with her for what has probably been years. Yearning and pulling and now Clarke sits next to her, holding her hand and the evidence of her heart in her other hand and it’s scary but it’s also calming in a way Lexa will never be able to explain.

“I want to be with you too.” Clarke responds. “So much, but if you’re not ready-”

“I’m ready.” Lexa says abruptly, probably so fast that it startles Clarke, who’s eyes seem to widen at her sudden jolt of energy. “I know I might not seem like it but I am. I want you.” She doesn’t think there was ever a time in her life that she had been more truthful and more vulnerable than this moment right here.

Clarke’s touch on her face is gentle but Lexa is still afraid she’s going to tell her the opposite of what she’d like her to say. “I love you too.” She says quietly, she’s just as afraid as Lexa but her words are honest, and her eyes are full of conviction. Even if Lexa does not deserve this, she’s going to savior it while it lasts, while Clarke wants to be with her too.

Relief bigger than she’s ever known floods her chest and she kisses her, terrified that this moment will disappear into some dream and that she’ll wake up soon still pining and still far away from this designated goal. But Clarke kisses her back just as fully and she feels real and tastes real and Lexa has never been more soothed by a person in her whole life than she is by Clarke Griffin and she spends the rest of their very early Christmas morning showing her with absolute certainty how she feels.

***

Lexa grumbles quietly at the loud banging on their door, snuggling closer into Clarke’s neck as if trying to hide from the fact that real life and daylight are inevitable. It makes Clarke giggle because though Lexa has always sort have been a secret cuddlier, she hasn’t quite always been this open about it, or this reluctant to meet the sunrise. Though since Lexa has hardly slept, perhaps this time it’s a bit understandable.

They were up too late to be woken up this early and the only reason Clarke isn’t grumble as much as the brunette that is practically glued on top of her is because she hasn’t actually gone to sleep, maybe for a solid thirty minutes, but other than that she’s been unable too. So much has happened, and Clarke has had little time to truly process it. She’s not exactly going to get the time she needs to process it today either, since it’s Christmas and she’s going to be half asleep for most of it, but she can still try to get some of that in. “It’s Christmas get up!” Aden shouts into the door, banging on it again and again and again until Lexa releases another annoyed grumble, breath puffing against the skin on Clarke’s neck.

As interesting as a grumpy Lexa is, she’s sure that Aden isn’t a patient boy and she doesn’t exactly want the youngest Woods to barge into their room while the both of them look like this. “He’s going to burst through the door if we don’t get up.” Clarke mumbles a lot softer than Aden’s loud yelling and continuous banging in an attempt to soothe Lexa’s frustrated brain.

She makes no attempt at moving off Clarke, however. “Why don’t we have a lock?”

“LEXA!” Aden yells and bangs more. Clarke would laugh but she finds that she’s slightly annoyed by it as well, though she adores the kid, she can’t help but wish she had more time to quietly admire the fact that Lexa was sleeping against her with absolutely nothing on.

Her hands already itch to re-trace tattoos she’s spent most of the night already tracing. Lexa sits up, looking grumpy and absolutely messy with her hair as wild as ever and it’s possibly one of Clarke’s favorite versions of Lexa that she’s ever had the privilege of witnessing “We’ll be out in a second!” Lexa calls out to him and seems grateful that her words appease him, the banging stops and they can both hear his feet thumping down the stairs. “What time is it?” Lexa asks groggily, rubbing her eyes and yawning halfway through the question.

Clarke feels tremendous effort in tearing her eyes away from Lexa just for a second to glance at her old clock on her nightstand. “Eight.” She almost whispers as if to not disturb the Lexa she is currently witnessing and that brings a sigh from the very girl that Clarke can’t help but smile at.

She drowns in green eyes and chapped plump lips, an urge to tug the bottom one between her teeth when Lexa offers it out in a pout. “I don’t want to get up.” She whines slightly looking down at her and Clarke’s heart thumps that unhealth rhythm.

“Me either.” She pushes gentle hands through her incredibly messy hair and feels air leave her lungs when Lexa smiles at her, genuinely big and bright. The kind of smile that no one else will ever get to see besides her, and that makes her feel special. “Good morning.” She practically whispers as she sits up to press a kiss to the corner of Lexa’s mouth.

Lexa shudders as if it’s the first touch she’s ever received. “Aden can wait right?” Her voice drops, lower, quiet and her hands comes to caress Clarke’s jaw carefully to pull their mouths together in a kiss that should be chaste but takes little time to expand into something too massive when they have no time for it.

“I think he might actually break our door down.” Clarke chuckles against her mouth in an attempt to pull herself away as much as get Lexa to motivate more.

Lexa waves a hand at the door before tangling it back in Clarke’s hair. “Let him then.” She says with a heavy sound to her tone before kissing her again, tongue brushing against her bottom lip and making Clarke moan when she opens her mouth for her.

She pushes Lexa back, just barely. “Pretty sure you’re state of undress would traumatize him for life.” She makes another attempt though her own resolve is crumbling quickly. Clarke truly has no energy left for this, but she thinks she could spend a lifetime just kissing Lexa.

Lexa pouts slightly before completely pulling herself away from Clarke. “It’s cold.” She whines and Clarke is inclined to agree, feeling the iciness of her bedroom when Lexa’s body is not pressed up so closely to her own.

“You’re so pouty.” Clarke teases following Lexa as she climbs out of the bed to pull on a sweater, covering up her body which Clarke finds herself incredibly disappointed by. So maybe she disrespects such an action immediately by climbing her hands up her sweater, as if she wants to pull it back off, which she does. Lexa’s body is something that had to have been hand crafted by a special being and a few hours for one night is hardly enough time to worship it.

“We’re supposed to be putting clothes on.” Lexa chuckles in response, turning around to meet Clarke’s distracted eyes.

“Hmm,” Clarke mumbles innocently and Lexa green eyes practically twinkle into her own. She has never looked this happy, not in years. “We should shower first and then you can dress.” Clarke sighs as if the idea of Lexa in clothes disappoints her because well, it does, entirely so. “I guess. I’m sure our family would appreciate it if you were wearing clothes.” She shrugs and that makes Lexa laugh. Clarke is grateful that Lexa allows her to tangle her fingers with her own, holding her hand to drag her to the bathroom.

They can at least get a few minutes in there.

***

They can’t help it.

That’s what Lexa thinks as Clarke’s fingertips brush against a clothed knee. They can’t help it, really, when Lexa carefully touches Clarke’s waist as she’s squeezing past her into the kitchen to make her coffee for her. They can’t help it when Clarke practically falls into her lap on the floor by the fireplace when everyone is ready to rip into gifts. Can’t help it when Clarke kisses her cheek after opening her giftset of expensive paintbrushes and really can’t help it when Lexa takes her time examining the piece of art Clarke had gotten for her much different from last year’s gag gift.

The only thing they seem to stop themselves from doing, is making out in front of everyone, but eyes linger and so do touches so they practically might as well be doing that very thing. They can’t seem to help it at all, as if something locked in a cage for years has suddenly been given freedom, it’s absolutely impossible to tame. And that’s what Anya says to them when she sits down beside them at breakfast.

“I’d say get a room, but you already have one, so maybe go to it.” And of course Jake walks into the room just at that moment and immediately looks at them because their separate seats honestly couldn’t get any closer to one another and it’s not like he doesn’t know when he already seems more clued in than anyone else and probably has known for so long that this would happen.

“Who should get a room?” Aden pipes up behind him, having followed Mr. Griffin since he was holding onto his new Lego set, examining the box. Aden was more than eager to get into it, only holding off to play one of the new video games Anya had gotten for him first.

“Clarke and Lexa.” Raven pops into the room too, eyes twinkling as she sits down next to Anya.

Clarke glares at them in a far too adorable way and tangles her hand with Lexa’s under the table. “You can all shut up, it’s Christmas, I don’t deserve this.” She grips her cup and sips her coffee as if she’s brooding but Lexa can see the quirk of her smile and the urge to lean down, push her cup aside, and kiss her increases heavily.

She’s being obvious about it because her sister scoffs next to her, breaking her out of her daze of staring at Clarke’s mouth as it wraps around the edges of her mug. “You’re gross.”

“You’re gross!” Lexa reacts, shoving her slightly.

“Is this about Clarke and Lexa being girlfriends?” Aden asks with too much excitement, eyes lighting up.

“Clarke and Lexa are girlfriends?” Octavia asks as she comes into the room to sit for breakfast as well and Lexa can’t help but groan, shrinking down and tangling herself around Clarke, burying her face in the curve of her neck to try and hide from this quickly unfolding situation. If they can’t hide it, why try? Not that they had properly confirmed the label “girlfriend” but it’s what Lexa wants, and it seems to be what Clarke wants, so what can be done?

“When did this happen?”

“Last night.” Clarke answers strongly and Lexa sighs slightly when she feels Clarke’s lips press against her temple. “Now let’s stop acting like this is such a surprise and eat please.”

“Right, let’s not crowd the couple.” Jake’s grin matches Aden in childlike excitement and Clarke laughs when Jake gives Lexa a pat on the shoulder as if to say, “good job champ”.

“Crowd the couple?” Bellamy trickles in with everyone else. Eyes curiously wide on the both of them but Lexa finds that what would normally annoy her on an unavoidable scale suddenly feels so small in comparison to the way Clarke’s hand holds her own and Clarke’s side presses into her own and Clarke lips linger on her ear after she mumbles a joke about overly involved family.

“Yeah, they’re girlfriends now.” Aden says triumphantly standing next to him, practically bragging and it lifts the corners of Lexa’s mouth up because… she really does love that kid.

Bellamy immediately deflates at the situation, and slumps into a chair next to his sister looking as if someone just stole the last piece of his favorite pie. Clarke seems to care even less than Lexa and kisses her cheek as if to emphasis her new position. Raven throws a piece of cut up fruit at them and feigns gagging noises but otherwise, Lexa can’t remember a time in recent years that she’s had a better morning or has even felt as happy as she does in this very moment.

She’s about ready to pray to someone that it never goes away.

***

“I’m going to wear my new boots.” Aden says as he excitedly runs back into the living room to grab them. Clarke watches after him with an admiring chuckle and Lexa watches her, she’s always aware of it because Lexa has this way of looking at her almost like she’s the only person in the world that exists, and while it’s scary and can feel overwhelming, it’s also exhilarating at the same time. Clarke isn’t quite sure which emotion is more powerful in that scenario.

“So, where’s the finish line for these boats?” Clarke asks as Lexa brushes fingertips through the side of her hair, staring at her far too openly for standing in the hallway by the front door. She knew today would be different but it’s escalating a little quicker than she had expected, and she has yet to catch her breath.

“There’s a tree.” Lexa grabs Clarke’s jacket and carefully helps her into it, wordlessly, almost as if it’s some sort of old habit and in a way it is. Far before last night Lexa had done something as small as this so often, probably since high school. Clarke was soothing nightmares and Lexa was always doing things like this in return. “Two actually, directly across from each other on the river, like perfectly symmetrical. Costia spray painted a red line across them forever ago.” Clarke turns and her hands move to zip the jacket up but fall away when Lexa seems to automatically do it for her.

“You know Lexa, I’m pretty sure Clarke knows how to dress herself. You’ve got a thing for putting jackets on her.” Anya teases, her mood appearing lighter than it normally does. She’s often this way on Christmas day alone, but Clarke is still always happy to see the oldest Woods sibling enjoying herself. The two sisters have the same habit of looking miserable far too often, mostly due to losing their parents so young yet old enough for that pain to stick with them every day, unlike Aden who had only been a baby and only knows what his birth parents look like through the many photos shown to him by Anya and Lexa and Clarke’s parents.

“Leave her alone.” Clarke defends before Lexa can speak, the pink tint that begins on her cheekbones is distracting, but Lexa has been putting jackets on her for a long time, far longer than their newly founded relationship. That thought makes her think about Lexa’s notebook that sits on the nightstand on the side she sleeps, and she wonders if she had only been blind to Lexa’s love language growing up.

Clarke slips into her own boots but is aware of Lexa’s hands as they rest on her waist, almost as if they’re afraid to stop touching her and she wonders what Lexa has been thinking all day with the watchful eyes of their family. Something new has blossomed and there hasn’t been that much time to grow quite used to it yet.

Maybe Clarke’s just afraid that Lexa will decide that all of this is just too much for her and she’ll split before Clarke has the chance to comprehend it herself. But Lexa seems just as afraid of her disappearing, her hold only tightening when Clarke’s focus isn’t on stuffing her feet into boots anymore. “When will you guys be back?” Anya asks, eyes seeming to take them in for their attachment, an attachment that can’t be helped.

“Probably an hour. You know the longest part is Aden designing his boat.”

“I have a more superior design this year, I will definitely beat you.” He says confidently jaunting back into the entryway. His eyes twinkling and Clarke winds up reaching for him to wipe chocolate off his cheek which he attempts to shrug away from despite letting her do it.

“Be careful out there.” Anya touches her sister’s shoulder lightly; a small squeeze and the pair meet each other’s eyes and seem to be having a silent conversation between themselves. Clarke isn’t sure what they’re trying to say to each other, but it makes Lexa smile and all Clarke can seem to care about is that Lexa is happy, that she and everyone else is making her happy.

She knows she going to do whatever she can to keep that smile on her face.

***

Aden keeps explaining every intricate detail there could be to his little water boat as he makes it. He’s excited that Clarke’s here, she can tell and so can Lexa. Clarke imagines that he misses Costia a lot as well. She’s careful though, not wanting to intrude on something that doesn’t belong to her, but she likes watching Aden and Lexa do things together. She always has. Lexa is careful and gentle with Aden in a way that she is quite with anyone else. Even the gentleness Clarke experiences from her she believes is just slightly different and Clarke thinks that special for all of them.

Aden is bragging and as over the top as his sisters about his boat and all Lexa can do is roll her eyes at him. But there’s a fondness to her expression despite it that Clarke can’t help but find endearing. Aden tries to impress Clarke with his artistic abilities, showing off clearly ten-year-old doodles that she lies and says are really good to make him even more confident.

Lexa doesn’t do this however; her art takes precision and time and she scrunches up her brows in the same way she had done when she was decorating their cookies after baking them. She doesn’t show it off but rather tries to avoid showing it even to Aden as she walks to the river with it. Lexa is shy about her art, that’s something that Clarke is quickly learning about her when she had thought she knew practically everything.

She steps forward, still unsure if her closeness will count as intruding but as Aden stands beside Lexa she has a desire to actually see which boat wins and soars past the ugly unmeasured red line down the river. “Don’t cheat Lexa, it’s on three.” Aden says firmly, as if Lexa has ever cheated against him a day in his ten year old life.

“On three or after three?” She teases intentionally just to irritate her little brother who glares at her much in a similar fashion to Anya. Sometimes Clarke thinks it’s crazy how much Aden can look like the both of them at any given moment. They all look like their parents though, which is something that Abby and Jake mention on their own very often.

“On three!” He tries to shove her, but Lexa barely moves, clearly much stronger than him. Clarke’s eyes map out a body she had taken some time to memorize last night before she shakes the thoughts off, thinking they’re too inappropriate for this kind of moment.

“One,” She hovers over the small river with her boat watching Aden scramble into position to make sure they start off in exactly the same place on exactly the right time. “Two,” she makes a show like she’s going to drop her boat then and Aden glares at her again.

“Don’t cheat! I’m going to win!” He squeals slightly, pitchy-ness of a small child’s voice but Lexa is unphased by it where Clarke slightly winces.

Lexa chuckles and as soon as she says three the both of them drop their boat in the water. Aden chases them all the way down the river, screaming that his is in the lead. It is in the lead, a bit further than Lexa’s and Clarke expected to see her care about losing more but she doesn’t seem to be even the slightest bit bothered by it. “Oh no!” She’s faking, entirely, and Clarke notes that of course it’s only Aden that would manage to kill Lexa’s competitiveness, even if she’s trying to be secretive about it toward him.

Aden chases their boats all the way past the red line and screams his victory, dancing and wiggling his entire way back to her. “I win and you lose, loser.” He taunts but Lexa still seems unbothered by this reality.

She’s good at faking her heartbreak over the situation though. “How will I ever go on?” She replies dramatically and Clarke can’t help but laugh at that one.

“I am the superior sibling, tell Anya.” Aden continues to dance silly and ridiculous and Lexa’s admiration of his dorkiness has Clarke’s heart doing that far too quick of a beat thing she can’t seem to make stop happening.

She has a slight feeling she may be dealing with this for a long time.

“You’re pushing it little buddy.” She responds, clearly still unbothered by Aden’s cockiness.

Clarke joins in because she can’t help herself. “I knew Aden was always my favorite.” At this, Lexa swings around looking absolutely horrified.

“What?” Her pout and her sad looking eyes almost make Clarke take her words back and give in but Lexa’s doing it on purpose, so she holds her ground. If there’s one thing that will never change between them, it’s this.

Aden is a great help in strengthening Clarke’s resolve as well. “That’s right, she’s my girlfriend now.” He squeals excitedly as he runs up and grabs Clarke’s hand to start tugging her back to the house. He’s overjoyed with his win, perhaps overjoyed with everything, it is Christmas after all, and he’s had quite a bit of sugar from his stocking candy.

“Hey!” Lexa calls after them, a true pout on her face now. “You can’t steal girlfriends that’s against sibling code.” She isn’t quite as upset as she’s trying to play off, and for once Lexa’s amused smile sits practically stamped on her face, as if she’s unable to hide it.

“You should have thought about that before you lost!” Aden taunts still holding Clarke’s hand. This seems to be the breaking point for Lexa’s own resolve though, and Aden starts shrieking when Lexa runs up and picks him up, tearing his hand away from Clarke’s and spinning him around. Lexa has far more strength than Clarke really realizes sometimes, as Aden isn’t as lightweight as he was just last year.

She dumps him into a pile of snow, gently of course, and he giggles hysterically. “When you can do that to me then you can steal my girlfriend.” There’s something about how it’s said this time that makes Clarke stop walking as she watches them. She isn’t sure what it is, if she needs time to get used to the word in reference to her, or if it’s the fact that she’s already used to it and that she could probably hear it a thousand more times without it sounding unnatural that really scares her.

She doesn’t have the time to think about it. Not really, as Lexa and Aden had been spending Clarke’s time of her spacing out planning their own attack together and Clarke finds herself quickly running away from flying snowballs. She doesn’t make it to the safety of the house, but instead is tackled to the ground by Lexa herself who spends a moment combing snow out of her hair despite Clarke lying in it.

Clarke would probably kiss her and drown in another moment that strings itself out between them, but Aden is quickly to tackle the both of them, disrupting the moment to create a different one. One that has Lexa laughing fully, one that has Clarke feeling more than she ever has and she thinks she’ll spend the rest of her life remembering a moment like this and probably wishing she could live in it forever.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, but maybe you'll see this version of these two for future holidays. :)  
Enjoy the final chapter. Thank you so much for reading. <3

“We should definitely do something big with it!” Aden says excitedly as Lexa is tugging off her own boots and peeling off wet snow-covered clothes. “I’m thinking we combine sets and make a massive city!” He uses his arms, spreading them out as wide apart as they’ll go to try and emphasis what he means by “massive” and it makes Clarke laugh at him.

Lexa doesn’t quite laugh but she’s got a wide grin on her face to show her amusement. “Can you let me get warm first?” She seems to reason; she’s not shivering in the slightest, but Lexa’s always handled the temperature seemingly better than Clarke.

“It’s warm in the living room by the fire!” He says excitedly and starts climbing stairs. “Let me get all my Lego sets!” He calls down already practically at the top and Clarke laughs again.

“He’s really dying to build the new one he got for Christmas.” She smiles warmly at Lexa.

“Next he’ll want to make a village in Minecraft.” Lexa sighs as if she’s tired but her affection for her brother still shows clearly on her face.

“You like Minecraft.” Clarke laughs at her.

“Lexa can you help me!” Aden calls down the stairs again before they both hear a thump and a little “damn it” come from him, quieter as to not get in trouble but he’s clearly struggling.

“Go save him.” She pushes on Lexa’s arm lightly to encourage her to go and feels her heart flutter when Lexa grins widely at her, stepping into her personal space.

“Don’t want to build with us?” She pouts slightly and it’s adorable and cute and Clarke, though not a big Lego person, is tempted to say she’d love to.

But she thinks they could use a little time apart for her own self-reflection. They both have had a lot to deal with today. “No, go have fun.” She sighs slightly but Lexa’s fake pout just morphs into a pretty grin before she leans in to kiss her and Clarke’s heart does that fast, wild beat thing she’s still not used to as she instinctively cups a hand on Lexa’s jaw.

Lexa’s kisses hold a gentleness to them that Clarke has not quite experienced with anyone else, and it’s just something else that makes her feel special. “See you in a bit.” Lexa breathes against her mouth, quiet, like this goodbye is a secret between them before she gently parts from Clarke to run up the stairs and help Aden handle his dropped Legos.

Clarke watches her go and her stomach turns as she tries to comprehend how and why this all feels so easy and natural to her. She thinks it shouldn’t even though if she really thinks about it, it makes sense for it too. They’ve known each other for years and everything they’ve done has always come naturally to the both of them. She still can’t quite pinpoint the exact moment that she started to actually see it all, not generally, but she’s starting to think that’s not what it’s supposed to be about.

It's supposed to be what’s in front of them now, and right now, what’s in front of Clarke is a smirking Dad and Raven who’s wiggling her eyebrows because they bore witness to a side of Lexa they hardly ever see. A side of Lexa that feels like it belongs to Clarke only, a side that Clarke has the desire to protect and nurture and she doesn’t quite know what she’s supposed to do about everybody’s eyes on them all the time. She doesn’t think it’s good for Lexa’s flighty nature but that could just be her own fear talking.

So, Clarke takes this opportunity to gain some alone time, to get some perspective. So after changing into something warmer and not snow-soaked and freezing her to death, she gets a warm cup of hot chocolate and goes to make her way toward the back door to sit out there and contemplate for a little while, just by herself.

She’s not out there even two seconds before someone’s coming to join her and though it makes her want to grumble a little bit, she almost expected it. Plus, she can forgive the intrusion since it’s Raven and she’s sure Raven has questions and maybe Raven’s questions will allow her to think about things a little more clearly.

“Running away blondie?” Raven teases, taking a seat next to her as Clarke sips some of the hot chocolate she had made before her exit, comforted by the warmth that comes from it.

“Not exactly, just need space.” Clarke sighs, looking out at the trees where they’ve played many family games.

Raven hums in acknowledgement but doesn’t say anything right away, as if she’s leaving room for the quiet to accompany them in their conversation. “So, what happened? Are you going to tell me?” She finally asks.

“I think the real question here, is are you going to tell me?” Clarke perks an eyebrow up and Raven’s supportive grin drops slightly to playfully glare at her.

“Not fair, the deal was you share then I share.” Clarke chuckles at that and shakes her head.

“See I sort of have shared with everyone really, so I think that changes things a little.”

Raven glares at her, eyes squinting but Clarke just gives her an innocent grin before she’s huffing in agreement. “Fine.” She adjusts in her seat, slumping down slightly and looking off into the trees herself. “Anya and I… we were kind of dating for a while.”

“No way!” Clarke gasps dramatically and Raven rolls her eyes.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” She scolds and Clarke chuckles before reigning herself in.

“Okay, okay, sorry. Go on.” She motions with her hand for her to continue which gets a small smile out of Raven.

“It wasn’t… it was meant to not be serious. That was the point at first. She told me last year after we we’re sharing some wine Mr. G had completely forgotten about, that she’s had this crush on me for years or something and it’s kind of just… started from there.”

Clarke releases another dramatic gasp. “You stole my dad’s wine!”

Raven rolls her eyes. “Focus Clarke, jeez.”

Clarke brushes off her eye roll, adjusting in her seat to cross a leg over the other, sipping more of her drink. “I’m guessing it didn’t stay, _not serious_.” She inquires easily, following along with the things Raven isn’t saying.

“Well… that’s… where it gets complicated to explain. To me, it kind of came out of the blue. She just told me she loved me and I… panicked a little bit. I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to say at first but Anya just… you know Anya.” Raven sighs, running a hand through her hair. A certain level of stress sits on her shoulders in relation to this situation.

“She didn’t take your panic very well.” Clarke theorizes as Raven shakes her head in response.

“Honestly I don’t think she handled saying it herself very well. I don’t think she even meant to say it at the time and then she said it and then she was just staring at me looking as surprised as I felt and then… I don’t know, now we’re here.” She shrugs, almost as if defeated by this outcome.

“Where’s here?” Clarke asks quietly.

“Not really talking about it. I don’t know. You know I’m not… the most open with this kind of thing. I like to keep things private, but Anya took my silence to mean a lot more than it actually did. Though, it’s kind of my fault cause my silence wasn’t just like a few minutes, it was… a bit too long.” She flinches as she says it.

“How long is too long?”

Raven flinches more. “Like two months.”

“Two months!? Hold on, Anya says she loves you and you say nothing for two months?” Clarke questions in bewilderment.

“Pretty much.” Raven brushes a hand down her face. “But it’s fine, I don’t need a lecture, we talked about it.”

Clarke stares at her. “When did you talk about?”

“Um, yesterday.” Raven plays with her own fingers.

“Wait does that mean?”

“No.” Raven chuckles. “Not quite, I mean I don’t know maybe.”

“What about Luna?” Clarke just realizes and Raven chuckles.

“Yeah, well we’re not really dating or anything. She just needed somewhere to go and we’re basically friends. I’ve told Anya that too.”

Clarke sighs heavily and looks back out to the trees again to think about what she’s been told. She frowns a bit before asking: “Why didn’t you talk to me about any of this?”

“You know me, the only reason Lexa knew anything was because Anya told her stuff.” Raven shrugs. “I’m just private about it, that’s all.”

“Well you’re an asshole. Lexa wouldn’t even peep a single thing.” Clarke pouts.

“Honestly, I’m surprised you couldn’t get it out of her. I guess Woods loyalty cross no bounds.” Raven chuckles.

“Well, you know they’ve been through a lot.”

“Okay, you’re turn, how did it happen?”

Clarke takes in a deep breath before she goes off into a story, starting at the beginning of the trip when she got to see Lexa gain, splitting off into different tangents throughout shared childhoods. She talks too much she thinks but Raven listens and makes comments and even interjects thoughts whenever she feels like and Clarke finds that it’s nice to share about this with someone else.

***

They talk for probably an hour maybe longer about Clarke’s feelings for Lexa and Raven tells her about catching Lexa making her breakfast. Though Clarke had planned to contemplate their current situation she still finds it a bit of relief to say things out loud to Raven that she’s been keeping inside her own head most of the time she’s been home.

When they come back in from the porch, Clarke still just as cold as she was after the snow-fight she finds herself hovering near the fireplace as her father boasts loudly about Polar Express, clicking through their TV to put the movie on. Nearly everyone is in the living room now, sitting around with wrapping paper still strewn about and the beginning of Aden’s Lego city stretching in front of the tree.

It's a calm setting for Clarke. But that calmness gets interrupted with Clarke’s curiosity as she notices, that though the evidence of Lexa’s efforts on the Lego city lie along the floor, Lexa is not in the room, and after spending a good hour gushing about her, Clarke feels she’d like to see her. “Where’s Lexa?”

“Your girlfriend is in the kitchen I think.” Anya says levelly, a small tease though it’s said in her usual indifferent tone.

“She’s getting me juice.” Aden pipes up helpfully, swinging his legs in her dad’s favorite chair. She knows her father will undoubtably move him when he’s ready to sit but Aden is still small enough that he could get lost in the chair and Clarke can’t help but find it kind of cute.

“Okay.” She responds before making her way across the living room to find Lexa. She’s ready to sit down with her, preferably somewhere near the fireplace, and maybe fall asleep against her again, Lexa is always so comfortable that way. And if this all feels natural, it shouldn’t be something she’s fighting, right?

She stops around the entrance to the kitchen, her mother’s hushed angry tone surprising her. “Do you not remember what we discussed?” Abby asks and Clarke can’t remember a time she’s ever heard her be this harsh with Lexa before.

“Maybe you were wrong.” Lexa says softly, the quietness of a child being scolded.

“You’re not good for Clarke and you know that.” It doesn’t take long for Clarke to make her presences known after that, already having sensed Lexa’s vulnerability.

“What’s going on here?” She asks and Lexa looks at her immediately. She hopes her presences is at least a little bit comforting to her. Her mother looks surprised to see her there, unable to say anything at first. “Sounds like you were just trying to dictate who I should and shouldn’t be with again.” Clarke says annoyed, since her mother’s been nosy in her romantic affairs since she started dating.

Abby does her usual heavy sigh she does when she disapproves of something Clarke has done, which is often. “Clarke, you know that this can’t work?”

Clarke is taken aback by this, feeling as if this is coming out of nowhere. She steps up closer to Lexa in an attempt to guard her from her mother’s suddenly judgmental attitude. “This is Lexa? I expect this when it’s anyone else but not about Lexa.”

“Clarke…” Her mother huffs. “I understand you’ve always been, rebellious in a sort of way, but don’t you think you’re a little old to keep doing things you shouldn’t?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” She’s vaguely aware that Lexa is rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hands, obviously having to have listened to enough of Abby’s badgering before Clarke had even gotten there.

“If you want to date girls, you know I’ve been… quiet about it but do you really see a future there?” Abby’s eyes only convey that she believes in what she’s saying and Clarke scoffs at her demeaning tone.

“How could you say that? You never said that about my last girlfriend.”

“I knew that wasn’t going to work but-”

“This is unbelievable.” Clarke interrupts, growing uninterested in the things her mother is saying to her, in front of and too Lexa, who deserves far more than anything she’s currently been given. But Clarke would fight for her in any given situation.

“Lexa’s been through a lot, and I just think it’s a lot for you to have to handle.”

“Excuse me, this doesn’t seem like my argument anymore.” Lexa’s hand touches her own to quietly comfort Clarke with her departure but when Clarke looks at her she watches her jaw twitch and knows Lexa is trying to control her own emotions, being in the same room as this conversation isn’t going to help her.

She understands but she still worries, worries she won’t be able to find her once she handles the rest of this for them. “Lexa is a great person, and you think taking her in after her parents that you would have already seen that.”

“Lexa is bright, and a very smart girl, but she’s been leading a dark life. It’s not good for you to be around that. I can get past the girl thing, but Lexa has a lot of issues.”

“Lexa has no more issues than you do.” Clarke scoffs. “Why did you even invite Kane here?”

Abby grows angry at the mention of the other man. “Clarke don’t do that.”

“Why, what you’re doing?” Clarke shakes her head and looks past her to try and see if she can see Lexa through the kitchen window. She’s relieved to see her trudging through snow to get to the woods. She’s spent far too much time outside today, but at least she knows where Lexa is going. “I love her, like really love her and Dad is so supportive of it and if you had a problem, it’s me you should have come to, not gone behind my back to pick on Lexa when nobody’s looking. You know that’s not fair.”

Abby has the decency to look at least a bit scolded by Clarke’s comments. “I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“No, you’re not. You’re just trying to control me. The same way you tried to control me out of art school. I want to be with Lexa and we’re together and you have to accept it because it’s not changing.” She brushes past her mother to go after Lexa because she doesn’t feel there’s anymore that can be said right now.

“Clarke we’re not done!” Her mother yells after her.

Clarke doesn’t even turn as she replies. “We’re very done.”

***

Lexa can still remember the first time Abby told her she wasn’t a good influence on her daughter. She had told her it was good she was going to a college separate from her, of course not so maliciously it had been disguised in a very Abby like way. “It’s good for the both of you to be spending time apart.” She had said instead of being blatantly honest about how she feels about it.

She must have seen through everything the same way Costia had. Lexa takes comfort in the fact that she at least never saw any of her notebooks. Jake only saw that she liked to draw and supplied her with more art supplies, apparently excited to have another artist in the house. Abby had never taken such an interest. If she liked any one of the Woods children, genuinely, it was Aden. Anya and Lexa, she took care of out of obligation to friends who had passed and entrusted her with that responsibility.

Honestly, she’s too cold to be out here and she shouldn’t have left Clarke alone to deal with Abby’s attitude, but she also wasn’t thinking properly. Not really. The attack that Abby had approached her with made her feel eighteen again. She had no plans of going to a school so far away from home then, faraway from Aden, but somehow Abby had talked her into it.

She’s happy Abby’s influence wasn’t persistent and that she had transferred later on to somewhere a little bit closer, probably much to her dislike but at the time that Lexa had done it she wasn’t thinking about the consequence of Abby’s reactions. She was thinking about her family and Costia.

She probably wouldn’t have stayed in school at all if she didn’t transfer. If Clarke just happened to go to a school a few miles down the road from her own then, well that had just been a coincidence… one that Abby had hated, evident by her scolding conversation she had with her at midnight during the holidays that same year.

Lexa should be used to this Abby, but everything feels different now, like she has much more to lose than she had before.

“It’s so cold Lexa.” She jumps though she knew Clarke was going to come find her, half the reason she walked here was because she knew Clarke would find her, but she still had been lost in her own head, and blinks up at Clarke like she’s surprised.

She thinks she’s grateful to see her. She doesn’t know how much longer she could be sitting here alone, thinking of all the things she is thinking off. “I’m so sorry about my mom.” Clarke sighs and sits on the log with her. “I had no idea she was going to do that to you of all people.” Clarke’s voice is sincere and full of endearing concern.

Lexa loves her for it. “She’s done it before.” She sighs and shrugs like it’s just a part of life that she’s had to get used to. In a way, that’s exactly what it is. Abby is apart of the family she connects herself too, which in turn makes Abby’s opinions and controlling behavior apart of Lexa’s entire life whether she wanted to deal with it or not.

She despises the conversations but in a weird way she’s kind of grown used to them. “How many times has she done something like that to you?”

“Since I left for college.” Lexa shivers and is grateful that Clarke scoots close enough that the side of her body presses against her own. “She’s never much liked me.” She mumbles almost in a whisper but she doesn’t feel as scared or weak of her own emotion when Clarke is there to listen to her.

“How did I never see that?” Clarke asks, seemingly shocked by this news.

“She’s never been obvious about it.” Lexa shrugs. “Are you okay?” She asks after a moment, guilt beginning to pile up as she thinks about leaving Clarke alone in the kitchen. Even though she knew Clarke wouldn’t be mad at her for it.

“Just annoyed and worried about you. I was worried that I…” Clarke swallows like she doesn’t want to say whatever it is she’s thinking. “I was worried you’d run somewhere I couldn’t find you.” Clarke looks away from her when she says it and Lexa can feel more guilt build up in her chest.

“No Clarke, I wasn’t running, I was just, getting away from the situation cause I couldn’t-” She cuts herself off, unsure of how to explain it but in desperate need to soothe Clarke’s worries.

“I know.” Clarke smiles at her, barely there, and reaches up with cold fingertips to brush them gently against her cheek, a gesture that makes Lexa’s heart flutter. “It doesn’t matter what she says or has said. She’s wrong about you.” Lexa captures the hand with her own and holds onto it tightly.

“Are you okay with everything, this whole day?” Lexa asks nervously and Clarke sighs.

“I’m okay with being with you. Obviously, it’s been a day so everyone on top of us is a lot to handle.” She’s glad Clarke is honest while still holding her hand. She can understand if she’s feeling overwhelmed.

“I’m sorry I left you alone with your mom.” Lexa says shyly.

“I can handle her better than you.” Clarke smiles and looks out at the river, seeming to think carefully for a moment.

Lexa watches her, the flutter of her eyelashes, the slight shiver she does from the cold. They’ve clearly spent too much time outside today and she as a slight inclination to run and get Clarke a big blanket, bundle her up and keep her safe. It’s such a weird feeling. “Maybe we should be more normal though, get people off our backs.”

Lexa’s brows furrow together at that as she thinks through what she’s saying. “What do you mean?” Lexa tries not to tighten her grip on Clarke’s hand but she’s not sure she succeeds.

“Just cool it down a little. Maybe it’ll keep my mom off your back the rest of the night.” Clarke’s hand parts from her own and Lexa feels her heart drop.

“I’m used to it.” She mumbles quietly. “If that’s what you want.” She swallows and looks away from Clarke, worried she’s already messed this up before it’s really gotten the chance to go anywhere. She couldn’t forgive herself if she did that.

“I want you.” Clarke says strongly filling in the sudden silence. “And I don’t want anything brand new to get messed up.”

Lexa smiles at her gently. “I understand.” She reaches for her hand. “But there’s no need to be distant when we’re alone.” She tangles their fingers together and is grateful when Clarke’s hand seems to hold her own just as tightly again.

“I agree, though I’m freezing.” She tugs on Lexa’s hand to pull her closer and Lexa listens to the movement.

“We can go inside in a minute.” She says quietly and leans her head on Clarke’s shoulder to try and savor as much of this as she can get.

***

Abby doesn’t lose fights well. That’s more than noticeable by the slight attitude she throws into her cooking. It’s not until Jake talks to her after Clarke informs him of her mother’s conversations with Lexa that she seems to stop throwing around dishes and food in a more aggressive state. Lexa watches them talk from her seat between Anya and Aden at the table and it doesn’t ease her mind at all. It just makes her feel more anxious, like something really bad could come from this.

She looks longing at Clarke down the table next to Raven who’s off on a story about her job before shaking her head and starts playing with her silverware in an attempt to distract herself from this longing that’s only grown worse with the closer her and Clarke have gotten. Anya nudges her and she looks over at her expecting some kind of tease but feels taken aback when she notices a look of concern on her sister’s face. “Are you and Clarke okay?” She whispers slightly as to not rouse the attention of the mentioned person.

Lexa frowns. “Yeah, I think.” She mumbles quietly before going back to playing with her silverware. She doesn’t quite want to talk about her worries at the dinner table where the entire household is, but she can feel her insecurities slowly building. Her own vulnerability feels as if it’s tonight’s main course, served up on a platter for everyone to see.

“Does this have something to do with Abby?” Anya asks and Lexa’s stomach turns.

“I think.” She grips her fork tightly. Now isn’t quite the time for Anya to be asking questions but she can’t be mad at her for her interests, she’s only concerned about her and Anya knows very well about Abby’s strange dislike for Lexa.

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

“Abby?” Lexa asks bewildered. Anya averagely likes to stay out of any uncomfortable conversations with Abby for Aden’s sake. Though Anya is currently Aden’s legal guardian at the moment, she struggled a lot to win that privilege and upsetting Abby always stresses Anya into thinking they’re going to try and take him back.

“No, Clarke.”

Lexa waves that off. “No. It’s okay.” She’s sure things will be okay, or she mostly hopes they will. She should discuss with Clarke what she’d like to do after the holidays. Lexa has to leave tomorrow to get back to work but maybe when Clarke comes back to the city they can go on a real date, she’s thinking she should ask her maybe even now, if anything else she thinks it would help her feel better and ease some of her insecurities if Clarke were to say yes.

Though it wouldn’t help at all if Clarke were to say no, which she could.

Lexa’s sure Abby is satisfied that the both of them aren’t sitting together this evening, but Lexa avoids eye contact and eats quietly, uninterested in her disapproval. Instead Lexa distracts herself with Aden’s plans for his Lego city. Jake only interrupts him when he says he’s going to stretch it all the way from the Christmas tree into the kitchen.

“I don’t think so kiddo, I’m not stepping on those.” Jake chuckles with a shake of his head.

“You can’t step on them!” Aden gasps. “That’s people’s lives you’d be crushing.”

“Oh yes cause there’s a whole Lego economy.” Jake shakes his head, still clearly amused and Lexa chuckles as well.

“It’s a big city, of course there’s an economy.” Aden says as if it’s the most logical thing in the world.

Lexa is actually engrossed in this discussion that she jumps slightly at the feel of Clarke’s hand on her shoulder. “What are you guys talking about?” She asks and smiles at Anya when she has Raven scoot down so she can scoot down for Clarke to sit next to Lexa.

Lexa does not verbalize how grateful she is for Clarke’s presence but she’s sure Clarke can tell by the way she looks at her. A weight is lifting off her chest, relief spreading through her. “Mr. G wants to step on my city.”

Clarke gasps dramatically. “How could you do that dad?”

“It’s his fault, they’ve grown too big. They need an apocalypse.”

“I bet you could never survive in an apocalypse.” Aden challenges him smirking and Jake of course takes this bait, going back and forth for a moment between who’s the most prepared and who has the best strategy. Lexa even senses a game coming on and is unsurprised when Aden announces it.

She holds Clarke’s hand under the table as they all get through the rest of dinner before they get ready to play a random new game that Aden and Jake can’t agree on a name for and came up with on the spot.

***

The game lasts for too long for something so silly that had just been made up. Lexa finds herself escaping the apocalypse competition halfway through. Her and Clarke being on separate teams not quite incentivizing her this very night. She doesn’t really have the energy and all she really wants to do is cuddle with Clarke and fall asleep before she has to go home and go back to work.

She’s basically pouting as she packs her suitcase, zipping it up since she hadn’t really unpacked it the entire time she’s been here. Though she does jump when she hears Clarke’s voice behind her. “Why are you packing?” She sounds almost angry and Lexa knits her eyebrows in confusion.

“I’m going home?” She questions carefully as Clarke looks at her as if she’s annoyed with that answer.

“Why would you go home? What are you running from this time?”

Lexa looks at her even more confused before shaking her head. “I’m not running anywhere; I was supposed to go back to work on the 27th.” Lexa steps away from her suitcase. “I don’t really want to but that was planned before I even got here.” She wants to reach for Clarke and pull her close, but she hesitates, still unsure where she really stands now between the both of them.

Clarke frowns. “You didn’t tell me that.” She responds with significantly less anger in her tone.

“I was going to ask you out actually, when you get back to the city, well I was going to ask tonight but we can go when you get back to the city if you wanted to.” Lexa asks shyly and keeps her eyes on Clarke.

She blinks at her a moment. “Don’t leave.” She says quietly and Lexa frowns. “Stay here, is there no way that you can?” She seems almost anxious and Lexa doesn’t quite know what’s wrong if she should ask her or not.

Lexa thinks for a moment. “I think I could.”

“Then stay.” Clarke grabs her hands with her own and Lexa feels soothed at her touch. “We don’t need to worry about it okay, my mom or whatever. I said this was going too fast, and I didn’t lie about not wanting to mess it up but I kind of just want to be with you right now.” She steps in closer to her. “Stay?”

Lexa smiles slightly at hearing Clarke’s words, her worries slowly dissipating as she tries to better evaluate the situation without her own emotions clouding her judgements. “I can’t get a refund.”

“I’ll buy you a new flight.” Lexa chuckles at her eagerness.

“I don’t really like acting like we should be distant.” She says honestly. “It makes me feel, like maybe we’re not on the same page and I really want to be on the same page.” She says honestly, expressing how she’s feeling has grown easier when she’s alone with Clarke because she knows she’s there to listen to her, that she cares enough to listen to her and wants too.

“We’re on the same page, I don’t like it either, it was a stupid idea.” Lexa goes to say something else, but Clarke presses a kiss to her mouth before she can, it’s short, just a brief show of affection meant to comfort her because Clarke always knows exactly what to do. “I love you, and it feels natural to be like this with you, so we should be like this.”

“I understand if it’s a bit overwhelming.” Lexa mumbles. “If you would like to take things a little slower when we get back to the city that’s okay by me too.”

“I love you Lexa, please stay, until new years and we can fly back together.”

Lexa smiles at her. “Okay.”

Clarke’s answering smile is worth the slight amount of trouble she might be in by her job. “Okay.”

***

The night is quiet, and they fill it in with covered breathes and gentle kisses and delicate touches. Still starving for affection they’ve been denying themselves for years they spend hours with each other. They don’t grow tired of the way the other sounds throughout the night, they don’t grow distant with the feeling of being overwhelmed but they rush into what’s in front of them.

Even tired they practically cling to each other and they talk to each other like they’ve never spoken before. They fill silences with endless groggy voices that only fade after several more hours pass, and neither can really stay awake anymore.

Clarke is nearly asleep with Lexa’s lips resting against her shoulder and her very naked body still tangled around her own. The room is cold yet again, but she still feels warm from Lexa’s touches and kisses and a stupid amount of love she still doesn’t quite know what to do with. She could be asleep if not for Lexa’s mumbled “let’s go somewhere else for new year’s” against her shoulder and it makes Clarke turn in her arms, shivering at the press of their bodies from something else that isn’t the cold for once.

She kisses Lexa because she still can’t help it, because she’s right there and Lexa’s mouth is perfect and presses against her own exactly right like they were made for each other and Clarke’s never thought something so damn cheesy in her life but Lexa brings that out of her. “Where?” She asks with a heavy breath when she pulls apart from her.

Lexa’s answer doesn’t come verbally at first, instead she kisses her again, tongue brushing past her lips to press against her own and Clarke moans, tired but Lexa is absolute fire being breathed into her lungs. She tangles her own hands into already purely messy hair and Lexa pulls one of her thighs around her waist, so she presses against Lexa’s firm stomach.

She moans again, unable to stop it as her hips push and press into her, gaining necessary friction as wetness spreads against Lexa’s stomach and Clarke’s clit brushes up against her. “Just out of the house, where we can be alone, really alone.” She finally answers when Lexa parts from her mouth to rain kisses down her jaw and then her neck.

Clarke has to bite her lip when Lexa’s hand makes its way down her body to press against the wetness she’s been grinding onto her stomach. “Lex,” she mumbles quietly, desperately.

“I’d go anywhere with you.” Lexa says further, pushing Clarke onto her back and she feels fire as Lexa kisses her and circles her clit, her hips pressing up to meet every movement as her tired body hums to life carefully. She can feel the familiar twist in her stomach, the tingle in her limbs.

She gets louder, unable to help herself when Lexa presses inside of her with her fingers, they’re so long and they know exactly what to do and then Lexa’s descending down her body and she has to muffle the noise behind her own hand when she feels her suck at her clit. Lexa’s mouth is magical and Clarke hips grind into her face and her fingers like she hasn’t already cum multiple times throughout the night.

She’s not down there long before Clarke’s back bows on a particularly hard press of fingers perfectly timed with the flick of Lexa’s tongue and she can feel everything as Lexa works her through it, she forgets about the hand she had been using in favor to block the noises, as a quiet sound leaves her throat as she finds purchase on the head board and the bed sheets.

The fire settles and puts her on a high that can’t be matched by anyone else but Lexa’s gentle tongue as it cleans her up before it kisses it way back up her body and kisses her so she can taste herself on her mouth. She finds herself clinging to Lexa like she’s afraid she’ll disappear and sucks her own taste off Lexa’s tongue.

“Is there somewhere you’d like to go?” Lexa asks after she pulls from her mouth and it takes Clarke a moment to even realize what she’s talking about before she finds herself giggling at having forgotten so easily the suggestion Lexa had made before distracting her.

“We can go to that hotel in the middle of town. They have the nice rooms. Stay there tell new year’s. We’ll be close enough to come and see everyone still but…”

“We’ll be alone.” Lexa finishes for her and kisses her again.

“We won’t have everyone on top of us.”

“Did you want to go on a date with me?” Lexa asks after a moment, the furrow to her brow Clarke is gentle to try and smooth out with her fingertips.

“Of course, I want to go on a date with you. I want to go on lots of dates with you.” She says with a chuckle and Lexa grins at that, kissing her again with more excitement.

How she isn’t as exhausted as Clarke feels is beyond her. “I have a plan already. I’ve been planning it since I was sixteen really, but I didn’t realize I was doing it. Lexa kisses down Clarke’s jaw again and snuggles into her neck.

Clarke grins. “All this time you’ve had a crush on me.”

“Shut up.” Lexa sighs with no real bite.

“Loser.” She teases, giggling as Lexa huffs against her, slowly falling asleep. Clarke tangles hands through messy hair and finds herself slowly drifting as well with a big smile on her face. She thinks about the holidays that will be in their future and knows they’ll be infinitely better with Lexa at her side rather than against her.

**Author's Note:**

> Social Media edits to this story can be found [here](https://twitter.com/elizaatrash/status/1193980432464912384)  
and [here.](https://jazzyjazzin.tumblr.com/tagged/Clexa-AU)
> 
> Chapters should go up every Saturday :)
> 
> Leave a comment if you like.  
Hit me up on my socials and follow me if you want to talk or just to find out how to keep up with my writing.  
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Twitter - [@mislexalycia](https://twitter.com/mislexalycia)  
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